Hi all,
This is my first post. I’ve reached a point to where it would just be nice to hear others feel similar to the way I do... here’s a little back story:
My family has always been extremely close. We’re all best friends. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and she passed in 2017. It will be a year this October. When her illness began to decline and made it to where she could no longer work, my husband and I packed up and moved in with them. One, so we could “pay them rent” ie...help with the bills. And two, so that I could help out with taking care of her as best I could.
The care my mom required with the illness was unlike anything I could have ever prepared for. It was extreme and while it completely changed me as a person and was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, I would take care of her all over again, for every day for the rest of my life if given the chance. She was my person.
When she passed, my dad took it hard. She was only 56 and they had so much time to still share together. It’s been almost a year now and he is still grieving so very hard, which I completely understand. He relies a lot on my husband and my company. We invite him to go places with us a lot and though some days are harder than others, I feel like we have developed an okay rhythm of daily life between the 3 of us.
My issue is my own guilt. I learned from this experience that I am the “fixer” in the family, and honestly, some things I can’t fix. I can’t fix that he’s lonely because it’s not my responsibility to make anyone else happy except myself...and yet I still worry at the end of the day if I talked to my dad enough or if I’m spending too much time with him and not my husband. (Side note: hubby is the best person ever and totally supports all of this. Sometimes I wish he would get aggravated from time to time so all the decision weren’t on me!)
I guess my overall question is what do you do when you *know* what you’re supposed to do, but can’t carry it through? I *know* I’m not responsible for anyone and all I can do is be there and do my best, but what do you do to make yourself feel better when you still feel the guilt?
Thanks. ❤️
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. It's obvious you loved her dearly. God bless you and help you find the strength to let go.... and get on with living.
I am not an entertainer. I do not enjoy trying to keep someone busy. I always told my Gsons, Mom Mom bakes she doesn't play. That PopPops job.
When couples make each other their whole life, grieving is hard. Which is what you parents seem to have done. I really have no idea how your going to get Dad interested in things he has never done. And really, that isn't your responsibility and don't feel guilty. Call your Office of Aging. Ask what kind of programs there maybe for Dad.
Sit down and tell Dad he needs to get involved in something. 60 is not old and he has many years ahead of him. Maybe a grief group. Churches usually have them. He could make friends there. Get a catalog from the local Jr. College and see if there are any classes he may be interested in. See if the High School has night school. If he likes animals, volunteer at a shelter. My GFs father volunteered for the red cross running blood to different hospitals. Walk someones dog. Tell him he has to do something for him. You can't do it.
Tell us more about dad. How old is he? Does he have any medical issues? Does he still work?
If you are looking to start a family, that would be a good reason for him to be more independent or maybe he would help you. (Not trying to be pushy, it's your life, lol)
Grief support may help too,he may be depressed. Good luck, and get away by yourselves! Remember YOU are still grieving, you need time for healing and for your relationship with hubby. Take a vacation.
he is depending on you to make his life have purpose and while you can help, you cant be everything to him.
practical tips:
get a puzzle and start working on it with him so he can continue working on it when you are gone.
if you think he would like a pet, get him a dog or cat for some company.
take a walk around the block with him after dinner. The fresh air and exercise will do you both good.
invite some other people over for popcorn and some games.
see if he will let you read a little from the Bible to him each day. The book of Psalms in the Bible is full of comforting words. That’s where I got the idea for my screen name: joy in the Lord from the book of Nehemiah which says,”the joy of the Lord is your strength”. That’s my secret of how I do it. I find my strength to do what I do from God. That’s where your dad will find his purpose in life and that is as it should be.
take time for yourself. A lot of people know the part in the Bible about loving our neighbor, but sometimes we caregivers forget the verse in it’s context. We are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. We must love ourselves and take care of us first, so we will be able to care for others.
you should love and treasure your dad, but he is way too young to need a caretaker, that may be a need in the future, but not now. You will help him more to find purpose in life that is bigger than his four walls.
Can he afford to return to living separately? Is he in good physical health? Maybe start by taking a vacation with your husband. If necessary, arrange for him to stay with another family member for a while. I am dealing with a somewhat similar situation (the family member is much older and with a level of neediness that has become pathological) and I know how important it is to find ways to preserve yourself from guilt.
So much weight on your young shoulders. You are not alone. I’m 55, my husband is 67 and my 80 year old mother lives with us. She has cancer and limited time.
Have you talked to your dad about this situation? In his depression he may not even noticed what all this is doing to you as well. After all, you lost your mother just as he’s lost a wife.
Sometimes a little reminder that the world outside is still there. Asking important adult questions may be helpful. It’s information that you absolutely need and it may make him realize he needs to move forward. If he gets upset and won’t discuss it (right now- you can come back another time) he will at least see that he needs to pay attention.
Is his doctor aware of his depression? Ask to see the doctor with him. He may need some meds to help him through the next few months.
Ask him about plans for the next year. What does he want? Tell him that at 26, you and your husband are just at the beginning of a marriage and want to have a goal as a couple. He is welcome to share it, but he’s too young for you to make decisions for him and he needs to participate in his future.
Questions like these may upset him, but it may be the only way to bring him back to focus. You’re going to feel guilty no matter what anyone says to you (you shouldn’t, but it’s hard when you’re the caregiver). Try to lessen the guilt by giving back responsibility to your dad.
Be well.
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