My father has dementia, likely stage 5-6. My mother has Alzheimer’s in her family and has been incredibly confused over the past few months. I have MS.
My mom went to the hospital six days ago for a UTI. The prognosis is good, but she’s very weak and we found her on the floor having fallen during the night more than a few times so it might be time for her to go to a nursing home.
My father has had a lot of losses lately: two sisters, the stresses of my mom in the hospital (whom he put through the wringer verbally on a daily basis including when she was very sick), and most importantly, the loss of his driver’s license. He’s become increasingly angry in the past few months, set off by anything.I have given up arguing with him completely, knowing it would only lead to a fight that we might not recover from. I just do what I’m asked.
A few weeks ago, dad became infuriated with me, for no apparent reason. It resulted in him screaming “You want to test me? I will kill you, I’ll kill, I’ll kill, I’ll kill, I’ll kill, I’ll kill”, while punching the sofa and walls. We took some time apart, but resumed our master/servant (caretaker) relationship. Two days ago, probably frustrated by my mom being in the hospital, he was being especially abusive to me - “FILL MY CUP WITH WATER! PUT MY KNIFE IN THE DRAWER WHERE IT BELONGS! CLEAN THE CRUMBS OFF OF MY PLATE THE RIGHT WAY!, all while sitting and enjoying watching me hop around like a rabbit. He finally barked another order at me and I, fed up with his treatment of me and my mom, said no, you’re capable, do it yourself. This ignited a fire in his eyes like I hadn’t seen since he threatened to kill me. He grabbed the kitchen table, started shaking it and yanking around the floor, screaming that I’m a p*ssy. I yelled back “ Don’t call me a p*ssy”. He responded by saying you are a p*ssy, and a chicken sh*t!, And proceeded to pull kitchen table to block me in the kitchen so I couldn’t get out. He Appeared to think about his next move. He stood there for a minute and walked away. I stayed away from him for the rest of the day.
Then came yesterday. I came down in the morning to tend to him and clean up the mess that he leaves for me to clean up. He had not made up his bed like he usually does. He was obviously still frustrated when he looked at the mess that his bed was and said,”what are you gonna do about that?”, which p*ssed me off, but I didn’t react. I distracted him and we got off the subject. He then yelled at me., “So have you heard from your mother yet this morning from the hospital? I said no, but Why don’t we call her? So I called the hospital on my phone and handed it to him when she answered. He snatched the phone out of my hand aggressively. I said Why did you yank the phone out of my hand, and he said “you think you’re tough don’t you, we’ll see how tough you are. And then talked to my mom. When he hung up the phone with her, he looked at the phone with a smile on his face,, put the phone in his pocket and started walking away. I said give me my phone that’s my phone. He said no it’s not. It’s his. After some back-and-forth, he started walking away, and I stuck my hand in his pocket, grabbed the phone. There was a tussle for the phone, but I was not letting it go. That was my only lifeline out of that house, and I yanked the phone out of his hand. He turned and took a punch at me, but missed. I had a reaction to punch back, but I didn’t. Thank God. I went upstairs, called my sister, she told me to pack a bag and that I’m moving in with her and her family, which had been discussed in the past.
Now my father is on a 5150 hold. my sister and I are discussing selling the house and finding long-term care for both of them, if appropriate. I feel very guilty not only that my dad is on a hold, but that I’m not able to take care of them. My symptoms have been crazy since I started caring for them . Finally I have a chance to feel better physically. Any comments are welcome.
IF neither your sister nor yourself currently have POA then I would not seek it for parents already in dementia who cannot confer it legally upon you. This is now a matter of leaving the premises and report two elders who are out of control and require supervision for their own safety. I am afraid the State may need to take guardianship here.
You have one parent in care. It's time to call in social workers at whatever facility and to let them know you cannot safely act for your parents.
Guilt is out of the question and has no relevance here. You didn't cause this and can't fix it and guilt requires causation out of malice. That doesn't describe you.
And you are utterly helpless to fix this.
One doctor told one of the Forum members that "Sometimes, in the end, it comes down to who will survive, Them or you. "
Please report to APS, to social workers, to any authority that your parents are no longer safe alone in their home.
This will be a long process, but you aren't God, nor even a fairy with a wand. You can't fix this.
Please do not feel guilty . You have not caused your parents illnesses or the fact that they need to be taken care of by non family . You can’t fix this .
This is what my mother’s doctor told me when I was at my wits end with my Mom “ Often a parent with dementia becomes abusive to family , and Mom needs to be taken care of by non family . “ The doctor told me she was more worried about me than Mom .
Dad sees you as his child who is supposed to obey him. This is no longer working . If you got injured , severely ill , or died, your parents would end up in a nursing home anyway . They need to be placed in a facility .
You living with your parents is no more , ever . You deserve a peaceful life . Stay safe .
Its time to get all the balls rolling now so everyone is kept safe and relatively content.
I'm glad you have a place to stay, if necessary, in the meantime. Ditch the guilt that you are not qualified to single handedly care for 2 parents who require a TEAM of caregivers working 24/7 to meet their needs. Don't add unnecessary grief to your already overloaded plate. You've been a good son and will continue to do right by your parents. Most would've left them high and dry LONG AGO. You stuck it out and are STILL doing right by them. God bless you.
Best of luck to you, and go easy on yourself my friend.
He was 100% capable of killing you and very well might have if you didn’t have him committed. That is where he is now. Completely capable of murder because his brain is dying.
Do your parents have PoAs? If so, is it you, or your sister? This is the person/people who now have to step up for your parents. Hopefully your parents are not the PoA for each other... Just bringing this up because if no one is the PoA for your Dad, and he refuses to cooperate with any care plan, then your only option would be to keep your Mom out of that house for now, and call APS and keep calling APS to report him until they maybe do an emergency guardianship and remove him to a facility. If this happens, and your Mom is improved, maybe you can continue living back in the house. This may be a question for a certified elder law attorney, as people with long-term disabilities do have some legal protections regarding housing.
I would give your Mom some time to recoup from her UTI before assuming she needs an AL yet. Also, if she still has her mind then she gets to make this decision and no one else. If she doesn't have a PoA she needs to put this place soon. And it should maybe be your sister. You also should have a PoA in place if you don't already.
Stay far away from your Father, everyone needs to back away. If you or anyone (like your sister) inserts themselves to help him then this will actually delay the solution that APS may be able to put in place.
Your Father is a candidate for MC, not LTC. He will need meds for his aggression but that will be APS's, or a caseworker's, problem to solve if you let them. Yes, it will feel awful to stand by and watch the sausage being made but keep reminding yourself that it will result in a permanent solution. It will be bad for a while and then things will improve. May you receive peace in your heart during this process.
I'm glad you moved out. Please do not go back to live with them for any reason. Dementia gets worse.
The stress alone will make your MS flare-up worse. You don't need that in your life. Caregivers have been known to pass away before the care recipient. Don't allow yourself to to become a victim and statistic.
As far as false guilt is concerned, you've gone as far as you can with this situation. From what you've described here, your parents are in need of a higher level of care. In all due honesty, it sounds like it's time for a skilled nursing facility.
What does your father need with a driver's license if he is in the fifth or sixth stage of dementia.
I congratulate you on getting out safely. You and sister are on the right track, so don't be deceived by dad's apologies or convinced by mom's advocacy for him or whatever else comes up. The important thing is that you and everyone else stay safe.
Guilt is not appropriate. Take heart in knowing you did the right thing.
No one could be expected to manage such an unmanageable situation. I truly hope you are able to take a beat to decompress and take care of yourself mentally as well as physically. 🫂🫂🫂
If they have the funds it sounds like Assisted Living would be a good option. While both may have dementia the 2 together might do alright. That is if your father is not abusive. Normally I am one to say that anyone with dementia should be in Memory Care as there is less of a chance that they can leave on their own
You need to make it perfectly clear that dad can not return home as it is unsafe.
Selling the house is the most logical thing to do in this case.
I have to ask...is mom on board with selling the house and moving to a facility that can manage their care? If not you may have a fight on your hands if you or your sibling are not POA.
You should not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. to remain in the situation the way it is is unhealthy and unsafe.
It will do you good to distance yourself. You were becoming way too enmeshed. When I read your detailed interactions, it feels you are over-engaging with someone who clearly is not in their right mind, and getting into spats. You cannot treat your father as someone who understands. He is losing his grip on reality, along with so many other losses, and he is probably feeling scared and vulnerable. He doesn't have the capacity to regulate his emotions and aggressive actions.
If you do interact with him, keep that in mind. Think of how you would deal with a toddler. AND keep yourself at a safe distance. Your father is confused and strong enough to cause damage.
You should not feel guilty that you are not able to take care of your parents. You have done as much as you can do, and it is now beyond your capability. Allow professionals to take over from here. That is what both your parents need now.
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