My mom has dementia, liver failure, chronic diarrhea, and is painfully narcissistic and controlling and is in ALF. After a year of being her primary contact and non residential caretaker, my husband has asked that I leave my bad moods at the door. I am stunned, hurt, and so disappointed. Has anyone coped with this? Any suggestions?
This is how I coped in another situation with some similar issues. I was working, had young children and a husband and a very difficult boss. I found myself taking my work frustrations home with me to the degree that I really was not ready to enjoy my children when I returned to them. No one said anything but I did not feel good about it. I knew that taking my work frustrations home with me wasn't doing anything to resolve them, but it was hurting my family life. So I determined that once I put my hand on the car door at work, I would stop thinking about my frustrations and actively start thinking about my children and looking forward to seeing them. It took some mental discipline, but by the time I arrived home all was good. My husband, of that time, was off in the bar so it didn't bother him. Sounds like you have a good man.
Men want, and maybe need, to come home from work to a relatively tranquil environment. Home needs to be "safe" for everyone - a place to relax. Your need is valid, but please find another place to have it met. Our mates cannot meet all our needs.
Maybe when the time comes that Mom is not taking up 24/7/365(eventually she will need NH or hospice) I would love to do that. Bottom line...VENT or EXPLODE! Vent here and give hubby some extra good lovin tonight. He might be feeling like the 2nd banana.
You can't change your Mom, honey, and you need to come to a place of forgiving her narcissism and other. It is eating you away. Ask God to help you.
One of the lessons I've learned is to serve and love my Mom (who is 78, with dementia, and is wheelchair/bed ridden) at all times and to not REACT to her when she's offensive. Humor helps. Thankfully, my Mom has changed as a result of spiritual conversion, but I can tell you she used to drive me to bawling several times over. I forgive her.
I think we all ride that "guilt train" that never comes into the station.
By the way, when my mother was in her final years, she was unhappy and made my sister suffer, too. According to my mother, did you know that there are seven shades of yellow toilets? (She needed a new toilet for the bathroom.) Nothing was ever to her satisfaction, because she wasn't in charge anymore. And I have to agree that it's difficult to be in that place. Good luck and take a deep breath, now and again.
I have heard their venting to the point it has put me on the verge of an ulcer and made my blood pressure worse. After awhile, we are tired of it.
The children of all these whiney narcissitic parents will never stand up to them. They bow at their every need and whim and then come home and all hell breaks lose on their spouses and children. Some caregivers get violent, some just lash out with their tongue so much that you just wish you could pull out a recorder, tape them and then go to their parents and say, "this is what your child really, really thinks of you and this is what I have to hear after every visit."
Our homelife is so much better since my husband has not had to see his father 4 times a day.
I'm sorry but it is hell on earth to have to listen to someone you love being treated like dirt and then that person runs right back to their abuser and it all starts over again.
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