my 75 year old mom moved in with us about 9 months ago, and it’s become a nightmare. We were moving out of state, and as an only child, I couldn’t leave her. I purchased a house and she moved in with us after she sold hers. I’m grateful she did because I hadn’t realized what bad shape she was in. She had diabetes she didn’t know about, was not taking her medications how she should be, she fell a bunch of times (and still is). She just wasn’t taking care of herself and still doesn’t, if idon’t do it for her. She was also driving and hitting curbs and mailboxes. She has not driven since she moved in with us, something she gives me grief about daily. I bring her to her doctor appointments, handle and sort her meds, get her groceries, cook for her, etc. If I don’t make her food, she either doesn’t eat, or just eats bananas. Her memory is all over the place. I have an appointment to see a neurologist in October. She sees and hears things that aren’t there, she forgets things all the time, rambles on incoherently. She gets moody, depressed, angry. She fights with my kids and husband all the time. Ive become so depressed. I dread waking up everyday, there’s always a new issue. She got into an argument with my husband tonight and said she hates living here and wants to go back home. She regrets moving in with us and makes sure to tell me at least once a week. I started looking at apartmentsnearby, but how can she live on her own when she doesn’t take care of herself? I hate this situation we’re in and I’m so sad our relationship is ruined because of all of this
I don't know how all this got missed, but Mom, if she's no longer capable of moderating and changing behavior, has no CHOICE in the matter.
She is living with YOU. As long as that works out for YOU that she lives in YOUR home then its fine.
But it isn't OK to disrupt and take over your life.
When living together isn't right for ONE PERSON, then it isn't going to work and has to be changed. She isn't allowed to take over your life unless YOU ALLOW it.
Harry responds below indicating we on Forum are "dismissive": that we say "move her to MC" and then go on with our lives. Of course we do go on with our lives. We aren't the ones who made the mistake of taking an elder in, and assuming 24/7 care when they need several shifts with several working each shift.
The problem isn't ours. It is yours to solve. And we are telling the ways in which it CAN be solved. Solved easily? OH, NO. It will take time and trauma a-plenty.
There will have to be conversations that are honest--talks that will result in rage, tears and accusations.
There will be a ton of research into assets. It will take attorneys and forms and it will START in the MD office with a good evaluation. There's nothing easy about it. It's dreadful hard and heartbreaking work; which is why we caution people not to take people into their homes without know the crucible it will be with its certain downward trajectory, and the muddy syrup you'll sludge through in getting out.
And it has nothing to do with "WHAT THEY WANT". We all have a lot of "wants" in our lives throughout. How many of those wants do we ever end up getting?
The 'crucible' it will be. That is indeed the perfect description. You know, people start off with the best of intentions when they move a needy senior relative into their home to help with caregiving. So many have the 'Golden Girls' fantasy that mothers and daughters will be like Sofia and Dorothy. It is never that. People like us and the members of this forum have been to the mountain as they say and we know better.
Before agreeing to move an aging parent or LO into a family home with spouses and kids, or without, a person should join a forum like this for a while to get some understanding of what they're taking on. Guaranteed most of them will make different arrangements for their LO.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now have a agency. I've seen your story play out many times. A family keeps their LO with dementia living with them for far longer than they should. Their marriages suffer, their kids suffer, their lives, jobs, and everything else gets wrecked. Many once happy marriages end up bitter and resentful in the divorce court because of a situation just like yours.
Whether or not your mother 'wants' or 'refuses' to go into assisted living really doesn't matter here. Your life, husband, children, job, and home come first. These things must come before what your mother wants, needs, or demands.
Your mother living in your house is ruining everyone's lives. Put her in AL or memory care then you can go back to being her daughter and not her care slave. You can still be a big part of her life. You can visit her often, take her out, an advocate for her so she gets good care.
Please for your sake and your family's find her an AL or memory care.
A child should NEVER give up their lives for their parent(s) and jeopardize their own happiness.
So quit looking at apartments as your mom is too far gone in her health mental and physical to live by herself anymore, and instead start looking for assisted living facilities in your area. And then give mom the choices of which one she would like to move to on her dime not yours.
And if money is an issue your mom will have to apply for Medicaid.
I wish you well in taking your home and your life back, and in getting your mom out sooner than later.
What your mom actually doesn’t want to be old with a failing memory and facing the loss of her independence. This is totally reasonable but since none of those things are within anyone’s control you both have to play the hand you’re dealt, so to speak. You have to find the least worst option and go for it.
You also responded, “A few comments say I’m ruining my families lives and it hurts. I don’t want to ruin their lives, but I feel stuck. I have no one helping me with any of this, it’s just me. I’m doing the best I can and clearly I’m failing.”
You’re not failing. You tried something new and it didn’t work. So what? You’ve identified that it’s not working and as a grown person with a family you’ll now have to try something new.
You only “ruin everyone’s life” if you give up and don’t keep trying to do what’s best. It’s hard. It’s hard to do by yourself and if you had siblings to “help” it would be hard because nobody would probably agree and you’d be fighting with them too instead of just mom.
Please be aware that often the comments that seem the harshest on here are a kind of tough love. They’re mostly really trying to help.
Please check into it and make plans to get her out. She's not happy living with you either.
#1. Full medical assessment
#2. Placement in care in-facility.
In order to accomplish this, at the least, temporary guardianship or guardianship (by yourself, or by the state if your mom is too unwilling to go for medical assessment and placement is required
I would call APS if your mother cannot find herself capable of cooperating with placement now. You have painted yourself into a corner by taking all of this on without a lot of thought, and have therefore a lot of problems ahead in addressing it. That is going to be really tough for you; I am so sorry. It serves as a warning of what NOT to do.
That your mother sold her home is a good thing, as she has assets to get into care. You will need a good deal of honesty now in telling her that living with her has not worked and you are unwilling to continue it, and that she is in all likelihood no longer able to live alone on her own with any safety. Let her know that the options now are to begin with Medical checkin or have APS come to help that happen whether she wishes it or not.
Again, I am so sorry this happened in the manner it has.
Your mother needs help so a facility sounds like the best choice. I don't believe she has any basis for taking you to court, but if it relieves your mind, see a lawyer about how to get her out of your place and into a facility. Draw some boundaries with consequences if the boundaries are crossed. This is not about her happiness but about her having her care needs met and about you and your family having your needs met.
Your mother isn't happy now and she likely won't be regardless the solution. She is not well, physically or mentally and her care is too much for you and your family. Do you have POA? Is she paying rent?
I agree that her saying she was unhappy is a good thing. Capitalize on that and start making alternate plans for her. Tell her doctor about her inability to care for herself and her behaviour around your family. Your local Agency for Aging may be able to help you. Her wishes can't be what drives your family. She is past being able to manage her own care, and that includes where she lives. Many of us have been alone in making these decisions. In some ways it's like tough love. You can do it!!!