Long story short I did end up leaving my DH for a short while and the MIL and now she’s back from overseas again , I know I sound like a whiny uncaring person, but she’s not my mother I don’t have a bond that would just let me put up with this and honestly I don’t even think her own children should put up with it let alone me but I know this woman , it all starts nice and now she won’t let us leave the house she can’t stay alone she comes with us in the car then she will complain we left her in the car too long but honestly I would put her in her place the problem is DH get a backbone for heaven’s sake , she’s manipulative, mean and narcissistic on so many levels this time the burden is all on DH and god help him. The woman is perfectly fine maybe onset dementia, and arthritis but strong as an ox eats like a horse sleeps and certainly knows how to kick up the drama. I’ll have to wait it out and see how long this episode lasts before I have to run off again and maybe this time I’ll never come back.
If you'd like to go somewhere but she manipulates your husband into staying home with her, go by yourself, and then tell him afterward what an enjoyable or productive time you had.
If she starts in with drama in the house, leave the room if that's suitable for how you want/need to spend your time. Or if you need to stay in the same room, ignore her. Turn on the TV or music if you'd like, and let her try to compete for your attention if she wants, but don't let her win. The thing a narcissist wants most is an audience, so don't give her one. And enjoy silently gloating!
Hang in there! Or not, if you decide you need to leave, in which case, hang in there with your break for freedom.
thanks
Build yourself a safe room away from her. It could be a corner with a door that I can close and lock along with a set up with all of my sewing or quilting articles if I had to deal with a situation like this one. Like the kids say here; get ghost. Let your husband deal with this outrageous nonsense. I think the issue here is letting him have full reign of mommy. Stop jumping to her demands.
It's the dead set of winter. I wouldn't leave my home. Tell your husband it is time for his mother to leave. No two women can live in a household. Continue to live your life.
Learn to ignore these outbursts. When is she leaving again? I would start planning for her departure. If she was a healthy person, she would make herself useful.
Put your foot down and stop letting your husband and his mother run you ragged. In other words, you have my permission to tell them off.
I don't understand why, since you once actually got up the gumption to leave, you went back to this mess. You're telling us that next time you leave maybe you won't come back? You're telling the wrong group of people, us. Tell this to your husband, your MIL and the dog, neighbors and the fire hydrant at the end of the street. Tell EVERYBODY. Then do it.
If you're waiting for validation and permission from someone, you've got it. From me.
My husband is the sweetest guy who had a passive-aggressive mother. All sweet and light as long as she got her way. She new how to manipulate my husband. His thinking, he had the time, why not. My thinking, you still set boundaries. She still had a husband and called here one day asking DH to do something for her. FIL called back and said he was home and would do it. She always seemed to be in competition with her DILs. My saving grace, in-laws moved 900 miles away. We visited an average of once a year. After FIL died all we heard was "move down here". When she called to tell us a house was for sale behind her, I was the one who answered the phone. I told her we would not be moving. I have my Mom, my girls and my grands not leaving them. She said Mom could come with us, I said no, she had her friends and her Church and I was not taking her away from that. Her response "we all have to compromise". My husband didn't want to move and up till then he just let her talk. Not even, we'll see, because that was a yes to her.
And welcome back.
Maybe? Maybe you will never come back?
Tell us why you did, and what you missed, and what options there are to leave again and make it permanent. Because to me it sounds as though hubby either didn't take it seriously or he didn't care much. Have you any idea which?
For myself, for me to come back would have meant a long discussion and a contract-like agreement that Mom wasn't coming back, with the consequences of a return understood.
I am, however, glad you had a vacation, and sorry that things didn't change. I wonder if you had expectations that they might?
Hoping things get better in this new year. I mean at least they can't easily get our hope away from us.
Who is paying for her plane fare and arranging her travel? If it's any relative state-side then she should stay with that person. Hopefully it's not your DH. Sounds like this is all a culturallly-ingrained behavior. You aren't under any obligation to keep moving this into the next century.
If you've tried , respectful, "healthy" words and dialogue with DH to no avail then you need other incentives. Keep poking until you find the right button. Otherwise, you'll need to either leave or stop complaining. But I hope it works out where you get to have your man and marriage minus the MIL.
So what are you going to do about it? Continue to whine and complain, or take a stand and leave for good?
The ball is now in your court, and I guess it all depends on if you believe that you actually deserve better and deserve to be put first in this situation.