My mother had a stroke Feb. 15. She has been in hospitals and now rehab. She is not making progress and rehab will stop soon. She cannot walk. Is confused at times (not always), and needs lots of assistance. Every time I talk to her she says she wants to come home. I am devastated. I do not know what to do. Everyone tells me that I could not take care of her. My brothers think she should go into nursing home. I am so close to her and feel helpless and guilty.
No one I’ve ever read about on this board has ever said they enjoyed putting a loved one in a facility. The most difficult thing about it is being realistic. Most of us caregivers are not medical professionals. And, even if we were, it’s different going to work, putting in your hours with patients you are not related to and then going home. When you care for a family member, you are on-call 24/7/365. Even if the person you’re caring for is pretty easy-going, like my hubby, there are still the 3AM potty calls, the continuous washing, changing, wiping, fetching food, drinks, and the worst is worrying about a medical emergency and that you will not know what to do.
You mom, like mine, if she is becoming confused and may be suffering from dementia, may want to return “home” to the place she grew up. No Senior Citizen who has perhaps lived in their home for decades is happy about leaving, admitting they need help and counting on the kindness and personal care of people they don't now. They often react with anger and put the blame on the nearest person. This person always has doubts and feels guilt. But when we realize that if we did take the loved one into our home, we would be doing the work of three shifts of caregivers around the clock, acceptance comes easier.
I hope you and your brothers and the “everyone” you wrote about will sit down and speak frankly about your mother's needs. Offer your thoughts and listen to their’s. Sending you good vibes. Come back with updates. We care.
i understand your feelings of guilt. It comes from wanting her to be well and whole. Unfortunately, you have no control over that part of her life.
the real question may be, how guilty would you feel if she came home and you couldn’t give her the care she deserves.
Reassure her that you will be there for her and that you’re not going to leave her. Be involved in her care and take care of yourself so that you can be there for her.
God bless.
While she is in rehab, have her evaluated for Long term care. If there is a nursing section in the same building, then she could be transferred over. If not, start looking and visiting NHs in the area. If she has no money apply for Medicaid.
Think hard before u take on the responsibility for her care. Its like having a baby. Your life is not your own.
Yes, I am 64. I am married but have no children. My mother was pretty independent prior to this stroke. She was able to live alone until 93 because I went to her home every morning until noon since her second husband died. 7 years. I know she is looking to me to help her. It is heart wrenching. And she has hung up on me twice after I told her I cannot come and get her. The added stress of the coronavirus and no visiting allowed is making this transition very difficult and painful. I have looked into 24/7 In home care and we cannot afford it. I truly appreciate your response. I am getting the same one from everyone I ask. I wonder how many I need before I will accept what must happen!
Life has changed & I want to tell you there will still be good days. You can still love your Mum, bring her a hug & smile, her favorite treat, sit in the garden, watch TV, spend time together - no matter if she lives in her home with Aides, your home with Aides visiting or a Nursing Facility. Just tell her you love her. Home will be where love will be.
I too have been struggling with guilt and sadness since this virus caused my Mother’s AL to go into no visitors allowed. She has Parkinson's and dementia. It is so hard to not physically see my Mom everyday right now. The face-time by phone is so short.
Even though I want to bring my Mom home and take care of her, I know that I cannot physically do it 24/7. Also, if I caught the virus, I would not have any backup. My Mom would not want my Husband and boys taking care of her bathroom needs.
Know in your heart that you are doing all that you can to keep her safe right now. Be as supportive as you can to the staff that are helping her.
Both you and your Mother are in my prayers!
Both my brother & I hated to have to place her there. Prior to this episode mom used to sneak out of the house at night to feed the animals her leftovers and also almost burned down her apartment by leaving hot oil on the stove & forgetting to turn it off. She had moderate dementia that was getting worse by the day. She would argue loudly about everything.
I coped with my decision by constantly re-affirming to myself that the NH was the safest place for her to be. Neither my brother nor I could meet her needs as far as supervision. The hospitalization that prompted this placement was for a fecal impaction; came to find out mom hadn’t moved her bowels in 2 weeks. She passed away at 89 & only had to be at the NH for 14 months. She had a stroke and then another a month later when she passed away on hospice at the NH. I was there.
Try and make yourself a mantra of “safety first” when making your decision. Her safety living with you at home will be your responsibility 24/7. You cannot in reality provide that. Plus physically at our age (I am 62) it’s a lot for one person. It will all be on you.
Putting my mother in a nursing home was the most difficult, gut wrenching decision I have ever had to make in my life so far. I felt enormous guilt every day as did my brother. But realistically it had to happen.
My mother’s brain was broken as she was self sufficient and independent and worked until she was 72.
No doubt your mother taught you that there will be hard decisions in life that have to be made. You are making that decision now for you and your family.
Under different circumstances she would be proud of you sticking up for yourself your family.
It’s a hard decision. I wish you clarity & good luck. Either way there will be plenty of tears. I cried so much over it too.
you make an excellent point, how guilty would I feel if she came home and I could not care for her.
thank you for your thoughtful answer. I needed this reassurance as a decision has to made very soon. I love this forum and am glad I sought help!