How to make everyone happy?
My mother is in the mid stage of dementia. Long term memory is still fair to good, but short term memory is non-existent. She had a medical emergency and had to have surgery, a hernia that caused a bowel obstruction. The doctors have noticed her declined mental state and are doing everything they can to assist me. I have no POA etc so cannot make decisions for her care. They have recommended Physical Therapy upon release from the hospital to get her strength back up, and mostly to give it a "trial run" so to speak. My sister is furious that the Doctors will not talk to her, Mom never listed her as a person that they could talk to. She feels she should have equal say, she wants to call and pester everyone to confirm all I say is true, but she has yet to make the 3 hour drive to see how mom is doing. She blames me for the Doctors not talking to her and says I want to control everything. Has anyone else ever dealt with a family member like this? Any advice? I have gotten to the point I will not speak to her at all, I let her hear info second hand because I do not want to argue, but I know that is not right either. Any suggestions would be helpful. :)
Also, look online for legal advice, you may be entitled to some free advice through a lot of agencies. There are A LOT of agencies out there, that will help you. Just Google "Legal Plans: Assisting a person with dementia in planning for their future". Make sure you include your state, as it varies from state-to-state, regarding laws.
Below is an excellent website:
https://www.alz.org/national/documents/brochure_legalplans.pdf
It's a very easy read without all the legal jargon. There are also PLENTY of Elder Care Attorneys, that will give you a free consultation. Again, look online for one (Google it).
Good luck and God Bless.
I can just see your sister calling the landlord and telling him that poor mom needs his help in keeping the bad daughter (you) from stealing from our mother. I mean, why else does she want to speak to the landlord? You don't live there. So....I could be wrong. (Reading too much mystery books.)
No, mom can't go home and have rehab,sis. She'd need to have 24/7 care and mom can't afford that. But Medicare will pay in full for 20 days of in facility tehab. Let's do that and see where we are on 20 days".
Under no circumstances move in with mom or allow sis to move in with mom.
Your thread is making my head throb: I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on top of worrying about your mother's recent surgery. To stop things building up further with your sister, the two of you somehow need to have a constructive conversation (and believe me I know how much easier that is thought than achieved).
My initial reaction to her attitude is, as I'm sure yours must be sometimes - "where does she get off? Who put her in charge?" Say that to yourself as often and as strongly-worded as helps; but the trouble is it won't get you further forward in terms of keeping sister from being a pain in the wherever.
Is there a neutral third party that both of you like, trust and respect who could informally "broker" a meeting between the two of you? If sister is planning at last to appear in the scene (shove all remarks such as 'good of you to join us' or 'all hail Lady of the Lamp' to the very back of your mind right now), that could be a good opportunity to clear the air and get back on the same side; and if you can think of someone who will be an effective peacekeeper you might both find that helpful.
Meanwhile, least said soonest mended. Take Jeanne's excellent advice to use one of the update tools for general information. Keep strictly to neutral remarks such as "I'll see what I can do" or "I'm sure we'll sort something out" or even just repeating what she has said she would like - e.g. 'you'd like to see the landlord, got that' - in response to her instructions: you don't have to commit yourself to anything you're not comfortable with. Bear in mind the possibility (I'm not feeling generous enough to put it more strongly than that) that your sister's snottiness has at least some of its roots in worry and guilt, and make whatever allowances you feel like conceding. And in the end remember that you are doing your best and what sister thinks doesn't, in the real world, matter two hoots.
There's nothing wrong with your sister wanting to reassure herself that her mother is being properly taken care of and her apartment etc. are in good hands. That's fine as far as it goes; and why wouldn't you be happy to tell her, after all? But her way of going about it has already annoyed the heck out of me so I dread to think what it's done to you. Very difficult to get back from there, but worth doing if you can summon your best negotiation skills.
See an attorney who specializes in Elder Law and get advice as to whether Guardian is the best course to pursue at this point. If Sis is going to fight that, you might wind up with a third party appointed. Don't go in saying "I want Guardianship" but asking what the best course would be.
If Mom really is incompetent to the point she cannot understand the concept of POA, then she is not competent to live alone. So doing rehab as a "trial run" for living in a care center might be an excellent move.
Caring for a demented or chronically ill loved one is extremely hard. It is made much harder by not having family support or even having conflict with family. Hang in there! Keep Mother's best interests in mind, and try not to let your bad sib relationships interfere with that goal.
Is it just you and sis, no other siblings? It would be best if you can find a way to sit down and calmly discuss what needs to be done with your mother, it sounds as if she needs to have a higher level of supervision, if not now then soon. I can understand her frustration and yours too! You may have to pursue guardianship of your mom, and the more you can work together on things the easier it will be. I have read on this site that there are geriatric care managers that can help families sort through these issues and reach a solution that is in the best interests of your mother.