I am new to the forum and have been reading some great advice here. My elderly parents (dad is 81; stepmother is 78) live about 1,500 miles from me. My stepmother has dementia (though she is in denial), spinal stenosis, and emphysema. She is on oxygen most of the time and in a wheelchair when she leaves the house. She can't be trusted to drive the car without someone with her as she has gotten lost multiple times. My dad has several health issues (diabetes, high blood pressure) and recently had a brain hemorrhage. They live independently in an apartment complex. They are on a fixed income and often try to live beyond their means.
I have been living with my parents since my dad's brain hemorrhage, taking care of my stepmother for the 4 weeks my dad was in the hospital and rehab. She feels she is the only one capable of making decisions, but can't keep any information straight or remember what has been told to her. It has been a roller coaster of emotions trying to take care of her.
My dad was just released from rehab but needs a good deal of care as he continues to recover. Until this event, he was my stepmother's primary caretaker and did everything for her - all day, every day. I don't think she realizes how much he (and now I) do for her on a daily basis. My sister who lives nearby had a baby last week and isn't able to help much right now.
I will be returning home next week as I need a mental and physical break. I know that sounds awful, and I am struggling with a lot of guilt, but I just can't keep doing this. After much back and forth and my stepmother insisting she can take care of herself and my dad, I have gotten them to agree to let me pay for a home care company to come in 4 hours a day next week. My dad will also receive some home health services. I know this isn't nearly enough for them, but it was a small victory to get them (mostly my stepmother) to agree to this. I am wary of leaving, but I also know from reading a lot of posts on this forum that they will need to see for themselves how much care they need before they are ready to accept it.
I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I am doing the right thing. The time is fast approaching when they will need to either have in-home care long term or move to assisted living, both of which cost money they don't have. I got them to agree to the help next week by continually telling them this is short-term, until my dad gains back more strength to do they things he normally does.
Does anyone have suggestions on ways to help my parents come to terms with their situation and need for help? Do I wait for a "crisis" for them to realize it on their own? Do I just keep bringing it up and hope it eventually gets through? Thanks for any and all advice!
Aim to increase her insight. Although potential to gain insight will be limited - by both the progressive brain chchange of dementia &/or low oxygen to the brain.
From what you write, it seems you'll have more success with Dad. Aim to reduce his denial.
"resistance to give up their independence"
Old age, illness & disease has already taken a lot.
They just don't know it.
Sorry to be the bad news!
But all is not lost - it's just the next phase of life.
Sometimes they don't seem to understand or accept it no matter how much you explain or even by their own experience. (My LO says they don't fall & don't need help, despite 7 falls a year)
Be a slueth, ask questions & look for clues to why they could be against assistance. Some usual suspects are fear of change, mistrust of strangers, lacking insight into care needs, sadness or anger at losing independant skills.
Reason & common sense may work.. or not.. Brain injuries & dementia.. 😞😞.
Stress that *having staff* to assist them will KEEP them in their home longer.
However, refusing needed assistance = less safe = falls = being moved into a NH faster.
The acceptance of home health care - 4 hours is a GREAT start. See how this goes.. quickly fired.. or become wonderful new friends..
Plan A: Age in place.
Plan A.A: Add assistance.
Plan B: Move into care
I'll add C for comprimise too.
It can be a lot for a family member to absorb, especially a long-distance one.
A sudden health crises can propel a family into deep water. Their boat suddenly heading for the rocks & need a new Captain. You have to learn the entire manual on how to sail, all the specialised lingo & all all those sailing knots would help too.
Will the existing Captain & First Mate hand over authority to you?
Or must you turn pirate, bring in your fleet & take over?
I'm in this sea too.