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I am losing my patience sometimes. Everything is on me now and his repeated questions although I try to be patient sometimes I kind of lose it. When I do he sulks like a little boy. This morning he comes to me with bed hair and asked if his hair needs combed. I gently said. “You could look in the mirror right?” Maybe that was wrong. (sulked and left the house) I later told him. I’m trying To encourage you to be independent and not so dependent on me. I don’t know how long I can live like this. BTW. We have not a romantic relationship (my choice) just basically live together and I take care of him and house etc. I’m so unhappy.

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Dear Pamela,
I'm sorry that your relationship has suffered because of this disease. AD is an insideous disease that, in my opinion, affects the caregiver more than the patient. Everyone has their max level of "tolerance" (I hate to use that word because it implies lack of concern or caring). Once that level is reached by a caregiver they become crass, synical and insensitive to the needs of their LO. This has already affected your health. Are you addressing your depression and anxiety? Those conditions won't help you in being a better caregiver. Look for a dementia support group in your area. There you can vent, and express your concerns and frustrations. You'll be with others who are in the same boat, so to speak. You can share ideas, support one another and realize you are not alone in this endeavor. It may also help you be "more understanding". Currently you probably won't find a "live" group meeting but if you call the Alz Assn hotline, they can inform you of some virtual meetings (1-800-272-3900).

Moving into an apartment, as you implied, and leaving him alone in the house would be a bad idea. He's already dependent on you and your not being there would have an unknown, but I'm sure not positive, impact on him. Additionally, there's a safety issue with leaving him alone. I know he loves the house, but at some point it won't be feasible for him to stay there. You could hire a full time person to be with him but that would cost a fortune. Care facility placement would be significantly cheaper.

And yes, forgive the past. Forgiveness is one of our highest personal attributes.

I wish you well.
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Contact your closest Alzheimer's Assn. and ask if they offer the Creating Confident Caregiver course.   I was surprised that they're apparently still being offered in Michigan, despite the pandemic.

If the courses aren't offered, ask about buying the DVD, or getting the manuals.  

The course is excellent and addresses a lot of issues, including the frustration of dealing with dementia.   If you can get access to a real live course, you'd have the chance to interact with others, experiencing a variety of aging care related issues.    It's excellent therapy, besides providing a wealth of knowledge.
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You may need to consider placement. Not everyone is cut out for home caring of another, and I know my limitations early on. I could never do it. Encouraging him to be independent will not work. The disease will see to that. He cannot ever be independent again and things will only worsen with loss of bowel, bladder, ability to feed himself and etc. Consider placement so you can visit and still have some quality time then. I am so sorry. This is so hard.
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It sounds like because you are not at all happy in any aspect of your marriage, that it is now affecting the way you try and care for him. It's really not fair to him to take your unhappiness out on him. At this point, I would probably have to recommend you find a nice facility for you to place him in, where you know he will receive the care he needs and deserves. That will take the burden off you, and hopefully you can find some peace and joy again.
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Pamela8 Sep 2020
You hit the nail on the head as far as how I feel about the marriage and how I care for him. I needed to hear that. And that’s it’s unfair to him. I would never move him into a facility He loves his house. That would be devastating to him. I need to work on being more understanding. And try to let go of what he did to me in the past. Need to move on. If I have to I could move into a small apartment 10 minutes away and take care of him at the house. I suffer from anxiety and depression and so my nerves are frayed. Thank you again for taking the time to respond to me.
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