For the past 5 years, my older sister and I have worked closely with a geriatric care specialist, doctors, and a team of caregivers to help our mother with clearly diagnosed dementia to remain safely in her home. We weathered medication refusals, taking away her car and keys, incontinence, poor hygiene, not eating, drinking too much, etc. etc.. Until a recent fall, she was doing well with a caregiver visiting a few hours a day. She's going to have cataract surgery to address the falling issue, but temporarily has full-time care in her home.
We have a sibling who has never had a good relationship with us or our mother. To win mom over, she is now sabotaging all of our hard work by telling mom that there's nothing wrong with her and that we're conspiring against her (our mother). This has caused a huge step backwards in our mother's demeanor, and she is now telling the caregivers to leave the moment they arrive. She is also refusing to get up, shower or eat.
Our sister has mental health issues of her own, and is the ultimate narcissist. My older sister has power of attorney. Should we consider banning our sister from visiting mom if she continues to cause such backsliding?
Mom has dementia. Diagnosed, yes? Is living alone. Dependant on family & paid caregivers to assist with ADLs & maintain safety.
The goal (or Care Plan) is to support your Mom: "to remain safely in her home."
Who is IN this plan?
Who has Authority to LEAD it?
To ADD more paid services as Mom's care needs increase? Or to make changes?
(Dementia is progressive. Needs will increase. More supervision, more assistance, more falls are all standard projection).
"Until a recent fall, she was doing well with a caregiver visiting a few hours a day".
But now..? What is the NEW reality? Right now?
I would refrain from blame games with an unliked sibling. Widen your view to see the wider problem. You & older sister have put yourselves on the frontline here but do you have the power to act? To march forward or retreat as you wish?
The issue to me is a common problem - the people providing the hands-on care have no authority to make changes. To access funds, hire more help, make big lifestyle decisions eg move an elder from a home setting to supported living.
Thoughts?
If during the visits she begins to tell mom she is "alright" or that others are "conspiring" she should be asked to leave and escort her to the door. Tell "Mary" in advance that if she starts causing problems you will ask her to leave. A simple "Mary, I thought you said you have an appointment in an hour, you better get going". And walk her to the door.
Yes 100% ban this sister from seeing mom.
But the cataracts.... what makes you think the cataracts is what is causing her to fall?
Has it ever been suggested that she go to physical therapy to strengthen herself and improve her balance? I would go this route first, because cataract surgery has a challenging recovery full of multiple eyedrops in a complicated schedule that need to be managed daily. My Mom coughed during her surgery and it caused a problem afterwards that was a headached to correct. Will your Mom be knocked out for the procedure? Will she stay still if not? Is there any chance she might rub her eye afterwards? If she has dementia or memory issues, you will need to watch her constantly after the surgery. I wish you all the best in whatever treatments she ultimately gets.
If you can validate some other way than through mom that Bad Sister is really stirring things up and sabotaging, then by all means ban her. But realize that doing that may start more fires that can't be put out. What's easier to fight - the fires that are already lit or the unknown blazes that could pop up as a result of making Bad Sister mad?