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She has no savings. Has to pay caregiver. $20/hr, $300/mo visa bill, groceries utilities, taxes. She hasn’t found a skilled nursing facility she likes. She planned on selling her home to pay for that. She is very particular. So I’m loaning her money every month and she normally pays it back but recently it has been more borrowing and less paying back. What to do?

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Since she has options for where to go and an ability to pay by selling her house, you can stop lending her money without guilt. That will actually help her by prompting her to made a decision and get the long-term plan underway.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
Thank you!
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Please stop lending her money. As you can see it is unsustainable and you will probably never see that money again -- no matter what she promises. She's the one that needs to take the risk, not you. She needs to find a place and then sell her house. Do not give her another penny. She is 75 yrs old and should know how to budget by now. You can help her find out what social services are available to her. If she's bedbound and cannot use a wheelchair then she probably is a candidate for LTC which can be covered by Medicaid plus her SS income. She needs to first sell her house and go into a good facility on private pay. Then, when her money is a few months from running out she applies for Medicaid and can stay in the same facility as long as she checked first to ensure they accept Medicaid recipients. I feel sorry for her caregiver because eventually she won't get paid, either.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
Thank you!
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I think that you as an adult can decide what best to do about someone you loan money to, who doesn't pay it back.

Please refer this woman in need to APS or family members who might be able to help her with future needs.

Best out to you; clearly you have a good heart, but your head needs to tell you that it will take you a LIFETIME of careful saving and good luck to be able to afford not to be in this poor woman's position in future.

Good luck.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
Thank you. True.
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Stop enabling a user. That is what you do.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
You’re right!
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What does your cousins weight have to do with you loaning her money? She can join the club since 40.3% of adults in the USA are obese, and 12.9% are severely obese. Americans sure love super sized portions, drive thru windows and grazing on snacks.

Stop loaning your cousin money she's not paying back. That's giving her money when she owns a home she can sell. That's my suggestion.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
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Thanks for the update. I am hoping you've gotten the loans in writing (and signed by her) so that when she pays you back from the sale of her home, it doesn't look like gifting. If not, I'd do this immediately. Leverage any future help if she doesn't want to sign anything. In fact, you should rent a storage locker and have her pay for 2 or more years in advance for it. No way should you be storing her crap in your garage of continue to be her lackey. Start using the word "No".
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You might consider going to a therapist to find out why you need to keep obeying and "rescuing" this cousin at your own expense. This is a codependent relationship and therefore not healthy. You are very enmeshed with her and it's costing you a lot in several ways, I don't mean to be unkind but rather, realistic.

She seems to be sucking you in more and more. Your best course is to stop enabling her and set firm boundaries as to what, if any, help you will give her. She won't like it but then you don't like what is happening to you, and you are every bit as important as she is. Your job is first and foremost to look after yourself. No one else can do that.

There are very good suggestion in posts here. You need to protect yourself from this person who is taking advantage of you. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Time to put a stop to that and put yourself and your needs first. Take steps towards that and take care of you.
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Flyhigh53 Mar 15, 2025
Eye opening! Thank you! I’ve got a lot to think about!!
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You are free to loan money to whomever you please; I myself, if asked for a loan, make it a gift or don't do it at all. Because normally it becomes, indeed, a gift.
If a "loan" in my mind I would feel free to judge everything the person I loaned to--what they paid for a cup of Starbucks; whether they went to movie at night, or cheaper matinee, how often they are out to eat or order in a pizza, whether they were playing around of Home Shopping Network, etc. Not a good thing. Not for them and not for me.

I will only say this. I do give to charities, I do help family members, BUT, I have a set limit I personally will not fall below myself, for what I guesstimate (and it is just that) my own care, given I had to go into memory care tomorrow, would cost me. I am 83 this year. We are getting closer to the point where I cannot outlive my money; but not there yet!

Do understand in your own mind that it takes a LIFETIME of good job, good luck, hard savings, coupon clipping to save up enough to be what Dave Ramsey (I recommend him for your listening pleasure and hers as well) calls "self-insured".
If you are not that--SELF INSURED--you would be foolish to foster another's need beyond small help, grocery bag now and again, etc. Help her explore management of her money; help her keep a good budget. Help her understand the repercussions of non-payment of her bills.

Wish you the best. All your decision as an adult, but just a couple of small things to think about. Hope others can help as well.
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Flyhigh53 Mar 16, 2025
Thanks! Loved your style of writing! Lots of food for thought! Tjx’
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Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Your cousin’s life is none of your business really
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First and foremost, stop loaning the money. If she has the assets to sell to pay for her AL, then she should do just that. It is not YOUR responsibility.
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