She lives with me. I'm also raising my 13 yr old grandson. How do I handle the bitterness I feel towards my brother and sister for not helping me take care of "our" mama. I am completely burnt out. I have put my life on hold to take care of my mama and I'm not complaining at all, I chose to do this. Someone had to, no way was I putting her in a home. I just need some advice please.
This experience brings out so many feelings you could never imagine you would have. But you’re human. Normalize your frustration, resentment, exhaustion, grief, etc bitterness and potentially regret. Yes you made this choice but likely had no idea how hard it would actually be or how triggering.
My strategy at the moment is to detach as much as I can and find things to do that make me feel like my old self.
i also have express reasonable expectations to my 82 year old mom - even if I know she will do it once and then stop. Expressing yourself - venting - journaling …whatever, is so important because bitterness comes from unprocessed feelings. Women are 40% more likely than men to have autoimmune issues - in part because we carry the emotional loads in relationships. So we need to find outlets. Learn to say no (it’s a complete sentence) to demands that are not a priority without feeling guilty and find ways to say yes to yourself to the little things to add to your quality of life….
Listening to music when cooking, getting outside even for a moment to breathe, subscribing to a joke of the day, having a simple self-care routine (keeping your favourite tea on hand, using an essential oil throughout the day etc)….the small things make a difference.
Most of all don’t judge your feelings - they amplify the emotion you’re struggling with. Give yourself credit and know there is nothing wrong with your feelings - it’s what you do with them that matters. Don’t turn it inward and find a way to process it or discharge it physically and mentally …walking, dancing, marching on the spot (and the journaling or venting for only a few minutes (don’t get stuck there) - anything to get rid of the negative energy. Sending good vibes!
Alternatively, maybe hiring an in-home caregiver part-time while your grandson is in school would help give you some time and respite from the heavy responsibilities. If your brother and sister aren't able to help with the physical care, maybe they could contribute to the cost?
You need to love yourself as well as your family members, and protect your physical and mental health. It's beautiful what you're doing for you mother and grandson on your own, but everyone has limitations. Maybe resolve to look at some small or large alternatives for the new year, so that you don't burn out and become resentful toward your mother as well as your siblings.
They are not going to change.
So...you have to change.
You change your expectations.
You accept that that is the way it is going to be.
You start spending mom's money for a caregiver that can help out. If mom has no assets you start turning over every rock until you find a program that can help. Check your local Senior Service Center and see if mom qualifies for any services.
If you still need help, if you still feel like this is more than you can handle then you have to accept the fact that you are a single human and not a superwoman.
Then you come to accept the fact that maybe a facility that has the staff to care for her 24/7/365 is not all that bad. You then become a daughter first, a care manager not a hands on caregiver.
You accept that her care is more than you can manage at home.
AND...I do hope you are getting help with raising your grandson. He is the one that should have your attention. He should be your focus. He is young and needs you more than your mom needs you.
Your siblings have chosen to live and enjoy their lives and you have chosen to care for your mom, along with your grandson and be miserable. That is on you.
I do admire you for helping out your young grandson, but I believe you bit off WAY more than you can chew when you agreed to care for your mom, when there are other choices out there for her.
And if she doesn't want to go into a nursing facility, she can pay for 24/7 in-home care(in her own home with her own money not yours)so you and your grandson can get on with living and enjoying this one life you've been given.
Otherwise it will be you that will be dying first from stress related issues and then who will look after your grandson? He needs and deserves an emotionally and physically healthy person raising him don't you think?
Your mom has had her life and I'm sure she would never want any of her children putting their lives "on hold" to care for her. That's NOT what children are supposed to do. Would you honestly want any of your children to give up their lives and put their lives on hold to care for you? I highly doubt it.
I am a mother and grandmother and would NEVER expect or want any of them to do such a thing, and I have told them as much.
Would I like them to come visit me occasionally and perhaps even be my advocates if and when I end up in a facility? Of course. But that is much different than taking on and doing all the hands on care, as I know how very difficult that is and I could NEVER do that to my children/family.
So I hope that you'll now rethink the choices that you've made that not only affect you and your life but also your grandson and his life, and make the necessary changes to make things better for all involved.
Can you tell me why you feel it is all right to make other's decisions for them?
You do recognize that you chose this "mission" of care willingly, and you do not wish to change things. I know that doesn't negate the difficultly of it in any way. And you have my sympathy for what you are enduring. But my relief that you recognize this sacrifice is a cross you took up willingly.
I just don't understand at all how you feel you can make others make the same choice.
You know how little kids will say "You aren't the boss of me"? They got it. You aren't the boss of them.
Can you tell me more about how you came to be caregiver also to a grandson?
Where are his parents in their care of him? And why?
Truly I wish you the best. You have a very full plate.
Anyone who makes this statement needs to evaluate what such places are like nowadays. They' re not your granny's nursing home.
Of course you're burned out. that's why these places exist. As for your bitterness, you'll probably feel even more of it before this is over. Your siblings have no responsibility to care for mom, and you don't either. Accepting that truth may help you along the way to doing what you need to do. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you built the cage you're in, and you're the only one who can tear it down.
As someone who has been in the trenches a while and you wrote my story (somewhat) there is Hope!
You have probably heard, "there is always one". "Every family is the same".
But when they tell you or show you they are not going to pitch in--believe them.
I agree with Fawnby and others on the thread. I 'm glad you thought you could write in and divulge what's going on.
You can't do this alone. Check out your mother's health insurance especially with the New Year. Also find out what is available if there is an OTC card along with Durable Medical Equipment.
A primary care physician (PCP) and a Geriatrician (Neuro-Psych, if needed) can write orders for homecare, "after" an assessment is done. Some will send a nurse to the house.
I have shared before my story. The short version...last year I was in your shoes at Christmastime. My family is traveling, etc. I am in the supermarket with every coupon when a neighbor tells me, "your brother is in Greece, last month Ireland and next month the Vatican". I had an "a ha moment".
I wanted my life to be different. I took control and headed South to a beautiful climate, my money will go farther. I made a drastic change because I had to take a drastic measure. This year, one year later is a different story because I wanted different and don't want to be living on popcorn in my old age.
You probably can't do this, a re-location, your grandson is in the picture, I understand. Call on Church people to help. The four-hour per week morning respite program was a big help for me. Breakfast, lunch were served along with p/t and o/t (insurance co-pay) but I could get my teeth cleaned, the oil changed, etc. without worrying. A nurse was on duty along with supervision 5-1.
You have to pay for this but it's worth it. Some provide transportation. Some people call it the Club.
Honestly, the homes are all short-staffed, overworked and underpaid. The employees don't stay long and the millennials well enough said. I agree with you, I couldn't do it either. I work remotely, thank the Good Lord. I watch my money.
In my previous State the hospitals were in trouble, the nursing homes are all old and run down and I couldn't find what I was looking for.
You did not mention the region of the country you live in. The South cares for their elderly.
With the New Year, do one new thing and see how things change. It's a good time of the Year to be something new. I would see if your mother's coverage provides a cleaning person, etc.
Have all prescriptions delivered (90) supply saves $$$. But, most of all read everything. Scrutinize every bill. Have your paperwork in order. Early-to-bed, early-to-rise. You have to be on top of your game.
I know it's hard because you want to do the dutiful thing but you have to still be standing. Check out Independent Livings. The Northeast is so expensive, it was out of the question. Nothing was within reach.
I hope I gave you some Hope! Happy New Year...
Blessings,
Ireland
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