Is there a way to help him understand this is permanent? (he is 86, diagnosed with ALZ 8 years ago, I am 20 years younger, we have been married 35 years) He is physically functional, can still bathroom, (though sometimes incontinent) shave, shower himself, but when at home, he frequently did not remember how to get from one room to the other, and sometimes didn't remember who I was, asked me to call his wife to come get him to take him home. I work from home, but have to take 2 - 3 business trips per year. I have used respite care before when I traveled for business and he didnt like at first, but got used to it and when I bring him home, he usually says something like, "they were nice to me, I'd go back there!" This MC facility is less than a year old, he has his own room, I decorated it like our room at home, and they are very nice to him, seems to be a very caring place. But for now, it will be permanent, and I don't know how long I can keep telling him I'm traveling, he keeps asking when he can go home. At the MC facility, they told me not to visit for 2 weeks to a month. I was so worried about him, I went to see him after the first week and have been going twice a week. He seems lucid sometimes, calmer and more accepting in the daytime, but frequently completely out of control with questions, being irrational at night when sundowners sets it. (Why did you do this me, when can I go home, I dont belong here, etc) and I worry so much that Ive made the right decision. He retired over 20 years ago and Ive done everything thing for him, waited on him hand and foot, (My choice, Im not complaining about that) but he is SO dependent on me now. How can I tell him this is permanent? I feel so sad for him, I know he is lonely. His friends will be able to visit him there, the MC facility told me they think its ok now for him to have visitors; His 3 adult children, all in their 60's so they are not kids, are not much help, they all live out of state, and his oldest daughter has not spoken to me in 6 years. She has never once asked me how her father is doing, his condition, etc. I guess she learns about him through the other kids because I do talk to them regularly. But I also send updates to his children by email, primarily for her benefit. I retired four years ago, but felt that I could not sustain keeping him at home much longer without losing my mind as well, so I went back to work to afford his memory care. This whole situation is killing me with sadness and worry, I really just don't know what to do.
He has not been in his present surroundings for very long, and you may begin to notice fewer unhappy comments as he adjusts to seeing familiar faces among his caregivers, but even as that happens, he may continue to make breakthrough comments about his past.
If he admits to liking his respite experiences it would seem that you've found a pleasant and comfortable placement that at least at some level he accepts.
He may also begin to make friends among other residents, which should also help him feel more grounded.
You fell in love with him 35 years ago, you’ve seen him through his diagnosis, and you’re striving to bring him comfort and peace in his infirmity.
We all suffer when called upon to make these decisions on behalf of people whom we love.
Console yourself with the knowledge that you are still giving him from your heart, what your mind knows is best for him.
You have given him a long time as a caregiver and that is a TOUGH job, no matter how much you love the person.
He was there only four months and his FTD was so aggressive that he passed in October. We were 15 years apart so what I thought what was going to be our 'golden years' has now become a time that I'm alone and never expected to be at least not now. The best thing you can do is to stay involved with what's going on with him day to day and to know that you have done the best you can for him. Though I know in your heart it's an extreme pain that no one else can possibly know.
Best of luck to you. This is one of life's most awful paths that some of us are forced onto.
You are not alone.
In my experience, the best results are just to visit him regularly during meals and activities. During those times, the mind is on the moment .
Hope this is helpful.
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