I am in a situation that I am sure is not unique. I am the oldest and I am the only son. I have two sisters and they are as different as night and day. I live about 2 hours away and I have a highly demanding job. I am also the only child that left home after high school and made something of myself and that has led to jealously. I have money because I sacrificed other things so I could have a nice life. Now the issue. I have one sister who goes and visits my parents on Saturday but she cannot take a day off to take them to very important appointments (Dad has cancer and mom has mental health issues). She swears she is doing so much and needs some help. In the mean time, I take vacation days and go up and take the both to most of their more important appointments. I end up having to stay at a hotel because the same sister's son lives with my parents for free and they will not even make him leave so I have a place to stay (he is 21). My other sister, who is sweet, has just come out of an abusive relationship and was abused by both my mom and dad when she was younger. She was the only child left in house because both myself and my other sister had left home. She is the only one of us who actually talks to my mom on the phone. Myself and my other sister just cannot put up with moms BS. My question, is there something wrong with me? Should I expect my sisters to actually help and give up something or should I just accept that I am the only adult and just do it all? It is affecting my health, my relationship with my wife and my job. I am out of vacation time for the year and I have to pretend to be in the office so my dad and mom can go to their appointments. My middle sister is showing all the same signs as my mom from a mental health perspective so maybe I should give her the slack she wants? I am in a pickle.
Yes, there is something wrong with your thinking.
"I have to pretend to be in the office so my dad and mom can go to their appointments."
Do not do this anymore. Stop it.
Jobs are scarce. And if you want to keep your job, be honest. Does your job cover 'family leave'?
Just do not miss work for your parents.
If you cannot be there, hire caregivers at your parent's expense to drive them to their appointments.
You've got this. It is doable. Do not count on siblings, thereby saving your time, money, and stress level.
Keep reading on the forum to find out what long-distance caregivers have done to provide care for their aging parents. Whether you are close-by, or across the nation, caregive from a distance, imo.
Sorry, I had no time to sugarcoat my answer to you. But I care.
P.S. Have the 21 y.o. drive them.
Decide what you can reasonable do. If that means giving up one week's vacation for their needs then so be it. But once that week is used up you are done. Stop paying for services. They don't appreciate it and they can afford it themselves. Just because your mother thinks it is your responsibility does not make it so.
As the above poster said...stop doing things on their terms.
It sounds like they are/or have moving from *independent* to the next stage *inter-dependant*.
The responsibility to arrange their care needs is theirs. They can ASK family/friends/neighbours for rides, groceries, cleaning etc but realistically they will need a sustainable plan. Not a few favours here & there.
You have already identified your Mother feels *entitled*. That she expects family to provide this - for free. Some assume you will be on call 24/7 - at their beck & call. Mine did. This is common. Reality chat time with Mother.
You may wish to re-word in a nicer way 😉
"Hey Folks. You got old. And sick. Not your fault. Not mine either. And I can't fix it. You will need to arrange the care you need. Your choices are;
A. Get help in
B. Move. AL has the help provided
Simple eh?"
Now if they are truly incapable of arranging the help themselves, then enduring POA takes over & arranges it.
There are more choices.. but start with those.
There is definately NO option that says enslave adult children & they must forgot their own family, home & job to support me as I wish in my own home for as long as I want.
Your mother is a manipulative narcissist.
You are never going to change your sisters.
You have your own family and they are your first and most important responsibility, not your parents, who actually have money.
That your parents *choose* to not use their money to pay for help is not *your* problem - it's their problem.
The 21 year old is living with your parents for free because your parents *choose* to allow him to live there for free. You aren't going to change him either.
What are you going to tell your wife (and kids?) if you lose your job because you put your parents ahead of her (and them??)?
You seem to recognize that your upbringing was dysfunctional, and the family dynamic was unhealthy. You rebuilt your life and deserve to live it.
You don't actually mention your parents a whole lot here, and why it is that they are needing so much care from the family. Because it seems to me the real question here is whether or not it is time for your parents to move into ALF for care.
I don't feel that any children are responsible to do caretaking for their parents if they do not wish to.That is to say I don't see that as an obligation of the child. Nor for one child to judge whether another is giving enough, or too much. That is up to the individual.
To be honest, if I had an abusive parent while growing up, I would not be involved in their lives after I was able to escape their home. Not in any way whatsoever.
So that is to say that we are all different. The care Sister #1 chooses to give is up to her. The care Sister #2 chooses to give is up to her. The care you choose to give is up to you. The amount of care you choose to give will depend on many many things. How much you love your parents, how close you are in miles, how much time you have, what your personal limitations are, the needs of your own nuclear family (which, to be honest, ARE your obligation, and MUST come first.)
So it is a matter of your parents deciding whether they can maintain on their own now, or if they need to go into assisted or independent living.
Wishing you all a lot of luck. Remember that the only person you have the slightest control of, therefore the only one you have real input with, is yourself. It sounds to me as though you have a family and a very busy life; concentrate more on them, and less on the parents.
Thank you for the words or encouragement and the advice. It just feels good to get some of these feeling out in the open. I am sure a lot of people are in the same situation.
From what you've said here, it sounds like you and your siblings came from a dysfunctional home and have probably been dealing with your parents BS for all of your lives. Make the offer to help if you want to by arranging some in-home care or by finding them a senior community to move to. Always remember that the only way to be any kind of a caregiver or help is that it has to be on YOUR terms, not theirs.
Thank you for replying to my earlier comment. I wanted to reply to it here, instead of replying to my own comment.
When I mentioned layers of dysfunction I was speaking from experience. My parents were well respected public figures to a degree in my small community, as well Dad was a high school teacher. He very much was a know it all and very full of himself. Mum was an active volunteer and highly regarded too. There were often in the local paper. I was considered to be a problem child because I rebelled against the abuse at home. Oh it was mostly not physical, there were few visible bruises on my skin, by my soul was damaged by decades of emotional abuse.
I have been chastened by some here for my strong stance on maintaining boundaries and not providing hands on care. I have been accused of not loving my parents, but in fact, I have learned to love and value myself.
It took thousands of dollars and hours of therapy to get to where I am now. And you know what? I am confident that the choices I have made are the best for me. Who else is going to look out for me?
Mum has stopped whining to me about not having any money, because each time she did, I reminded her she has a house worth over $300K, if she sold it at age 86, she has more than enough money to keep her going.
For just a moment, ask yourself what your parents would do if the three of you didn't exist. There are social services that your parents can access that will get them the help they need, yes?
Does either of your parents have a social worker or case manager?
YOU (and your sisters) are allowed to say "no, I can't possibly do that." It sounds as though both of your parents need a higher level of care than a child who stops in to do occasional shopping or tidying.
The 21 year old who lives there, does he do any caregiving, or can he take them to appointments?
Every county in the US has a local Area Agency on Aging. I encourage you to look them up and give them a ring tomorrow. Your parents need a "needs assessment" to find out what they need and someone to find out what they are eligible for (like a Medicaid paid homemaker, mental health services for mom, etc).
Please let us know how you make out with that all important first step!
I decided that you may just need a very little support.
I fully support your plan as stated:
" I informed everyone that this trip up tomorrow to take dad to his next procedure is my last for the foreseeable future."
You've got this!
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