Her health problems include dementia which seems to be progressing, rapidly. I am a very fit, physically and mentally, 90-yr-old, who would like to resume playing tennis 3 times a week as well as long-term stay travels. While we have family nearby, for various reasons, it is inconvenient for them to help out with any regularity or for long periods. I am feeling some guilt for considering memory care for her, even though I know she would receive more appropriate care. Should I feel selfish?
Take your life back, know that she will be safe. You can visit her as much as you like,
I wish you the very best and know that you will be making the right decision for the both of you.
What matters is what you think of yourself.
If you were to be honest, if your wife were not riddled with dementia and you asked HER this question, what would HER answer be?
I can tell you unequivocally that, were my husband in your position with me being so ill, where because of physical ailments I was shackled into my home, and because of my mental ailments he was shackled to me, to the point where he had to give up everything he loved and everything that made him HIM, the man that I love more than anyone, I would tell him the situation had become untenable in the long term; that it was time he placed me somewhere I was safe and cared for, and went back to being the man I fell in love with, and not a slave to my increasing, never ending needs. I would expect there would be a fair amount of guilt; but I would hope that he would come to realize that it is the best solution to a situation in which there are no GOOD solutions. Sometimes that's all that fate leaves us with, and it's a waste of energy to rail against the way the dice fall.
I hope you can come up with a solution that gives you some measure of comfort and peace.
He was also fit and healthy (but a terrible tennis player), but he ended up dying first.
We never know what's in store for us, especially at 90, so if I was you, I'd be considering MC for your wife solely because you're looking ahead to the time when you might possibly not be able to care for her. The worst thing in the world was my mother losing her husband of 66 years, burying him, and having to move from her home of 50+ years to a nursing home all in the span of two weeks. I had to do it as I couldn't care for her in my home, and it broke her brain the rest of the way and broke my heart. I did it with my dad's blessing, because he didn't want what happened to him to happen to me.
It's my Dad's turn now. If he were to go first my life tale will mirror yours.
You've gotten some pretty good answers to your question about "feeling selfish", so I'll leave that one alone.
glad to hear the word tennis!! Keep going!!!
:)
I feel I've taken away parts of her live that affect her desire to function. I see the day coming to avoid the damage I'm causing getting professional help might be wise. This is defiantly uncharted territory for us.
So no, you should go into it feeling your doing it for your wife's best interest. I don't know about you but I sometimes feel my health going sideways simply by focusing always on her needs. At 90, if you go down, what happens to her if she's not already being taking care of?
You do the best you can with the cards that are dealt.
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