Dad’s pancreatic cancer has metastasized and he is feeling more fatigued, unable to eat as much as he used to. “Well-wishers “ (especially extended family) keep talking like he’s already dying. I’m grateful for thoughts and prayers and all acts of kindness but I admit a part of me wishes for no contact (at least at this moment), their preaching and holier than thou attitude, is getting me down. I almost feel like a puppy being patted on the head—oh you poor thing, your mom died 9 years ago and now you have this. The most critical ones have not yet experienced the deaths of their parents nor do they have experience with this type of illness yet talk as if they know better and treat us like a duty, a charity case. It’s sad because the last time I saw most “family” was at mom’s funeral. Since then, no attempts at a real connection. Just a lot of judgment and pity. So sad that people rush over for imminent death but are not around for life. Has anyone else had to endure this?
I think that so many families are not taught how to love one another as a family and they become estranged from one another.
So I am confused. I know one post you talked about relatives in the Philippines asking for money and you needing to cut them off. The above post you ask how can you tell Dad relatives just don't want to visit.
So who are these "well wishers" and do they visit or just email and/or text. If they visit without calling first, than ask that they call first because it may not be a good time or day to visit. This means not a good day for Dad and not a good day for you. If its email or text, ignore it. People who have never experienced have no idea.
When they do visit. Leave them alone with Dad. Go take a walk or a drive. "You know while your here, I think I'll run to the store". Stay out as long as you think Dad can hold up for a visit. Then come back and say "so nice you visited but Dad looks really tired". They should take the hint and leave.
I find that the only people who show up when death is imminent are those who want something after the person dies. Otherwise, people stay away. I did have an Aunt, that I am sure if my Mom was dying in her home, would be over to make sure I was doing it right and making her "suggestions". My brother had a knack of putting her in her place. Of course, it usually hurt her feelings but I find people like her seem to get their feelings hurt easily. Or, they get indignant.
When it all comes down to it, Dad needs peace. If these "well wishers" are visiting and that makes him happy then you may just need to trudge thru it. When he passes, you can do what needs to be done and never see or hear from these people again.
I hope this clarifies the story for you. Many immigrant stories are complex, with people in various places, it’s hard to imagine it unless you’re in our shoes. I think the situation in Afghanistan brings to light the sheer heartache and complexity of non-American non-Western cultures. Thanks for your patience and understanding, I know it seems awfully confusing. The reason it’s often hard for me to get counseling is I spend an awful lot of session time just explaining the back story, like I am right now. See how much time it took for me to just provide context? Exhausting is an understatement.
Setting your own boundaries where & when you need, while you feel so raw may benefit.
Is it possible to limit in-person visits to a set time that suits? Let phone messages pile up, call back only those you want to & send thankyou text replies for the rest. Other txt or social media contact can be ignored if reading & feeling you have to add a little thumbs up etc is not helping you - respectfully unplug for a bit.
If it is, literally, butt out and leave you in peace to get on with it, then tell them that. Not in quite those words of course but it's fine to give them the gist. E.g. "this really isn't a good time to talk, perhaps you'd like to send Dad a card or a magazine *instead.*" (By stressing the instead, you should be making it quite clear enough that you're not inviting them to call back later).
thanks for your advice!
so grateful for this forum which allows me to be real and raw and vulnerable, it is healing.
god bless and thank you