You might remember my story. I got mom from India to stay with me for 4 months. She's in the very early stages of dementia- very forgetful but physically ok. During these 4 months, she was completely dependent on me, wouldn't watch movies or do any activity unless I was with her. I did take her to our community celebrations, meeting relatives but I cannot leave her alone and take a mental break...she gets restless and starts asking for me.
I was so relieved to take her back to her senior center housing last month.
The senior center is not suited for dementia patients. For now, mom is being helped by neighbors and a night-time aide. I can see the writing on the wall that I will have to bring her back and start the green card process for her. ( My relatives in India have said it's my responsibility and I know truly it is...)
How do I just accept this situation? I'm trying to postpone the green card as much as I can - I can take mom's dependency only in small doses. How can I be mentally strong to deal with this situation?
Thank you
A million thanks and God bless you all .......truly this has been my safe space.
My stepdad's mother was lucky to live with the youngest son on the family farm in India. They hired the wives of the field hands to care for Mother. She was surrounded by familiar sights, sounds, language, food, culture and people. She would never have managed if the eldest son had moved her to Canada. Even though we have large, long established Indian communities in Canada.
You truly need a village to care for your mother. You cannot do it alone. It would be more expensive in North America than back home in India. I believe the tradition in India is for Elders to be cared for my family in multi generation households. Here there are families that do this, but they have large extended families and lots of community, cultural and Temple support to do so.
Please explore all your options before making a commitment.
Do you have room in your home for live in help? Do you have caregivers in your community that will speak her language? Are social services doctors etc available in her language? Cab drivers? Familiar foods?
I would not bring her here where she will be equally without anyone she knows - that's what dementia does, it erases memories. She won't have the capacity to make short term, recent memories of what people in her past look like now.
Don't do this. Keep her in India and pay for a memory care there.
Mom didn't seem to do well here. She will not be able to receive any services. Like said LTC can cost up to 12k. She will need health insurance. Will be very expensive. The language barrier another thing. Can you quit ur job to care for her. Can you afford care for her while you work.
You could also try calling your local areas Agency ON AGING, or A PLACE FOR MOM, and see if they might be aware of one that caters to East Indian clientel, or if you are near a community of East Indian folks. Perhaps their Community Center which sometimes have cork boards up that advertise services for such things, ie: in home carers, adult sitters, in home carers, and the like, or your church, or Local Senior center may also have a board up advertising such services.
Is your Mom elegible for Medicaid or other Governmental Assistance If not, I can see where you would need to establish her residency/green card sooner than later for any Governmental Assistance availabe to her. Otherwise as her immigration "sponser", you will be on the hook for all her Medical and her residential care. It might be easier (and much less expensive for you to get some good "in-home' care established, one who at least speaks her given language, this is really a pickle! I am so Sorry!
Not everybody is meant to be a 24/7 caregiver. God bless the hearts of those who are! I take care of my mother for now, but I know myself well enough to know I can't do the whole 24/7 caregiver thing. So, I am getting my ducks in a row for when the time comes I will/should have everything in order.
You have a problem to solve, and to solve it you need to look at all your options. Get all the facts of every option that is available to you this way you can make an inform decision. As they say, "don't leave any stone unturned."
You do not have to sacrifice your life just to show your mom or other family members that you love your mom. As someone posted "it is your life not theirs," and may I add one more thing...it is easy for people to say, you should do this or that when they are not there living with it ever single day.
You worry it would be cruel to your mother to place her in an institution with strangers. But she will adjust. It would be cruel to yourself to invite an arrangement where you will be chronically unhappy as she grows more and more needy. In addition, if she has dementia, her needs may become impossible for you to meet over the long term, and you may end up needing to place her in a facility anyway.
I'm worried that you're expecting too much from yourself. I understand that this is a cultural issue, but cultural beliefs sometimes need to yield to practical realities. I'm not suggesting you abandon your mother, but that you consider all the options, not just those your relatives find acceptable. This is your life, not theirs.
Finally, if you do decide to bring your mother to your home, have some plans in place for respite. Adult day care, part-time aides, etc. so that you can get time away for your own activities. If these options are not affordable for you, I'd scrap the whole idea of bringing her to your home.
I'd pay for her care here in USA.
I saw a phrase the other day that has kind of stuck with me:
If you're going through hell, keep going.
Start looking for a nursing home/memory care facility for your mother. Educate yourself on all the ins and outs, and you'll see you have options. That goes a long way toward feeling more in control.