My mom had breast cancer back in 2015. In 2022 the cancer came back as sarcoma cause by radiation. She had a major surgery in the neck. A year later cancer travelled to the lungs so she had another lung surgery. This year again she is about to have another surgery because of a new mass in the lung. I have a sister out of states. She came just for three days for her surgery in 2022. I take care about appointments, take her there translate for her and know everything related to this. I feel like I'm drained and going every three months in hospitals and now another surgery… it feels like I can’t make it to see again my mom again in a hospital bed. I do not work because of this because every three months at least she has 4-5 doctor appointments in a row. Last year I had to cancel my family vacations because of the surgery in November. This year it happened again because I am supposed to travel in 10 days but I can’t. So I asked my mom why my sister can’t come. She is rich has her own business and can run it from home. She could come and replace me so I could go on my planned vacation. My mom said she was not expecting for me to say this and that it has been me taking care of her. She said that my sister is very busy and who will run her business? I’m going crazy. Now I'm in a state of guilt and can’t forgive myself for saying that. I can’t look her in the eye. She looks so sad. She lives with me and my two children. Tonight she even refused to have dinner together. She doesn’t live with me in fact. She lives with my sister out of USA, but comes here and stays three to six months just to do the screenings, surgeries and treatments that’s she needs time to time. Lately for me has been very difficult to give her the bad news. I am stressed. This situation has caused me to be very harsh to my kids even slapping them often because lately I can’t control my anger and emotions. Was I wrong to ask her to tell my sister to come here? What should I do not to make her feel sad and to fix all this?
But you can tell her that you NEED to work - and since she makes so much, she should pay for caregiving expenses while your mother is with you. Hire a caregiver for her. Tell your sister that the amount of work that's required to assist your mother is draining you emotionally and physically and it's affecting your well being - while also taking care of children. Your sister isn't taking your feelings or situation into account - you need to be very insistent and firm to her on what you need.
Also, you claim that this is all effecting you to the point of being harsh to your kids and slapping them often and you cannot control your anger and emotions. That is exactly why you need to seek the help that you need. Your kids are now beginning scapegoats and the recipients of your anger - and I promise you that they're going to remember this when they get older and, trust me, it'll still have an effect on them in some way later in life. You don't want to do that to them. And taking them on a vacation isn't going to erase it.
Wishing you continued strength - and I hope your situation truly improves ~
If you feel you just cannot say "no" to her visits then I agree with others to get a job and then tell her you can't take time off to help her, that she can come but she'll need to hire help or go into rehab/recovery somewhere.
She will get over it. And if she doesn't, then she's revealed her true self to you. You need to defend yourself, and your family with healthy boundaries. We don't get to pick our biological families but we do get to choose how we interact with them.
Also, you're not responsible for your Mom's happiness or health (as long as she has capacity, which she certainly seems to).
FYI she can hire translators and most hospitals can provide translators for a limited number of foreign languages.
Giving up your entire life like this is sad and not good for your own mental health.
You were not wrong about asking your sister to come so you could go on vacation. Your mom is being selfish and I have to wonder why she thinks it is OK for your to give up everything to care for her.
Better solution ask sister to pay for mom to have respite care while you go on your vacation.
You are abusing your children because you are stressed about your mother. That in itself is messed up and you need serious mental health help here. Start by telling your mother if she comes to the USA for surgeries or whatever treatments she will have to start paying for a caregiver because you can't do it anymore. Plus I would not have her staying with you either.
1) S has a very good income, so when M is with her, S is still able to work or run a business. M clearly doesn’t need much care with S, but she does with you.
2) S pays for Business Class airfares, which look good to brag about and take up a few hours each way. That’s not a contribution to care.
3) M has arranged things in some way that lets her get free or affordable medical treatment in the USA. Perhaps she has a low income, but there seems no reason for the US taxpayer to subsidise a ‘visitor’ on a continuing planned basis.
4) You are doing the bulk of the heavy lifting, and no-one is subsidising YOU.
5) You are not the person who should be feeling guilty about this.
6) M ‘looked so sad’ when you said you were making heavy weather with this. ‘She even refused to have dinner together’ is manipulative and downright nasty. Perhaps M doesn’t really understand that this is all about money, it’s just the way it’s been for ages, but that’s no reason to punish you for being over-stretched.
My guess is that it IS too hard for S to come with her and care for her. But it is clearly not too hard for S to pay you or another facility for care.
This is such a sweet deal for S and M that you will need to put your foot down very firmly. Forget the guilt! The most straight forward way to change the situation might be to put M into respite care for a month, while you take a break. M signs to pay for it, S pays if she can't. If you are willing to do something like this, people on the site can probably suggest a range of options that might work WITHOUT you and your family suffering.
I hope this gives you something useful to think through!
Your sister doesn’t have time, but she does have money in which mom can get aides or respite so you don’t lose it on your family.
In addition to considering the suggestions above, please visit FindHelp.org. With a simple ZIP code search, you can find free or reduced-cost resources, such as food, housing, financial assistance, mental health care services, and more, in your area.
My suggestion, get that job when Mom goes back. Next time she wants to stay explain that you work and cannot take time off to run her to appts so she is going to need to find transportation and a translater.
Nope , you need to put the responsibility of your mother’s care back on her where it belongs.
What you should do is TELL your Mom you will be on vacation and that MOM will have to ask someone else to help her .
You say that you're taking care of your mom to the point where you have to cancel vacations, and you want your sister to step in and take care of mom, at least so you can go away.
But later in your post, you say "She doesn’t live with me in fact. She lives with my sister out of USA but comes here and stays three to six months just to do the screenings and the surgeries and cures thats she needs time to time."
If I'm reading this correctly, then it seems that mom is with you for half a year and with your sister the other half, and maybe here with you less, depending on her medical appointments.
I am not trying to downplay your burnout, but I have to wonder why you can't arrange your trips during the time periods that mom is living at your sister's home?
You have the right to tell your mom that you are no longer able to be her caregiver while she comes here for doctors/treatment/surgery, etc.; that is has become too stressful for you and your family. But I think it's a little unfair of you to expect your sister to "take care" of mom during those times instead, especially considering it seems like she is already doing so for at least half the year.
Your responsibility is to your children-"slapping them often" is unacceptable.
It is your mother’s responsibility to find who will care for her while you are away .
The “ slapping children often “ is a great concern. You need to get help . You should not be your mother’s caregiver any longer . It’s too much to deal with and have little kids as well . You also can not work because of Mom’s health problems . That’s wrong . You need to go to work to support yourself . You should not be giving up your job .
None of this is fair to your children , and now you are slapping them . Your children are your first priority . Do not feel guilty for telling Mom she needs to find someone else to help her .
I also suggest that this is the last trip for Mom to the states for healthcare where she expects you to help her .
Your mother either needs to follow up in the country she lives in , or she will have to make arrangements for someone to help her and it not be you .
How is Mom paying for her medical care here in the states , btw ? Is she a citizen ?
You need help, plain and simple. Help with your mom and help with your anger issues.
And yes you deserve to go on vacation as well, as that just may help you decompress a bit and actually have a bit of fun, away from all of your responsibilities.
If your sister isn't willing to come and stay with your mom while you go on vacation, you tell mom that she'll have to hire in-home caregivers(with her own money of course)while you and your family get away for a much needed break.
You really need it before you do something much worse to one of your children than slap them.
Stop feeling guilty and get some therapy to help manage your anger so you don't take out your frustrations on your kids and you can ultimately set some boundaries with what you will and won't do for your mother.
Good luck to you.