Hi. I moved my mom in with me in 2022. At the time I had no clue how bad she had declined. She lived in another state and was in an abusive relationship. We brought her here by having my brother bring her. She couldn’t hear, she has incontinence problems, she doesn’t do anything to help herself including shower and bathe. She broke her hip a month ago and no is home. Her mobility is very limited but she can go outside to smoke. She now urinates and defecates herself. Leaves her diapers everywhere. I am trying and have tried to get her assistance (Texas) for at least medical to no avail. I cannot afford to have in home care. I work 12 hr. shifts. She doesn’t seem to try and I can’t take care of her. I’m not sure that she is even capable of taking care of herself. I need some advice.
For a broken hip she should have had rehab. While there, u could have requested a 24/7 care evaluation. If found that Mom needs 24/7 care you tell the SW you can not care for her and you cannot afford aides to be with her. If SHE has no money for an Assisted living than she transitions to Long-term care. Where I live, they are in the same building. Then you apply for Medicaid for her. If you have no POA for her, then you may want to allow the State to become her guardian.
I hope the 60 is ur age and not hers.
The mobility issue is both central to her care issues, but also deceptive. You must find it madly frustrating that she’s willing to drag herself to feed a vice that’s probably active in her physical de li e, while at the same time not managing her own toileting.
On this point, consider- did you establish the RULE that you would NOT permit smoking in your home, a rule that was absolutely your legitimate right to install?
If so, looking back, was there any reason for her to assume that she could remove herself from typical toileting, showering, disposal of soiled sanitary garments.
If you’re tough enough, I think from strictly a “care” point of view I’d stop buying her cigarettes, and see if doing so would emerge as a potential incentive for showering and appropriate disposal of disposables.
Although you may legally (and kindly) have assumed responsibility for her care, find out what your state law requires in terms of legal responsibility on your part. If she is actually legally indigent, you need to know.
She may have been emotionally damaged prior to moving in with you, or may be a victim of early dementia, or the whole constellation of sad circumstances may be responsible for this, but you know that nothing in this situation is doing any of you much good, and you have to be “the agent of change”.
Hands on assessment (social worker, physician, psychologist….) may give you a start in learning what you’re dealing with. Her behavior? Pain management? Cognitive failure? You have to find out.
Keep in touch. We listen.
If you work 12-hour shifts, is some other part of the "we" at home with her? Or is she by herself all that time? (And if there is another person in the home, what do they think about all of this?)
So, his mom is basically alone the majority of the time. This guy is not able to care for his mom. He has to find alternative care for his mother.
People seriously age differently.. gosh , I have been 29 years of age for about 30 years, and think I’d like to go snowboarding again or windsurfing again. Those were the days..
take care of you, take care of mom. Ask doc to palliative and hospice care evaluatin.
if it wasn’t for this forum and my friends, my DH may have been close to death.. stubborn man: making me feel guilty of things. Stay on this forum.
Re; my Dh my daughter drove dad to ER.. he was scared… fuced up and boy, they drew out so much blood.
grt her in to ER. They told me :you brought him. We are here to patch up things and send patience home asap.
can she drive? Or walk? If not.. stop buying her cigarettes.. or our rules no smoking aloud,
”she doesn’t do anything to help herself including shower and bathe”
Your mom has dementia. She needs help now with all those things.
“I’m not sure that she is even capable of taking care of herself”
She’s not. She clearly has dementia. Otherwise she would say to you, “Help me please. I need to shower, go to the bathroom. I have pain in my hip. I can’t easily bend up and down.”
I know you’re trying your best, but be careful: leaving your mom in feces/urine all day can be elder abuse/neglect.
She might right now have sores on her bottom from all that.
It’s really too bad she can’t afford to hire caregivers. You’re not able to help with all this, while working 12 hours/day.
How about calling APS?
An “ER dump” can be traumatic for all involved, but have you considered it? Sometimes it’s the right thing to do.
Your mom needs daily help…perhaps a NH.
Your profile says mom is 60, is that accurate?
Was she working before you brought her to Texas?
Does she receive any disability, SSDI or other income?
Does she have a history of mental illness or being "limited" in any way?
I'm sorry to ask so many questions, but you'll get better advice if we know more.
Yet motivated to get outside - to smoke.
Depression? Cognitive decline? Mental illness? Other? Whatever the reason, your house is being trashed.
Have you been clear about your house rules? What you need in terms of cleanliness & hygiene for a guest to continue staying?
Is it clear to Mom whether she is in fact a temporary guest or a permanent resident?
Talk to Mom.
Discuss what YOU need for YOUR living space & home.
Ask what's going on for HER? Discuss the future - her moving out into her own space.
What would she need to do that?
Here is the website address for your area aaact.org
Best wishes to you and your mother.
She figures someone will clean up her messes as long as it's not her.
Good luck getting her out if that's what you want. She's doing what is referred to as "nesting".
I mention the home health route because having a nurse case manager can help advocate to get your mother admitted into skilled nursing. That is essentially what your mother needs, and you can tell them you are not capable of providing that type of care for her at home. Since she is also a fall risk, and has a multitude of problems, if paying for private pay is not an option, skilled nursing is your best course of placement.
I went through something similar with this with my father. He was discharged much too soon from the hospital and in 1 month had to be readmitted 7 times!!
I feel for you, I really do.
Maybe others will come along and give you helpful tips too.