Long story short, my 71 year old father ended up needing a colostomy. He is now living with me and my family. I have four children ages 14,12,7,and 2. He had surgery 3 weeks ago and has been home for 2 weeks. I am already losing my patience. He won't do much for himself at all. He won't eat or drink unless I bring it to him. He only showers twice a week. He refuses to learn his colostomy care and we can't find anything that works. They are supposed to last close to a week and I am changing it up to three times a day. The mess is unreal as he has constant diarrhea and it leaks so much. My 2 year old is obviously very demanding and my older children are involved in sports. I have a wonderful husband but he works 70 hours a week to support us. I am so tired already. What do you do to help cope and stay patient and kind?
But please note 3 weeks he is still recovering from surgery, he's probably still in a bit of a fog... for every hour someone is under, it will take a month to recover, thus if his surgery was 2 hours, it will take two months. I am around your Dad's age, and the last time I had surgery, I couldn't drive for a month :( Once that fog lifts, hopefully he will feel more like himself.
Next time your Dad is visiting his doctor, please ask the doctor about the constant diarrhea. I don't know if this is normal with such a surgery. If not, ask the doctor what can your Dad to help clear this up. I wouldn't be surprised if your Dad is also dehydrated, which would make him feel light headed and not want to do much around the house.
Have you requested that the home health nurse work with him while teaching him how to care for the pouch and stoma? You're absolutely right, he should have been taught and then monitored until he was adept at it.
You have way too much on your plate. Have you tried a little tough love? Encourage your dad to get up and make himself a sandwich if he's hungry as opposed to waiting on him hand and foot. Do one grocery shopping a week and have him tell you what he'd like instead of shopping several times a week based on what he feels like eating on a particular day.
You said if he goes to the hospital for stoma repair you'll tell them that he can't come back but if that doesn't happen you don't know what you'll do. You can place him in a facility yourself. You don't need to go through the hospital to do it.
You've been a devoted and dutiful daughter in bringing your dad home with you but you have your own family to care for.