I take care of my mom who is 79 and has severe memory loss, isn't bathing too much anymore, having accidents, and isn't taking care of herself anymore. her Dr advised my mom should have more care than what I can give because I work. Mom lives with me and it's been very difficult because Ty (her son) and his wife Carol have a strong dislike towards me and I get verbally attacked by them if I disagree or have a different opinion then them. They haven't seen mom in 10 years. I agree my mom needs more care and believe that a group home would be good for her. They disagree because they think all are BAD. They are accusing me of not caring about my mom, neglect, and that I am leaving her homeless. They both have also reported me to APS for elder abuse, which has been dismissed because I haven't hurt my mom in any way shape or form, nor have I exploited her. I have taken her to all her appts, store and make sure she has all she needs. Taking care of my mom is not the issue, it's hard, but I love her and want to keep my mom. Dealing with Ty and Carol is unbearable though. It's affecting my health, and job. Ty has POA, and I have tried to have her go live with him and he can see first hand how she's doing, and he says "I don't have the room", yet wants to dictate and attack me personally. Please someone help me, I am at a loss.....
Best of luck!
what can I do? I feel so helpless and stuck. I'm losing the little patience I have left, I'm exhausted. suggestions would be great.
Do not argue with your brother and his wife. Or with Social Workers either as they would be the same category. All the platitudes of "We will make this work" and etc. They will not and cannot make it work in YOUR HOME. Your brother already reported you? That would have been the day I resigned. But never too late to learn the lesson. As I said, in my humble opinion your Mom's needs have to come first. If you are in charge of her and have no POA to act in her behalf you are totally helpless. Turn this ALL OVER TO THE BRO now and let's see how he does. You are loving and said you would like to keep care of your Mom. I think her doctor recognizes that is no longer a safe situation. Not with you working. I would listen to your Mom's doctor. Your Mom likely does need more care than you can safely provide.
You are in for a battle, they are obviously willing to sink to low levels, please get the authorities involved like tomorrow. Call APS and report that he is not giving her money to her care. Anyone and everyone, turn their sorry butts over to the law.
Who does that to their mom!?! They both deserve whatever happens to them. Stay strong and don't let them bully you. Hang up if you have to, block their numbers, don't answer their calls. AZ and Social security administration are very hard on financial theft from a vulnerable person.
Hugs!
i feel strongly that you need her doctor to speak to this Ty person about the realities of your mother’s care
Also you should tell her doctor that you want her to be put in Ty’s care as he has POA. Be honest in telling all parties concerned that you cannot continue to care for her in your home and make arrangements to have your mother sent to live with Ty. There is no obligation on your part to keep your mother with you
then sit back and wait for the fireworks to start. Do not accept your mother back unless she goes into care. I think Ty and Carol are more worried about money than your mother and as long as you are happy to keep doing it they will keep putting the pressure on you to look after her
please let us now the outcome but please stay firm
Are you being paid for your services? I ask because so many people start looking at their inheritance and don't want to spend it caring for the person the money belongs to.
If mom has the money, pursue guardianship and you can use her money for the cost. I am sorry that your brother thinks he can impose 24/7/365 caregiving on you for whatever hateful reason he uses.
I've now blocked my cousins on my phone. They would only rarely contact me anyway and only to inquire about my father.
When the APS person arrived I was very candid with her and explained I was doing the best that I can and the difficult situation with my parents. She noted when my parents lived nearer to the cousins none of them were jumping in with caring for them.
I am also not my father's POA, though I am my mother's.
It may turn out that APS is beneficial to you. Ultimately their responsibility is to the elderly and I am hoping they offer some way forward to help manage the situation.
I wonder if you can limit your contact with your brother and his spouse. Just don't answer their calls as often. Let APS manage the situation. Hopefully they will assign you a social worker.
People who have POA and do NOTHING and then criticise and report the people who are doing all the care...
... are not very popular round here. Your brother and his wife, well, what can we say.
Unfortunately, your mother gave him power of attorney, and she has severe memory loss (so she can't change that), and she is very rapidly approaching the point where she needs more care than can be provided at home.
When APS visited, did you get on well with them? You can get advice and caregivers' support from your local Area Agency on Aging, but if you happened to connect well with one of the APS social workers that might be a better place to start.
We have to figure out how to take your brother out of the picture. He is doing NOTHING for your mother's benefit, AND he is stopping you doing the best thing for her.
This is why I would never care for someone that I didn't have POAs for.