How to deal with dad’s harsh behavior toward me?

What elder with dementia is ever happy anywhere??? I could have set my mother up in the Palace of Versailles and she'd have complained bitterly the gold needed polishing and the pheasant under glass was stringy!

The goal is to keep our parent safe, well cared for, medicated properly, fed, calm and socialized. That's really the best we can hope to accomplish in managed care, with happiness an illusion that dementia robbed them of.

Once you realize dementia is responsible for dad's anger issues, then you'll stop feeling personally responsible for being his entertainment committee at your own expense. This IS a long, sad, lonely and tragic road for ALL of us so set down some boundaries now. Go see dad once a week for x amount of time and divert the conversation away from toxic subjects w snacks and photos. Ask the Activity Director to help engage dad in what's going on there. Then call for updates and check on him when hes unaware you're there. My mother was ALWAYS yucking it up big time when I did that and when she saw me, immediately adopted a hang dog face! They play to their audience.

Best of luck to you.

A few suggestions:

1) Say to him “Do you enjoy my visits or not? If you don’t enjoy them, I won’t come”. Repeat when necessary – and leave.

2) Find another resident that he ‘is nice to’ but who doesn’t have many visitors. Say you are going to take them out together. Perhaps another golfer? Or shopper? It might lead to him taking part in activities with that resident. It might take a bit of pressure off you, particularly if D behaves better in company. And it might be really nice for the other person.

3) Cut down the visits. Five times a week means he is always waiting for you to turn up, storing up grievances. He needs to take more responsibility for filling in his own time. So do you! Your life shouldn’t be made miserable for so much of your free time.

Sorry you are in this situation, hugs.

As others have said, one's happiness comes from within. His happiness or the lack thereof is his responsibility NOT yours! Everyone has needs -- including you -- and when one's needs are not met this can make us unhappy. As adults we have to come to understand that ALL of our needs will NOT be met and as adults we need to find mature ways to process the hurt, anger, fear, disappointment etc when our needs are NOT met.

I would venture to say, his way of "processing" this is to put it on you, to blame or lash out at you. That is NOT a mature way to handle one's hurt feelings for not having a need met. Clearly, this may be a deep seeded and long term pattern on his part, not likely he'll change at this point.

I would also venture to say your needs (your need to NOT be verbally abused and your need to be treated with respect, civility and dignity) are NOT being met by how your father treats you. A constant and ongoing dose of this is likely not good for your health/mental health. Feeling stuck, guilty (you expressed this), worn out and "trying" to do things to "change him/change the situation" is a trauma bound.

You can only change you and how you respond! You cannot change him. Trying to doing more and more things to get this situation to change is also not likely to be successful (getting him to settle and stop his verbal abuse). He has to find other ways to self sooth; RATHER than taking it out on you and only he can do that work. Honestly at this stage (given his age and likely this ingrained behavior pattern, dementia too) it is NOT likely to change.

Defining a few boundaries and calmly telling him is a first step. Such as "Dad, when I visit if you are not respectful, if you lash out at me, I will leave. I will wait a week and visit then." And be sure to keep to your boundary. Next time, say it will be a 2 week period." Same for calling; at the first sign of verbal abuse, disrespect, guilt tripping, etc. call it out calmly ("dad, I was clear that I will not accept X so I will have to end this call.") do not just hang up, be the mature adult in this situation and say, "I will call you next week." Do not take any calls, block his number for the week so there are no intrusions.

If over time, there is no adjustment in his behavior, you can decided what YOU are comfortable with next. That could be a once a month visit for a short time, again be prepared to leave if the abuse starts up. Or whatever works for YOU.

I had to do this w/my mom. It started in May of 2021 when I called her on Mother's Day to wish her well and to share good news, her granddaughter (my daughter) had gotten engaged. Her response to me was, "Worst day of my life, Mother's Day, having you." I just said, I would end the call and said good bye. I choose not to see or call her for a full month thereafter.

When we did speak next 4 weeks later, I was clear about my boundaries for respectful and civil interaction. And I established a one week visit for 20 minutes, next week call for 20 mins and went with this cycle for the next 2 months; but the verbal outburst and abuse continued. After a month of no contact, there was one last call where it all came crashing down and the litany of accusations, verbal abuse, contempt, vile things said, full on RAGE; I decided to go no contact for my own mental health and healing.

I have not been in any direct contact w/her in almost 2 years. She is in a great nursing home, getting the care she needs. I am working with a great therapist on my healing. You might find working w/a therapist to unpack all this and to heal helpful. Still working on my healing.

Best of luck! This is a journey none of us wanted to take, but we are nevertheless on this journey.

I read your previous posts.

" He has been mean, belittling and disrespectful for most of my life. He has no relationship with my other siblings, he just does not really care."

You have been advised to decrease the visits in response to another post. Did you ever do that?

Why did you/do you do so much for him, while your siblings don't? Were you groomed to do this all your life? Your father is in a safe place. Why don't you just let him be, and visit maybe once a week?

My mother is EXACTLY the same after 12 months in memory care except she is also obstinate with the staff. I had to get therapy to deal with the grief/depression and we visit less - this is how I cope. Good luck.

With rare exceptions, they always treat the people closest to them the absolute worst. Why? I suspect it is because they feel safe with them, knowing that they always return.

I am so sorry that your dad hasn’t adjusted completely to his new situation. How long has he been there?

You don’t have to jump through hoops for him. Just do what you can and leave when you need a break.

All of best to you and your father.

I am beginning to believe it is a "right of passage" of some sort; unfortunately. Going through the same thing with my father. He is at an AL and he is kind and pleasant to residents as well as staff most of the time, but when it comes to me wow I get the ugly side. His physical therapist and I call it rebellion. Unfortunately roles have reversed; his cognition is at about 12 - 14 years old and now I am the parent with no experience on being one.

I do mention to him that he is being rude and that is not acceptable but next visit he does not remember the conversation and the cycle continues.

It is a challenge and an adventure every time I see him. For my mental sanity I did cut visits down to 1 time a week and if I take him to Dr's appointments that week I count that is my visit for the week. It got so bad he told the Dr to take me out of the room if I did not "shut my mouth". He was at a back Dr's appointment complaining about arthritis on his teeth.(no, not a joke lol)

We have very similar stories as none of my siblings are willing to help but very quickly to pass judgement and criticism.

You are not alone in this journey, all of us here are going through or have gone through this process.

Good luck to you and Best Wishes.

Pretty typical! My mom told everyone all her kids were “dead”. My brother and I were visiting five days a week. She also told them I stole the money and put her there {in prison}. I continued my visits three times a week and controlled my outward disappointment in her nasty behavior. I stayed loving and kind. It was her dementia talking. She eventually settled in and rarely gets snippy with me now. I am her POA. I was able to move her to assisted 10 months later. Lewy Body Dementia is very different from Alzheimers. Good Luck.

My Dad LOUDLY YELLED at me for the first time yesterday. Because he asked for a roll and I asked “dinner roll”? “Why do you have to use those big fancy words? Just give me a roll!!” This was a first and truly shocking. I suppose there’s more to come. But I’ve always read and am trying to keep in mind, IT’S THE DISEASE and not him! But sounds like lots of good advice here that I will take too. My hubs has said for a long time that everyday visiting is too much on me. I am getting tired. 🥴 I can’t imagine how people do this at home. Good bless them!

I ought to explain first that I've sprained something in my foot and it hurts. I am therefore not my normal sunny self, and I am grateful to my shift leader for cutting my round short and sending me home. Still.

Yesterday I made a gentleman's oatmeal in the microwave, and he wasn't happy about that. So this morning, after the hour it took for him to get mobilised and washed and dressed and downstairs, with me running up and downstairs fetching things, I stood at his stupid gas hob whose ignition switch doesn't work so you have to light the burners with matches stirring his flipping oatmeal for hours and hours the proper Scots way.

And he wasn't happy because the plate wasn't hot. The oatmeal was volcanically hot, as I warned him, but I admit it hadn't occurred to me to heat a plate I was about to hand to a 96 year old man whose grip isn't great and who was eating off a lap tray.

He also isn't happy because he's at risk of aspiration pneumonia and the support plan prescribes 2 scoops of Thicken Up to 200 mls of liquid. He lets us get away with it (i.e. comply) for the water he takes his medication with, but when it's a question of his breakfast juice or coffee or fruit squash he grumbles under his breath. I don't actually blame him. I'd hate it if I was forced to drink glue, no matter how carefully mixed.

Anyway. When he had a mini flare-up about the plate I could for all the world have given up and gone home and resigned forever.

But on reflection. For most of his 9 decades of life he has made his oatmeal the way he likes it every morning. And now although he mostly can still do it, there are risks and it's better he doesn't. So when it isn't done exactly as he does it - because although we aim to please we are not mind-readers and we can't know everything instantly - he gets cross and frustrated, and it's going to show.

Your Dad put his finger on the issue: he can't come and go as he pleases. Well, no, he can't - for good and practical reasons, but he still isn't going to like it. If too much of it spills on to you then, as a family member, you are entitled to speak out. Just say what you feel more in sorrow than in anger.