Mom, 77, lives with me and hubby. Just had her second knee replacement 3 weeks ago. That went well and she is able to get around quite well. Probably a lot due to having her other knee replaced a year and a half ago.
BUT she is being very difficult and driving me NUTS. To me she is negative and complaining most of the time. Pain here there and everywhere. New pains in hand perhaps due to RA flareup perhaps from having to go off her RA meds to have her operation? Knee pain which I keep telling her, yes of course your knee hurts, you just had an operation. Back pain which is chronic and she does nothing about.
Taking max tylenol a day and 5mg oxy 3 or 4 times a day. Usually 3 because she forgets or doesn't think she needs it overnight. Okey dokey.
Lots of complaining about her stomach/digestion and I know a lot of that is due to the oxy. Encouraging more water/fiber with not much cooperation. Except the meals I give her have plenty of fiber.
Knee/leg very swollen so trying to get her to drink more water. Should be at least 8 a day but maybe does 4? On furosemide which isn't really helping much but last operation this took time also.
Home PT is coming 3 times a week. She cooperates pretty well with him but does next to nothing when he's gone. Whenever I try to get her to do it, I am 90% of the time met with negativity and excuses. Then I know she will lie to the therapist and pretend she did a decent amount of exercises when if she did 10% of what she was assigned, that'd be a miracle.
So basically she does as little as possible and expects her pain to get better and her situation to improve. Magical thinking.
So I called her doctor to try to get an appointment and she is having a phone visit today. Which she doesn't think she needs. Well, you're taking the pain meds they think will help and they're not doing the job sooooo???
For the last 4 days she has been just focused on the pain and crying and complaining. Had two conversations (arguments?) with her yesterday and she seemed to rally a little bit after that but will not engage in conversation about this. I have not wanted to talk about any of this because I know she will be impossible but I have given it 3 tries. Now I'm hiding in my room before I totally lose my mind. She just sat there, not looking at me, and I said (perhaps stupidly) what are you thinking to try to get her talking and her lovely answer was "you don't want to know what I'm thinking". Nice.
I feel like I'm dealing with a 2 year old temper tantrum and/or a freakin teenage girl. Everything I say she goes against. Very contrary to me, even before this operation. Typically she really is a nice person and pleasant. Even to me. But, lordy, I am at my wits end.
I can not do more for her and her recovery than she is willing to do. I am disgusted and angry and sad, etc. I resent the fact that I am, AGAIN, putting more energy into her recovery that she is. If she put half her negative energy into positive forward motion, she could be so much better.
Also tells me things like "I don't want to take more pills or go to more appointments" when I suggest fixing some of her other problems. It's just such a short sighted negative attitude. WHY?? I ask her why wouldn't you want to take one more pill or go to a few appointments to be rid of problem X? Maddening.
Tonight I had the great displeasure of speaking with her on the phone. She let me know that she was out of breath b/c she got changed into her nightgown alone, in spite of being told 1000x not to do that; to wait for the CG to come in to help her.
She then went on to say that she wants to stop taking ALL of her pain medication and other pills b/c they're not helping. Then why does she see the doctor & rack up that bill every week? The doctor keeps writing new Rx's for her in an effort to HELP her, but hey, she's 'full of sh*t' and isn't doing ANYTHING to help her.
You can't save a person from herself. You also can't change a negative attitude of 'poor me' into one of positivity and gratitude.
You can, however, start collecting brochures of local Assisted Living Facilities and let your mother choose the one she'd like to move into.
There is No Way On God's Green Earth I would or could live with my soon-to-be 94 y/o mother. No Way. I'd rather shoot myself. Putting up with her hideous behavior & negative Nelly attitude for 63 years has been PLENTY.
Wishing you the best of luck trying to figure out how to find YOUR peace in the midst of HER chaos.
They must be long lost sisters, your mom and mine!
Previously (before dementia) she was good about doing what was needed. She had shoulder surgery following a fall on ice when in her 80's and did well. Home PT. Foot (bunion) surgery too. Since moving to MC she refuses to "exercise" - they did try to get her to join in some light movement, but she said no, I did that for years, I don't need to do it! Even before the move, she became more and more sedentary. Her "walks" diminished and she would sit around reading the paper and sale flyers. Early on I was able to get agreement from her when I repeated what she used to tell my dad - use it or lose it, but it didn't change anything. She moved in mobile, no cane or walker. Eventually went to a walker, and now wheelchair.
After she started refusing to stand/walk, they tried OT/PT. She flat out refused to work with them. On the final attempt, she told them they should do what they were asking her to do. So, wheelchair it was.
She did actually work with OT/PT a bit following her stroke early October, to try to regain ability to eat and help with pivoting, but it didn't help much. At least my mother isn't the "complaining" type there... Plenty of that before the move, and maybe a little to us after the move, but for the most part she's quiet. Like you, no way would I take this on! Her weight alone, combined with my lower back issue (vertabrae can slip out of place - not the disc, so I have to be very careful what I do!) is the primary reason, although there are other reasons not to have her here.
"Putting up with her hideous behavior & negative Nelly attitude for 63 years has been PLENTY." My mother wasn't quite prone to "hideous" behavior, but definitely a negative nelly in private (always smiley and pleasant to most others!) Sometimes it was hard to restrain myself for her behavior, opinions (uneducated often or influenced by quacks on TV) and her prejudices, both to people of "other" backgrounds and to in-law members...
Wise to stay away or keep any interfaces to a bare minimum!
Run that thing about liking 8 glasses of water a day for someone on Lasix. That means some congestive heart failure; docs don't always recommend that much fluid in someone having trouble processing it through the system.
Your Mom may be more chatty; opioids do it. And because pain is what she is dealing with, pain is what she is talking about.
Try not to take her constant talking about pain right now (it is of course right now what her life is all about--just saying) personally. Don't pick up the luggage. Just say "I am so sorry". Speak with her with the PT people about what her perceptions are of what she is doing, and let her tell them hers; let THEM be the one to read her the riot act about how much worse she will be if she doesn't do the required exercises for this knee. It can be the difference between successful surgery and not successful.
Basically stop trying to fix everything. You can't. Some of this is on her. Chronic pain is difficult enough, and add on now acute pain, and it's a lot. She also likely is depressed that she is a burden. The Oxy will make her much more vocal about all of it.
I think, being 78, I can somewhat identify. I don't take anything for the aches as I had a bout of diverticulitis; my drug of choice, motrin, and other NSAIDS not good for that condition, and I wouldn't want another bout. But yeah, it becomes that the neck hurts and if it doesn't then the wrist and if not that then the feet, and there's the back again. For me, I have become somewhat accepting about pain, and don't choose to talk about it. Keep walking and gardening and moving about; why tell my partner? At 80 he has his OWN. So on you go. But it becomes a fact of life. So if she talks a lot about it just tell her "Yup. Older, wiser, and hurting everywhere, huh?" You two are developing a habitual way of interacting that sounds like no fun for either of you. Watch a few Wylie and the Roadrunner cartoons to give it all a break.
And you are correct. It sounds MADDENING. I wish you the very best. Both of you. Hugs out.
"Don't pick up the luggage." LOVE IT!
I was thinking about contacting her therapist to make sure they know what she's really up to - or not up to as the case may be.
Yes, our way of interacting is basically no fun. The fun went out of our relationship years ago. The shift to caretaking has made it quite complicated and stressful.
The world shrinks a bit - from setting future goals to what do I want or like right now.
Is Mom with u permanently? Or just a temporary thing? If permanently you need to set boundries. (set them even if temporary) would be "Mom your complaining has to stop. The only person who can help you is you. You need to talk to a Dr. about all your pain. If you don't want to, thats OK but I want to hear no more complaining. Nothing I can do for you. When you start, I will just leave the room. Rotten way to live. But if you are going to live here, I just cannot put up with ur negativity. If you can't change, you may need a place of your own." Don't argue with her. Just leave the room. You have stated how you feel from then on just walk away.
(I read ur profile so I see at this point living on her own may not be an option. But as I said, I am not beyond a little threat)
At 77 Mom is not old. When a member asked if she was enabling her Mom a response to her question was "No disabling". Meaning, do you do things for Mom that she can really do for herself? Maybe it will take her longer but it will get done. Your profile says that she can't stand for two long, but she can still cut potatoes sitting down. Bread chicken sitting down.
I get from your profile that Mom has some cognitive problems. This could be why she is so resistant. She may be in the early stage of a Dementia. Reasoning goes down the drain. Not sure if they feel pain more or like a child they dramatize it more. And I would not want her on an Oxy for too long.
With Moms problems, even without the knee, she may need pain management. If she hasn't had a good physical, then I would get her one when u can. Labs and a neurological exam too. Tell her a little white lie, Medicare requires it.
Mom is here for the long haul. Until I can no longer care for her AND maintain a normal life. I have new grandkids I watch a bit and I am NEVER giving that up!
Giving her things to do sitting down is a good idea. One issue with that is that her hands hurt and she is slow as molasses so depending on what I need done it may or may not be helpful. BUT if I plan ahead a bit I could get her to do some things early in the day that I won't need until later.
I am trying to push things back into her corner post op. I was handling her meds and now have put her back in front as it was before her operation. I'm answering a lot of questions about it so I hope she can "get it" and be more independent on that front.
Cognitive abilities are questionable. Good on some levels, bad on others. When she is in better shape after her knee recovery, I should get her in for a neuro exam to see what's really going on.
I was thinking of getting her in to see the pain management doctor. So many little issues and too much pain.
One further question - since her cognitive issues are in question, I'm wondering how hard I can/should push to get her to stop complaining and do more for herself.
My FIL is on the yo-yo plan in and out of rehab or surgery to correct this problem or that. Somewhat compliant with home health PT and OT to put on a good act. Absolutely refuses to do anything when they aren't around. Blatantly lies to them that he does his exercises religiously. Apparently it escapes him that they can actually TELL if he is doing the exercises on his own time simply by his lack of progress.
In years past, he would at least be discharged from rehab as having met the requirements and improved. This last time he was discharged as needing skilled nursing assistance. SIL and BIL live with him and she (his daughter) is his full time caregiver. We maintain that his motto is "no pain...no pain!". He will absolutely not do anything that causes him any discomfort whatsoever. As a result he is losing his mobility much more quickly now.
However he is still cognitively sound - so I can literally feel the tantrum toddler/teenager angst. We are there too. We are holding him hostage because of COVID he says, he just wants to go out and see his friends he whines. His friends aren't going out either, so we have been able to deter from that. But he literally can not go out on his own even without COVID. He is not physically mobile enough now to go out without at least 2 of us going along. In his mind he is still exactly as mobile as he was when he was getting in the car and going out on his own a few years ago, and it escapes him that he has literally lay in bed or sat at home for those years and done nothing and that it takes an act of God just to get him into the car with 2 people helping.
I think part of the toddler/teenager aspect comes from dealing with your own mortality and not wanting to admit that you need help and that healing takes more work than it used to. I can tell he is very frustrated because the situation has flipped on him and now we get to 'give permission' (by default since he needs someone to take him out now) vs. him telling everyone what to do. He is unfortunately a bonified narcissist and having almost no control is bringing out the very worst in him. We try our best (DH and myself) to be involved as much as we can since we don't live with them. I end up in argument after argument with him over the phone or in person trying to get him to comply with even the most base request. I think he's rebelling, much like a teenager, because boundaries and rules have been put in place that he doesn't like.
Unfortunately sometimes the only thing you can do - especially if they are considered cognitively sound - is let them make their own choices and let them deal with the consequences. We use what power we do have to deal with things the only way we can. But at the end of the day we can't make him do the right thing. We continue to remind him that if he gets to a certain point, no amount of medical tools, beds, bars, lifts etc will be able to keep him in that house. Apparently to him going to an assisted living facility/skilled nursing facility is the worst thing that could ever happen to him. So he doesn't like that we remind him that lack of compliance on his part will lead to that consequence and there won't be anything we can do.
As others have suggested, for your own mental health you may have to walk away when it starts. The reality is that they are complaining because they don't want to do the work that will help them. They only have themselves to blame. But that would be too hard. So they take it out on the nearest person who they know loves them and will take everything they say and still love them. It's hard, I know. I know it is so much worse for my SIL than it is for me. But when it gets to the point where she can't handle it, she leaves, takes a walk, gets in the shower, somewhere he can't follow her. Because as a caregiver you have to take care of yourself too!
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