This is the short version
I am a single mum on my last legs with own caring responsibilities to disabled child
Sibling who is much better resourced than me in all ways has cut contact as I cannot travel to sib’s house a long way away in the middle of nowhere where our parent with mild dementia is now located Sibling is blaming me for the cut off
I'm so sorry you are being cut off from your parent.
This reminds me of a divorced couple trying to control the other parent's time with the children. And doing so unfairly out of spite and anger.
Try and help your sibling see other options and solutions for caring for the parent. They may have felt this was something they could take on, and now finding it more difficult than they imagined. They are sounding off in frustration, and you, my dear, are the scapegoat.
I'm pretty sure you were not involved in that decision.
You have enough on your plate without adding new family drama. At some point, you just have to let it go, and focus on your own responsibilities and your own well-being. You have no control over what anyone else does or what they think. And they have no say in how you manage your life.
Just a final thought; consider finding respite for your disabled child. You could use the break. Take time to get away from the frustration and hardship; refresh your spirit, renew your energy. If you would like to use that time to go and visit your sibling and parent, it could go a ways toward repairing a strained relationship. Make sure that you DO Not obligate yourself to taking care of the parent. Their care decisions were made without you. And you are in no position to take on that added burden.
No child is responsible for taking care of their parents' medical needs. That's what medical providers are for. And no child is responsible for paying for that care. Your parent pays for their needs, and if they can not afford the medical care they need, they apply for Medicaid.
You, also, can avail yourself of Respite care solutions through Medicaid.
Caregiving full time is very hard work, and everyone needs a break from their work sometimes.
So, what are you doing wrong?
Nothing. You are doing nothing wrong.
If communicating with your parent by phone is what is feasible right now, then it is what it is. You are not int he wrong here.
If Mom can still make decisions concerning her care, then Sis cannot make her stay. If you have Adult Protection services, contact them. Ask if they can evaluate Mom. Tell them she wants to return to her home with help coming in. Tell them too, that sister will not allow you to visit when its convenient to you.
Your sibling is simply wrong to expect you to abandon your primary responsibility.
Having said that, try to refocus your sibling on a workable solution for your mom.
What resources outside of the two of you are available for your mother? What would you do about mom if sis didn’t exist?
Is your sibling open at all to alternatives besides family as caregiver? Sometimes they aren’t and you have to allow her to make her own decision.
Just like sibling can’t force your hand, you can’t force theirs.
Because you refer to your mother as mum I’m thinking you are not in US so I hesitate to suggest alternatives.
I just reread your post. Has your sister moved your mother in with her? Did she discuss this with you before she did it? Did you promise support?
Sometimes we know we are doing more than we can sustain and we look around for someone to help us. When you can speak to your sis again, try to understand she has taken on a huge responsibility. She isn’t the first to realize it is harder than she thought it would be to provide 24 hr care.
Perhaps write letters to mom to cheer her. Read your letters through sister’s eyes. Do figure out what you can do and make the offer or provide the service. Don’t worry about who did what.
As Teddy Roosevelt said “Do what you can, with what you've got, where you are".
Sis will hopefully figure out in time that it doesn’t make it any easier to be upset with you. Allow her to come to terms with her actions and if others try to stir the pot be careful to assure them you only wish your sis and mother well. Don’t bother defending your actions.
I have a cousin who cared for both her parents and she was angry with her siblings for a long time. Since the parents passed she has let go of a lot of the anger. It was really hard for her to see any alternatives and she felt since she was giving up her life, they should as well. That wasn’t her decision to make.
Wishing you well.
Sibling moved parent out of parent’s house into sibling’s house. Did not discuss with me or parent. Parent was unwell physically but health improved after a few months. I offered to move parent back to parent’s home which parent wanted and put in carers. Sibling said no, sibling wanted to look after parent.
Sibling wanted me to visit parent, though parent had given me strict instructions years back to not make long journeys once parent unable to visit me independently
I offered to meet parent half way regularly and organised transport. Sibling vetoed this and said would bring parent halfway but managed it only once
A friend offered to drive me for a visit, then sibling said if I went that day, I would not be allowed in.
I asked when could I see parent and was given a date when parent was in a carehome for a week while they had respite & went
Situation has escalated to this.
Am being blamed for the next generation not being able to see eachother although their end they are old enough to visit us independently now
Try to keep the communication with quick, low-effort video calls, and permit yourself to step back from your sibling's blame and the stress of trying to fix the distance issue.
Parent regularly messages me and I regularly message back