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Husband is 77 and had been in a nursing home for over 6 yrs. He demanded to come home and have wife (75) care for him. After being home 8 months, in and out of the hospital monthly for one thing or another, usually pulling his tubes out and developing infections, she is at her wits end. He refuses to go to rehab or nursing home. He seems to fall on a regular basis, her having to call 911 to help him up or take him to the hospital. She has to cook and clean for him, take care of all the medications, dr. appointments, never ending phone calls, bills, list goes on and on. He is constantly complaining about everything, says she is keeping things from him, and doesn't take care of him. On top of that, she has to take care of her grandson who is mentally disabled and now 18 and she has been taking care of him for the last 16 years. She is just ready to walk out unless he changes his attitude, and shows some appreciation for her. They have been married for over 50 years. She needs a break and he refuses to give her one. Can she get power of attorney to force him into a rehab or nursing home so she can get some rest?

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I would wonder what is wrong with the husband that he was in a NH for 6 yrs. The next time he is hospitalized, ask for a 24/7 care evaluation. If its found that he needs 24/7 care, the wife right there tells them she can no longer care for him. Then she sees a lawyer about having assets split. Husbands split will be going towards his care. When its almost gone Medicaid is applied for. She becomes a Community spouse. Remains in the home, has a car and enough or all their monthly income of SS and any pension to live on. She should see an Elder Lawyer now.

The grandson. She needs to find him a group home where he can be cared for. Also, he will have socialization. At 75 she has no idea how her own health will be or if she may die. Then who will care for the GS. At 18 he is considered emancipated. She will need to obtain guardianship over him. If he is not already receiving it, he can get Social Security Disability which will give him Medicare and Medicaid.
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DrBenshir Jun 2023
JoAnn, you have it all covered! She should have been GS's foster mother or legal guardian all of these years so not much to do legally there. If she isn't, it will help get him into a group home. If she is already his legal guardian she has to be able to demonstrate that he can no longer be cared for at home or he is a low priority for placement.
As for the husband, she will have to emancipate herself. We all have physical and emotional limitations, and we need to respect those. She has hit her limits and exceeded them. She can be a better friend to her husband if she doesn't have to be his full time slave. He may not understand it, but everyone wins if he goes back into care.
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To answer your last question , no she cannot appoint herself as his POA, her husband would have to do that, and it doesn't sound like he's the kind of man that would give her that kind of power.
It's a sad situation all the way around. I just hate that she allowed him to talk her into bringing him home in the first place. She should have left well enough alone.
So next time he has to go to the hospital, his wife needs to be strong and let them know that he CANNOT return home as she can no longer care for him and they will HAVE TO find placement for him.
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When he falls next time have her call 911 once he is seen tell the nurse - case manager - social worker “ he is a fall risk and I can no longer care for him safely and he needs rehabilitation and to be placed for 24/7 care .” It is what usually ends up happening in these cases .
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He won’t change his attitude or show appreciation for her. He was in a nursing home for 6 years and browbeat her into taking him home. That was her first mistake.

Her second mistake is if she doesn’t walk out.
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No one gets POA.
It is GIVEN.
The husband would have to ask the wife to be his POA. How likely is that when she will end putting him back in care, where he doesn't wish to be.

If doctors will testify that husband is incompetent to make his own decisions, then the wife can be his guardian and can put him in care again.

More than likely, however, doctors won't testify that he is incompetent to make his own decisions. Therefore the wife should see a divorce attorney, file for division of assets, and either separate legally or divorce said husband.
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She never should have let him leave the nursing home and come home. Her plate is full and it sounds like he needs more care than she can give. POA doesn't give you control over someone...it only allows you to speak/act on their behalf when they cannot.

1. She is 75 yrs old. She should start looking for a facility for her grandson while she still has the capacity to do it.
2. I agree with another poster who suggested that the next time the husband falls and goes to the ER that she tell the social worker he cannot come back home because it's not safe and there is no one who can care for him.

At some point you have to reach for the oxygen mask for yourself.
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As AlvaDeer and others are saying, POA is not "something you get on somebody" in order to take over their care. A person needs to willingly assign someone POA powers. The husband in OP's post does not sound likely to do that. He also sounds like he should not be in the home relying on his wife to take care of him.

Husband needs to be in a care facility whether he likes it or not.
Is the wife afraid he will "mad at her? ". Yes, he probably will be, but given his lack of respect and concern for his wife's health and well-being, it!'s likely the home situation is not a bed of roses as it is now.


The thought of a group home for the disabled grandson is also worth investigating.
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Time to walk and file for divorce. A short rest won't improve her situation once that time is deemed over.

All I can think she could do is tell the social worker at the hospital that she cannot care for him on release from the hospital to force him into a nursing home, but if he's of sound mind, I don't think she can keep him from going home.

She needs a lawyer.
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CaregiverL Jun 2023
He needs to go back to nursing home..wife should seek an elder law attorney, not divorce lawyer. Asking for divorce now is crazy
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Next time he falls call 911. Request transport to the hospital. At the hospital wife should inform the Social Worker that she can no longer SAFELY care for him at home.

I do not understand WHY after 6 years in a facility he would have been brought home. If she could not care for him when she was 69 and probably in better health, younger, stronger what would make her thi8ng=k she could do it now?

If he has been diagnosed with dementia and is unable to make decisions for himself based on the diagnosis he can be placed in Memory Care or if necessary Skilled Nursing.
If he does have dementia her expecting him to change, show appreciation it is not going to happen.
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Talk to the attorney about getting him a court appointed guardian and book a vacation without grandson. Find out who can take the grandson where he would be safe and happy perhaps Adult Protective Services can be contacted about both gentlemen. The grandson may be entitled to a group home where there are other young people. Grandma needs to seriously make arrangements that are good for grandson after her passing: Life and death are complicated.
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