The title of my question may be a bit strange, but I'll explain. For 9 months my dad was in the first AL I could find a bed space in after his injury and extended hospitalization in 2023. IT was not a great place, but it worked for a while . The staff and management were very hands off, and totally NOT on top of things. ANy problems or concerns my dad had would tend to be deflected to me to handle. If we wanted any work done in the room, they were fine for us to get handyperson to come in and do it, rather than that they use their staff. If my dad did'nt want to go to activities or meals, they did'nt care and did'nt try to encourage him. We wanted some extra help so they told us to get outside agency caretakers to come in, and we pay ourselves.Eventually as my dad worsened it was'nt working out, he was not getting good care, and I was juggling too much day to day stuff and complaints, while he was getting suboptimal care. Even when I asked for an urgent re-assessment , as he clearly needed more help, they stalled to schedule it.
I have moved him to a different place that I think is much better, nicer, has more staff, more staff on top of things, and management on top of things. They have 24/7 nursing, and will follow doctors orders and rules to the T. There is no bending of rules. My dad is trying to act like he was in the old place, appeal to me to ask for changes, exceptions etc etc. Wants me to be in the middle between him and the staff. For some extra hours for bathing help, he is asking/ thinking I'm hiring the staff and coming to me to complain. I explain that its their staff, I have no say or involvement so there's no point complaining to me. Should I keep this stance? I think I should at this time let the AL staff and management do their thing and try to step aside as much as I can. They are ultimately trying to keep him safe, injury free, medically safe, and follow protocol and orders, even though it means being more rigid. I dont want to fall back into the role of middleman who is stuck in insanity. Any comments?
You have two options , let Dad have to adjust to their routine and ways of doing things ( which your Dad will resist , and keep asking you to make changes ) .
Or , you hire someone to come in 2 times a week for spa days for Dad . The problem with that is , he will not distinguish the difference and expect every facility aide that cares for him to spend a very long time in his room to do any care .
So I don’t think hiring for spa days will have Dad complaining any less. It seems Dad’s dementia has gotten worse , so I think having the extra aide come would be too confusing now as he won’t understand why they all don’t spend 4 hours in his room when they come .
My gut is saying . let him be , don’t fuel his OCD , anymore . Considering you believe this facility is better . Feel more comfortable with not answering Dads calls . I’m so sorry this has been so difficult . Is Dad taking the med that you asked him to try to calm him down ?
Like you said , they are taking good care of Dad. You don’t have to cater to his wants . You have to stop the discussions or trying to reason with him . One of the most effective things I learned here was to say “ That is not possible “ . And just repeat that quote as needed , without explanations or discussions that when no where with a broken brain.
I would tell Dad , he is “ getting good care “ , and leave it at that when he goes on with his requests . No further explaining . If he is persistent …. Say
” Dad what you request is not possible . You are getting good care .”
Then change the subject , or say you have to hang up now , or you have to leave .
You may have to accept that Dad will be like a broken record, until his dementia progresses.