I am full-time in-home caregiver for my spouse of 20 years, diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 5 years ago. We are both in our 70’s. He has taken up negativity in recent months.I also help my brother (POA) care for my Dad, 96, who is a life long master of negativity & complaining, mostly about his kids when we were young & now complaining about every aspect of life in his nursing home. He gets dizzy & falls a lot so insisted on entering in a nursing home but now hates life there. He has not been formally diagnosed with dementia but is losing short term memory& is sure the staff are stealing from him & ignoring him. After a depressing visit with my dad, I find myself more aware of my spouse’s criticisms & negative attitude towards me & our home. I feel caught between two fussy, moody men who are pulling my strings. I know I need firmer boundaries & less self-blame, but how?
I hope your brother is understanding that your responsibilities for your husband outweigh those with your dad. Can you cut back on time/ effort with your dad for starters? Also, depressing as this is, your husband’s dementia is going to worsen over time. I think adult day care and / or aides to give you a break most days is going to become necessary so why not start now? my mom wanted to keep my dad at home as long as humanly possible and she wouldn’t stand her ground on the aides either. So it was several years or her life sacrificed.
Find a hobby or volunteer work that have nothing to do with dementia or disability, or set up a walking date with a friend, a book club (could be just one other person) or whatever gives you some joy. I like the respite stay idea and vacation for you too.
good luck!
Hire help. Minimum with an agency is 3 or 4 hours. Do something fun and get out of the house.
It is totally okay to NOT listen to the crap.
Are you doing too much for DH – and always doing it? Perhaps if you stop making everything ‘normal’, and get over any complaints, he might appreciate it when it happens again? That might at least be one less 'fussy, moody man pulling your strings'.
The sad truth is that in this world of loss now, and in order to SAVE YOURSELF as best you can, you are going to HAVE to try to find some ways to help yourself.
I don't know, can't know what way those might be. I'd encourage a self-help support group if you can get out to it, where perhaps you can find together a way to give one another respite, talks, a few laughs, a way to spend time on hobbies.
You are the one who suffers this with a mind that is still "knowing". By that I mean they may be afraid and unhappy, but YOU have the fear, the unhappiness AND THE KNOWING all the problems coming at you. And you are the only one "able" and "capable". You truly need support. You need, whether it's a puzzle or knitting, some sort of Zen that busies your hands and frees your mind.
Facebook has groups for Demenia Caregivers. Consider joining those if you cannot get out of the home. If you are a member of a faith-based community consider forming a group of in-home caregivers. Call your local council on aging. See a Social Worker in private practice as a counselor who is experienced in life transitions. Come to Forum. Read. Contribute.
I will be honest here to say that when my brother fell ill with Lewy's Dementia half the state away from me, Bonnie, and I was made his POA and Trustee, I was clueless. I was terrified. I asked my partner for help and given he keeps records/organizes differently from me it only caused US dissention.
I came here to AC just terrified. I took up True Crime on TV, something totally foreign to my mind--curious, that, and I learned not unusual! I mean I was reeling.
I sympathize with you utterly. I wish I had a clue how to guide you but I will only say you MUST find a way of self-care. Whether walks with a friend, a movie night with popcorn after hubby goes to sleep, SOMETHING.
I'm so sorry. You're thinking on this in the New Year and it's a good time to do that.
As to the negativity you are surrounded by. You have to make your own nest of positivity to escape into for some moments, because those two men have losses that have changed their worlds to a crucible, no matter your help. They are desperate and depressed and it of course all heaped upon YOU. You can't make it all better. You aren't responsible for the happiness of someone; you CAN'T be.
Love and hugs out to you.
I'm in a same situation: my 95-yr old Mom lives next door to me and is fearful, negative, sometimes paranoid/suspicious of even the most innocent of people, motives and events, watches Anger-tainment news so always wants to breathlessly chat at our dinner table about murders, rapes, "immigrants" (even though her own parents were also) -- I have to remind her every time that we have the boundary/rule that none of that is allowed in my house. Yet she'll push on as if she has a legitimate reason to discuss it. At this point my long-suffering husband pulls out his phone and starts to show her pictures or YouTube or IG shorts of funny memes to get her on another track. Sometimes I leave her house so dowsed in her negativity that any comment even remotely negative or critical from my husband makes me snappish.
You need to decide your boundary: that any time the negative nonsense starts, you will first redirect the conversation, distract them, take your Dad to an activity in the facility or pretend you have to rush out for an appointment. There's no sense or benefit at all in entertaining any of it from either of them. It is draining, like it sucks the oxygen out of the room instantly. So, do whatever it takes to avoid it. You are the only one who can change. Make sure you are doing lots of self-care! You're the priority.
You do not have to listen to the negativity. When you visit when he starts tell him you have to leave. Even if you just got there.
Talk to your husbands doctor about medications for him for depression.
Same with your dad, when your husband starts getting to you...leave the room.
Lastly...talk to your doctor about what you are doing, make sure that they are aware of both your dad and your husband and that you are caring for both. This effects your health.
Is your husband in an Adult Day Program? If not you might want to see if your area has one. Check with your local Senior Service Center or Area Agency on Aging. Getting him out of the house 2 or 3 days a week with a safe place to go and activities might help.