Our 80 year old father is declining with dementia. He currently lives with me. His situation is literally the elephant in the room. If we try to state our concerns about his memory, driving, anxiety, etc., he gets angry and shuts down the conversation. He refuses to accept that he is suffering with this, and wants to live with me for the rest of his life. I just don't know how to talk to him about this, and that he would be happier and safer at an Assistant Living facility. Any advice on how to to broach the subject with a parent that is NOT on board? Thank you
I’d get a good assessment so you know what level of care he needs. With dementia, likely Secure Memory Care. Most AL facilities are not equipped to meet the needs of someone with dementia. They need a lot of direct supervision and one on one care. You might get his doctor on board and explain he needs more care that a MC can provide. My LOs doctor told her that she needed to go. I explained that she needed physical therapy to work on her balance, strength, diet, medication regulated, etc. She agreed to go for a while to get things on tract. Of course, she soon forgot why she was there.
Ref. driving...that’s an emergency. Remove his ability to drive if he’s unsafe. You can talk to his doctor or report to DMV for a test. Convincing him it’s unsafe is not important. He likely won’t accept it. Just keep him safe. He’ll eventually forget about it.
Safer? I doubt it.
The truth is that your father is having a negative impact on your lives, on your primary family. Your father could live another decade. I think that he will never wish to/choose to/prefer to move to an Assisted Living Facility.
The truth is that you need to tell your Dad and that you need to leave it not open to negotiation. Tell him you love him; tell him gently that you do not wish to live with him. Tell him you understand that this will be very difficult for him, and you are sorry, and that you will attempt in the next few months to help him explore options, but that this is the way it must be now, for you and for your own family. You are not a Saint. You are a person with limitations, and with an absolute right to your own life.
If you placed him in AL he could walk out anytime he wished and they could not stop him.
It sounds like you either have to have a doctor declare him incompetent and place him, you could become his Guardian and place him.
This is a matter of keeping him safe. With dementia he can no longer make decisions that impact his safety.
He does not realize his limitations so he thinks he has no problems. You can tell him that he has dementia, that he needs help, that for his safety he can not live with you any longer but he will not retain the information.
Your priority is to help keep him safe and if placing him in Memory Care is the best way to do that then that is what you have to do.
Please read leaonnie1's post "When is it ok to surrender"
This is about what YOU can no longer do. You need to say "Dad, your care is more than I can manage any longer. I've found some nice places for us to look at".
This is not about your ability to love your dad. It's about your ability to manage his care full time. No one persons can ddo this without help. THAT'S what he needs to hear.