I have been married 8 years. My husband has 3 siblings, is seeking disability, and has had 5 back surgeries, the latest 5 months ago. 9 weeks ago his mother had a severe strike that left her in ICU for 3 weeks. She can't do for herself at all. My husband has to lift her, feed her, and take her to therapy and doctors. His father helps, but is in poor health himself. (My husband moved in last year for over 2 months to solely care for him) The siblings offer advice, but will not physically help with either parent. He refused to hurt his siblings feelings, asking for them to step up because he doesn't want to offend his parents.
I have pleaded on several occasions that his parents move in with us, we have more than adequate room for our family to live with us. I have asked this prior to his mother's stroke and after his father's heart surgery. He refused to talk to them because his father has too much pride.
I asked for his siblings to help, hire help, or free up time for him to come home periodically. He asks but each one have excuses and he sympathasizes with their wants. When I get upset that he will not put his foot down he refers to me a selfish and unsupportive. (All of his siblings are less than 20 minutes away, one of which is .5 mile away)
I was and have been his caregiver for the duration of our marriage, working 50-60 hours a week to make ends meet. Taking him to appointments, caring for him after his surgeries. He always acted as everything was so difficult, and treated me as though anything I asked of him was too much and disrespectful of his condition. Each time something happens with his parents, "he does what he has to for them," including things that he was too disabled to do at home.
I don't know what to do. I feel like he is choosing his family over me. We can't have a discussion about the circumstances without me being an "uncaring monster," because I feel he should not be the sole caregiver. He claims that he shouldn't have to come home because all I do is work (graveyard shift) and sleep (I average 5 hours a day)
His words back up his actions. You need to stand up and stop being his doormat.
He obviously contributes nothing to your life are you sure you want to live the rest of your life being emotionally abused and worked to death so he can do whatever he wants?
You are not selfish, uncaring or a monster. He has crossed boundaries big time with the things he has said.
Protect yourself because he never will.
His parents should not be living in their own home, they can't take care of themselves and require a village, he isn't a village no matter how much he thinks of himself.
Please, please, PLEASE do not let them move into your home. You will become the caregiver for 3 people and you will never survive it. They will take his hateful attitude and treat you the way he does. I recommend running as fast as you can away from this male you married and find yourself a man.
Great big warm hug! You deserve to matter in a marriage and not be subjected to belittling words from the person that promised to forsake all others for you.
My opinion, Mom should have been left in the SNF. Her care is too much for anyone to handle. If Dad could not afford to keep her there, than he could have applied for Medicaid and become the Community Spouse being able to stay in the home and pay bills.
At this point, you may have to let things be. COVID has made it hard to get aides. You may need an impartial person talk to your husband. He needs to be shown he can't do this. It will backfire on him. He will burn out and take it out on you.
This phrase would have infuriated me "He claims that he shouldn't have to come home because all I do is work (graveyard shift) and sleep (I average 5 hours a day)" And why are you working 50/60 hours a week! Because you need to to pay the bills! I am all for the "better or worse" in a marriage but you may want to step back and look at yours.
"Each time something happens with his parents, "he does what he has to for them," including things that he was too disabled to do at home." and
"I was and have been his caregiver for the duration of our marriage".
Is there really a "marriage" here. You are supporting two people here. Meaning if you left, you could live on that one salary. At this point, just let your husband do what he feels he needs to do. I do think the siblings need to do their part, but thats in a perfect world. There's always one child that takes on the burden.
If his parents do not have funds then down sizing the house or selling the house and moving them into AL or SNF. This is NOT the same as him moving them in with you or you moving in with them and if that is mentioned you need to put your foot down. If that is brought up you need to refuse such an arrangement.
Do you still want his parents to move in with you? (If so, why?!)
It sounds like your H has been taking advantage of you since you've been married.