I am losing my patience sometimes. Everything is on me now and his repeated questions although I try to be patient sometimes I kind of lose it. When I do he sulks like a little boy. This morning he comes to me with bed hair and asked if his hair needs combed. I gently said. “You could look in the mirror right?” Maybe that was wrong. (sulked and left the house) I later told him. I’m trying To encourage you to be independent and not so dependent on me. I don’t know how long I can live like this. BTW. We have not a romantic relationship (my choice) just basically live together and I take care of him and house etc. I’m so unhappy.
I'm sorry that your relationship has suffered because of this disease. AD is an insideous disease that, in my opinion, affects the caregiver more than the patient. Everyone has their max level of "tolerance" (I hate to use that word because it implies lack of concern or caring). Once that level is reached by a caregiver they become crass, synical and insensitive to the needs of their LO. This has already affected your health. Are you addressing your depression and anxiety? Those conditions won't help you in being a better caregiver. Look for a dementia support group in your area. There you can vent, and express your concerns and frustrations. You'll be with others who are in the same boat, so to speak. You can share ideas, support one another and realize you are not alone in this endeavor. It may also help you be "more understanding". Currently you probably won't find a "live" group meeting but if you call the Alz Assn hotline, they can inform you of some virtual meetings (1-800-272-3900).
Moving into an apartment, as you implied, and leaving him alone in the house would be a bad idea. He's already dependent on you and your not being there would have an unknown, but I'm sure not positive, impact on him. Additionally, there's a safety issue with leaving him alone. I know he loves the house, but at some point it won't be feasible for him to stay there. You could hire a full time person to be with him but that would cost a fortune. Care facility placement would be significantly cheaper.
And yes, forgive the past. Forgiveness is one of our highest personal attributes.
I wish you well.
If the courses aren't offered, ask about buying the DVD, or getting the manuals.
The course is excellent and addresses a lot of issues, including the frustration of dealing with dementia. If you can get access to a real live course, you'd have the chance to interact with others, experiencing a variety of aging care related issues. It's excellent therapy, besides providing a wealth of knowledge.