Pick and choose. My husband told me that my mother cannot live with us anymore or he will be the one to leave. Who do I choose?

It's a terrible thing and I'm sorry for you but maybe you could tell her point blank about your situation? If she loves you she won't want you to be in that position. The question also is whether he has a point or is forgetting the "in sickness & in health" part of the bargain. I wouldn't make my worst enemy live with my mother as she's a narcissistic, manipulative combative loud-mouth alcoholic. I feel extremely guilty toward my family whom I subject to her 4-5 day visits, especially since we all end up having to spend the next few days in quiet contemplation or even in bed to recuperate from her toxicity. My advice is for you to think long and hard about what exactly is driving your husband crazy about her.

It's so hard for people to understand all of the hardships we caregivers have to endure. I feel for you and your husband. I can only begin to imagine the toll that the last 2+ years of taking care of my Mom has taken on my husband. It's not easy for them to watch us get the life sucked out of us. Sometimes they get angry for selfish reasons and sometimes they get scared for us and our well being. Maybe you need to speak with counselors about what you are going through and get help with a solution to your problem.
Imagine your husband in your shoes, and how you would "honestly" feel after a time. It's not easy being the one left behind, no matter how hard we try to compensate. I would definitely try to get your mom into some kind of daycare or find someone to come in and relieve you a few hours a week. If you are like the rest of us, you have invested a lot of time and effort into your marriage, and should make your decision carefully. Good luck!

I see where kinnella started another thread which shows a very good resolution to this issue. Thus, I'm getting out of this thread.

My maternal grandmother came to live with my family when I was 10 years old. My dad was very supportive. It was a great life lesson for me as a kid. I learned that my family was a "safe landing." When dad became ill with cancer in 2007, I returned to stay with mom and dad.

Adults are role models to the younger generation for how we want/expect the elderly, frail to be treated.

And in this society most people treat old people pretty shabbily, assuring themselves they will never be in that position. Had they any idea they too would some day be old, and failing and losing strengths and competencies they have had for decades the younger generation might treat older people with more respect and compassion.
You are right, people learn what they live. It is an interesting note that so many people here care for people who in their own childhoods did so little for them and in some cases were overtly abusive. We all make choices in life, pass it on or pass it back or leave it be is an issue with abuse. I do not see my self ever choosing to treat other s how I was treated as a child but you have to keep up with it, stay aware remember you are an adult and decide to be a decent person.

found it

My husband had the same discussion with me. My mom does not live with us, but I am the closest to her. I filled her every need at the expense of my marriage. If mom wanted to go out to eat, I did it. If she wanted to go shopping, off we went. I never said NO until my husband pointed this out. I had a talk with her and it has been some good days and some not, but she needs to call my siblings too. It cannot be all me.

Excuse me? honor your father and mother obviously means to honor them by living a decent life and not to dishonor them with your behavior.

The Bible specifically says you LEAVE your father and mother when marry and you become one with your spouse.

Honor does not mean to " take care of". That is a crock.

I think parents who really love their children think ahead and plan so their children are not forced to become their "parents". I know this is not always possible and I know that MANY people do not plan anything past the current day.

I think if a parent gets ill and there is a chance of them improving (like from a stroke) then OK take them into your home and care for them as long as you can and hope they improve. If they do not improve but you find that you enjoy taking care of them and can handle it all then do it..

Parents have children and have the joy of watching them grow, forming their lives, they take the actions and decide to have kids and take care of them for whatever reason. They are watching a human grow. They have CONTROL of the situation when they are raising kids.

When a child is forced to take care of a parent they have very little control and did not create the situation.

to me that is not an equal bargain to what we "OWE " our parents. We get to care in a hopeless situation which only gets worse and has no reward, we are not helping we are only sustaining a bad situation we cannot control.

The parents that we "Owe" had a good situation they created, where they were caring for a growing human, watching them learn new things, and living thru them.
So the care they gave us as children was not nearly the burden that caring for someone going downhill is. It is even harder if you really love them and if they were really good parents.

Choose your Husband if you have a marriage to begin with. Unless he is just using this as an excuse to move on.

The good news about this story can be found

@ This is kinnella about my husband telling me mom has to go or he will. We spoke last night and the three of us are going to work things out.

I'm glad that this did not become another one of those throw away marriages!! :) Regardless of what label is given, it an't right making your spouse feel like they are married to more than just you.

Hi everyone... this is one very thorny issue that though I haven't expereienced yet being a single parent, just the thought douses my desire to seriously find my partner in life. It is a reality that I do not want him to be scared of... Being the only child for my mother, it gives me an ugly minus point in the dating scene. Guys who would find out about me will have second thoughts about hooking up with me because of my excess caregiving baggage

mhmarfil, I haven't seen any comments from you for quite awhile. I just finished checking what you last wrote about your situation and I see that the fellow that you worked for did not win the election so you lost your job too. Have you been able to find another one yet that allows you to earn some money but still gives you the freedom to look after your mom when it is required. I would guess jobs like that are almost impossible to find. If you are still looking for a job, would it be possible for you to become self-employed in your own home (I think you have said your mom lives with you). Could you provide daytime care for other elderly people whose adult children have to work and are looking for someone to care for their parents while they are at work? Perhaps there are too many government regulations for you to be able to do this and perhaps looking after more than one elderly person would be too difficult a task. I am just trying to think of something you could do to earn money and still be able to look after your mother. You are in a terrible situation having to support not only yourself but also your mother and your daughter. Are there any organizations from other countries (like Canada) established in your country that might be able to assist you? I am holding you in my thoughts.

Thanks LCS and thanks to all... I read the thread it helps me connect. LCS, i'm quiet the past weeks, been thinking so hard what to do with my jobless situation... huhuhuhhuuu i wanna cry my heart out. Anyway, juggling so many hats is forcing me to be away online so I was quiet awhile. But today and last night I added my comments. Nice to be back.

How do you breathe?
Lord, Lady!!! Your situation is beyond rational!
Husband or Mother?

Glad you're back.
Being able to vent & share is is lifesaving form me.
Please stay with us?!
Where are you?
I just noticed your post was July 19th ...

I'm not sure who I am replying to ...

it saddens me that we adult children have to suffer so......

My mother in law didn't live with us, but it certainly felt like it. My husband is an only child. My mother in law wasn't demanding. She was needy. This is much worse. There was many a time that I wanted to say her or me but I didn't. She is now gone and I have not forgiven my husband for all the times myself and our family was put on the back burner. The numerous times our plans were put on the back burner because of something he had to do for her. I tried to talk to him about this but I'm pretty certain it felt on deaf ears because nothing ever changed. I don't think he has a clue. I have tried to let this go, it is eating me alive but it is so hard to forgive someone who doesn't appear to be sorry or clueless. Caring for a parent has to be put into perspective. There are things that have to be done but don't ever make you spouse feel like a second class citizen. It still hurts and I'm not sure if I can ever forgive him. Been in this marriage too long to leave now. It is quite miserable. My advice to to think about your partner before you make a decision concerning a parent's needs.

I just don't get this "you only have one mom. Thus husbands and wives come and go." It's not like people are married to their mother. If they are, then they are not really married.

I'm sorry but the above story hits me as a prime example of a man who was still connected to his mommy at the hip.

Maybe this all depends on how we were brought up. My husband and I had/have great parents. We took care of his Mom and now we are taking care of my Mom. After reading these posts we talked at length and we both know we are doing the right thing and we are even closer because of it. I so admired him and he so admires me now. We work hard all day and if we want to go out, we find someone to stay with Mom or we dont go, we both understand. Both of us would do it for eachother should we ever get in an accident or become ill and also for our children. I can only understand people not doing it if they had conflicts or an unhappy childhood or are ill or elderly themselves. For us, its automatic, parent's need care, they get it 110%. I think God for my wonderful husband more than ever now.

As you probably all know, kinnella and her husband worked this out and, the last I heard, kinnella still had her mother in her home along with her husband. It seemed that some mistakes were being made by all three parties and once these were discussed and remedied, the situation improved to everyone's satisfaction. Kinnella, if you still have time to read these answers, please let all of us know how things are going for you and yours now.

luvmom,

Your own situation sound so ideal with so much balance, teamwork and communication which is what I see lacking in these stories where someone like has blinders one and thus casts all others (spouse, children, etc.) to go care for mom because they only have one mom with a compulsive obsession that almost rings of religious devotion. But how does breaking one religious instruction concerning marriage become justifiable on the religious teaching about honoring one's father and mother when exactly how that honoring is done lacks a detailed definition which is also true of the religious teaching concerning a family showing their Christian faith must first take care of their own widows, but it says nothing about having to take them into your own home which for many reasons other than having a bad childhood just does not always fit.

So, I remain confused on this point of spouses come and go, but you only have one mother strikes me as an easy come easy go view of marriage. To break one Christian teaching to fulfill a narrowly self-defined application of another Christian teaching is in effect to have broken the entire Christian teaching concerning family relationships. Like I've said and written many times before, ya an't married to mommy or daddy and no where does any Bible say that when mommy or daddy get back off you shall leave, abandon your spouse and cleave unto mommy or daddy until death do you part. There are far too many people with terrible weak marriages in their 40ties and 50ties whose whole reason for being weak is one spouse is still more connected with mommy or daddy than with their wife or husband.

One thing care taking of an elderly parent will show among others is how strong and healthy one's marriage is by showing how much of an adult child a spouse is vs still being the adult little girl or the adult little boy.

Another thing care taking really shows as I'm dealing with is any unresolved baggage with that parent will come to the top. Today a friend said all of his flashbacks about his mother's abusiveness of him as a little boys took place during those months when he and his family were taking care of his mother in their home. My mother's not living in my home but like my friend I'm also an only child of a very possessive mom like my friends and I'm having my own flashbacks His mom was married but mine was a single mom for many years and in many ways kept living like a single mom even after she got married again. However, as I'm working on these things in therapy my wife and I are having these wonderful spontaneous, deep conversations from which we feel so much closer to each other which is great because we are one year away from the empty nest!!!!!!!!! Yeah! We will get the last one launched. :)

I am in a very similar situation and I don't know what to do anymore:( My mother passed away a year ago today:( She had breast cancer leaving my father, her husband of 48 years alone:( My mother did everything for my father. Although he is in wonderful shape (75 years old but looks 50), he has never done anything for himself. And, he just likes having people around- who doesn't? My father spent his entire life working hard, spending all of his money on me and my siblings- he put us all through college, and as a result, has no savings. I can't imagine any other solution at this point other than moving in with him- it's my responsibility! He took care of me my whole life, now it's my turn to take care of him. My husband disagrees and as of last night, told me that he is leaving:( I don't know what to do- but my father was always there when I needed him and I can't abandon him now. I haven't spoken to my husband all day- I don't know where he is or what his plans are? I'm prepared to just give up and get a divorce- he didn't ask for this when he married me- I understand that:( That doesn't make it any less heartbreaking though:( Honestly- I'm just too tired to fight anymore and he deserves to have a happy life- this is all that I can provide right now- I'm doing the best I can to make sure that everyone has their needs met- that's all I have the energy to do at this point:( So if that's not good enough, then I need to just let go of the marriage:(

If it were up to me, but did you ask?, I would let your husband do what he would like to do, move out, travel, seek adventure, etc., but do not file for a legal divorce......yet. You may wish to take care of your father now and just see what happens. You're too tired to wrangle with this. Just let him move out.

I'm sorry to hear of your mother's death and that grief is very fresh still. What are your dad's health problems that lead you to be more connected to him than to your husband who has walked out of the door? From a husband's perspective, which I've been through, he might have felt like emotionally speaking that he was not as married to you as you are connected with your dad. If your dad is rather healthy and able to get out why are you taking your mother's place? Even so, you can't be his surrogate wife. I'm glad that your dad was always their for you, but when you got married that was a step away from mom and dad to grow more intimate with your husband. I tend to agree with your husband that you don't have to be the one personally doing all of the caring for your dad. I'm sure this sounds a bit rough, but understand it is coming from the perspective of a husband who has been there and very glad to have my wife back which my children are glad to have their mom back. Have you ever read the book, Boundaries In Marriage? If not, I suggest you do before just giving up on your marriage. I also encourage you to take care of yourself. Caretaking does not mean throwing ourselves and other's under the bus, but to find a way to avoid that which also meets the caretaking needs of the elderly parent. I wish you well.

kerricranston, I am terribly sorry that you are in this difficult situation. You sound like a very caring person, and this must be driving you crazy.

I think that it is your responsibility, along with your siblings, to see to it that your father is taken care of. That does NOT mean, to my way of thinking, that it is your responsibility to move in with him. And I also don't think it is accurate to say he has taken care of you your whole life. I think at some point you got married, and began a relationship where someone else took care of you, as you took care of that someone else.

A perfectly healthy widower can learn to do things he's never done before, and he can hire things done, and his family can come in and help out, all without anybody moving in with him. If you treat him like an invalid he'll either become more and more like an invalid or he will begin to resent it.

Help him retain his independence. Retain your independence. It is a win-win. Take him to the grocery store. Show him the freezer section with a wide array of frozen meals -- many of them quite tasty and healthy. Go home with him and stock his freezer. Explain how to prepare the meal. Perhaps join him for lunch; microwave two meals, add some bread and applesauce, and enjoy! Is there a nearby cafe where he might enjoy having breakfast once in while? Is he eligible for meals-on-wheels? Is there a senior citizens center that serves lunch? That would also provide the company he craves.

Show him how to do his laundry. Keep it simple. One of my sons sorts his laundry into twenty piles and has a different detergent and water temp for each. The other stuffs as much as he can of anything into the washer and washes every load the same way. Both men lead successful, fulfilling lives. :) For you father, keep it simple! If he just cannot get the hang of it after several attempts, maybe you offer to do his laundry. (If your siblings are local, these kinds of things can be shared.)

Hire a weekly or every-other-week cleaning service. Or provide this service yourself. So the bed doesn't get made every day -- so what? I've never heard of that being fatal.

I think that you are just so tired and overwhelmed right now, and missing your Mom, that you are missing some options that would be more obvious if you were objectively looking at a friend's situation.

You shouldn't be taking on this responsibility alone. Make a list of all the things Dad needs help with. Divide it up among the siblings. If the other sibs aren't local, they can still do their share. They can pay for a cleaning service, for example.

My 91 yo mother has been a widow 14 years. She still lives independently. She needs more and more help, and we kids make sure she gets it. A nurse comes weekly to set up her meds. A homemaker aide comes a few hours a week to clean and do laundry. Sisters shop for her groceries. One brother stops nearly daily to get her mail if she hasn't felt up to getting it herself, take out her trash, do up any dishes. (She is frail with arthristis.) Meals on wheels delivers 5 lunches a week. There are certain brands of microwave meals she likes. She hasn't used the stove in a few years. I make her appointments and take her to the doctors. We have NOT abandoned her. We make sure she is well taken care of. She enjoys her independence. None of us have moved in with her, nor do we plan to.

You do not need to just let go of the marriage. At least not if it has been a good one and it is worth saving. Get some counseling. Get some rest. If necessary, get some help to see how your father's needs can be met, as well as your own (don't forget that!) and your husband's.

This picture isn't as bleak as you are seeing it right now, on the anniversary of your mother's passing. There are more options than you're considering.

Good luck!

I can't imagine someone being so selfish that they would make you choose between him and the woman who gave you life, who changed her own life in order to raise you with love. Unless, of course, she didn't. Perhaps the quality of the time you do spend with your spouse needs to be bettered rather than merely increased. On the other hand, sometimes people simply resist change and if more firmly encouraged (the way you 'encouraged' your children to go back to kindergarten after the first day) they adapt and begin to find enjoyment at say a day care facility.

Start with just a couple hours per visit then increase to the full time. This will help you get things done and leave you feeling more in control of life and better able to share quality time with your spouse and he won't feel neglected.

As an aside; how many spouses go out and do stuff on their own or with friends and then claim the caregiver isn't giiving them enough time?

I am so sorry you are being asked to choose. Not knowing the details of your marriage or your mom's behavior, it is hard to advise. I agree with others that honoring your marriage needs to be number 1. Could you talk to your husband and get him to work with you to problem-solve about caring for your mother in a different way? Would he be open to being reminded that he promised to love you 'for better or worse' and that this is not just your problem alone, but your problem together? I am concerned that if you change your mother's care as a result of an ultimatum, you may resent your husband in the future, depending on the outcome. You are all in my thoughts.

depends how old the Mother is and how nice the husband is, if husband is horrible then send him away

This situation is an all too common story on this site far more than the wife who feels abandoned by her husband taking care of his mom. However, the most common perception of abandonment that I have read here is one that my wife and her sister experienced of the children feeling left out by their mom while mom took care of grandmother. I think there is probably more going on here than we know. Was he wholeheartedly in support of your mother coming to live with you two? Is he the kind of person who just lets things build up instead of sharing his feelings earlier or is it hard for him to share his feelings? What has his relationship been like with your mother? If it has been conflicted, the her living there only compounds the conflict. What is his relationship like with his own mother? In the past, has he considered your mother to be rather intrusive into your life as a married couple? In my own life both my mother and mil were intrusive in our lives. Thus, each of us had to work on some boundaries with our mothers before things in our marriage and family could improve. Because of our journey, we agree that neither of our mothers will ever live in the same house with us. Before deductively coming to any conclusions or advice on this matter, I would like to know more about the whole context of his statement.

Hi Kinnella,
I too am sorry to hear that you are going through such a stressful situation.
Hope my "adivce'' can be of some assistance.
The first thing you need to do is to try and discuss the feelings of conflict that you are experiencing with your Husband. Let him know that he and your children (if there are any) do come first, but that you also feel a sense of obligation and of course love for your Mother. She of course did raise you and help to create the kind and caring person you became as an adult. This is the woman that your Husband fell in love with in the first place.
Second, you also need to have a frank discussion with your Mom. Tell her that the current living arrangement is taking a toll on your marriage and that you wish to find an alternative that will work for everyone. As a Mother, it is likely that she will not want to contribute to the demise of her child's marriage.
Open communication is key. Let everyone know your feelings and then explore all options available to you and your family. This should include assistance from other siblings, senior housing with outside assistance from a Home Care Agency and even Assisted Living. Also, you may want to seek guidance from a licensed Geriatric Care Manager. Often parents may be more open to advice from a non family member who is a professional.
Good Lick!

Lynnes

Kinella,
Of course I meant good Luck!
Sorry for the typo.

Lynnes

There is so many of us out there in this situation. My husband and I have 4 of our parents ranging from 84 to 90. Last Jan my parents went into assisted living my father was straggling caring for himself and mom even though my sister and I helped. They have ajusted very well and they look better getting their meds. and 3 meals. The activities are great, and they fixed my dad a garden spot so he can still be activity. Now I have more quality time for me and husband and my parents. My husband parents need to be in assisted living for their safety, but refuse, they put all that responsiblity on my husband. He has a brother that does not help. At this point I have be supportive in what my husband feels he need to do. I know how hard it would be to have them live with you. I was very angry for awhile but Iam just trying to be understanding and come up with ways to get a break for my husband and I. Assisted livings can be good and they have independence and their own space. My prays go to you there is no set answers.