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In reading about the disease, I’m sure it’s very hard to see a anyone in such decline and especially a sister.
Sister may be worried about you, your health, worried about what she would do if something happened to you. It is hard to dissuade someone when they are on a mission to protect a loved one and her sisters disease is progressing as you explained.
I saw where you are involved in reverse mortgages. Do you think her sister is concerned that you may be taking the equity from her sisters home and using it for something besides her care? Perhaps leaving her sister destitute and having to be placed in a facility with no funds to pay her way? Have you known the sister a long time as well? Since you were life long friends, I assume you knew her extended family? Maybe not. Does she trust you as much as your friend? People don’t always agree on the best course of action. Sister may be absolutely wrong but at the same time very concerned.
With the limited information you have given, I am just trying to understand why the sister would be “demanding”. Usually when our loved one is obviously being well taken care of, we feel content that all is as well as possible.
It is very difficult to be someone’s caregiver. Even though we may have the best of intentions when we start, it is easy to become overwhelmed and to become annoyed when someone doubts our ability to give the care needed. I’m not saying that is the problem. I don’t know. Just trying to brain storm here with you as to why her sister would be so demanding and why now? You have been there almost two years. We were all very distracted during the worst of COVID. It sounds like your friend was lucky to have you care for her and as has been pointed out, you are not legally compelled to give the sister answers but why would you resist? I do hope you find a way to come to an agreement with the sisters that works for all.
What Alva said. You are assigned POA so this friend must have trusted nannette more than her own sibling. I can understand that. As POA nannette is not obligated to give friend's sister any information. She represents her friend. As a lifelong friend, she probably knows this sister well. Enough so, she is sure that her friend would not want her private information given out.
As Alva said, a responsibility of a POA is to keep the principles financial and medical info private. I would just tell the sister that your sorry but as POA you cannot give out info concerning her sister. Like financial info. You can say to the sister she has nothing to worry about, finances are OK. Medically wise, that she is progressing the way drs thought. Or progressing faster than the Drs thought or is doing better than thought. You can say doing well today or not doing well today. But you don't need to give details. I do not believe the POA has the right to keep family away unless family causes the friend anxiety or she is anxious in some way. I would tell family if there is a need for hospice and that friend is dying. Think like ur friend. Would she want this sister to know her business? Your are acting in place of your friend. You are in charge until her death and then the Executor takes over. Make sure u keep very good records so u have proof if ever questioned.
Unless your friend has specifically said NOT to share information I see no reason why you could not give "updates" the conversation could go something like this.... "Sue Ellen is doing well, there have been no significant changes" If "Sue Ellen" wants her sister to be more informed you can do that, or "Sue Ellen" can talk to her sister. There is Caring Bridge where you can inform friends and family how things are going and give updates. Posting to Caring Bridge is confidential, only people that you authorize can view posts and make comments. It is a great way to keep people informed without disrupting your day answering calls or email.
Guess 1: Sister thinks it’s lesbian relationship and disapproves strongly. Guess 2: Sister thinks you’ll get the money, not her.
I’ve seen both guesses to be right. I’ve been asked to draft a will by a mother who wanted to prohibit her daughter inheriting any of her jewellery, because she didn’t want any chance that the daughter’s partner might wear it.
I’m not sure what difference either guess makes to OP's decisions.
I'm with the majority of the others here; why would you want to keep your friend's sister out of the information loop??
You may want to sign up for Caringbridge.org which is an online website/blogsite:
"Your personal CaringBridge website is your place to share health updates, photos and videos with the people who care about you.
You’re in control of your privacy. Customize your settings to make your updates private or public. Your personal data is never sold, and there’s no outside advertising.
Your personal CaringBridge website is designed to rally your family and friends together, to offer you support when and how you need it."
You post your friend's health updates in ONE place, then her friends and family members can log on for info. That kind of saves you from making a ton of phone calls/texts/emails to update people individually.
When my DH has health issues/surgeries, etc., I am responsible and happy to update all of our 7 children and his 2 siblings and other family members about his health status. I plan to use Caring Bridge myself for his next medical surgery which is upcoming soon.
Having been in this exact situation with a "concerned" relative who "only" wanted to be kept up to date about her dear, dear, family member..... My immediate thought when I read this is that the information is being used somehow or otherwise held against the OP. In my case, I sincerely tried putting myself in other person's shoes and bought into it that she "only" wanted to know because she cared so much..... Well. Everything I told this person about her family member was used against me. This was true up to and including said family member filling out a form for Medicare - supposedly she was trying to lighten my load and "only" filled out the form based on what I'd told her. I will never know the full extent of the damage she caused by inserting herself like that. She also criticized everything I did, accused me of disrespecting her family, and basically made my life a living terror when all I was trying to do was help an elder who needed it. I could go on all day about what happened after I (in good faith) provided information to her. She showed up at the NH to challenge the staff as to the care they were providing. By and large, she still did not have the big picture due to her own denial of the situation. She, however, believed she knew all ABC's of the whole thing. She did not. I no longer provide information. Period.
OK, so you are her POA. But her sister is family! Wouldn't you like to know your sibling's state of health? Were you given directions by her mom not to discuss any health matters? Are the other sisters being apprised of her health, or don't they give a hoot? Is there some kind of agenda here? Like vegaslady asks, “What's the problem?”
Pretty sure the woman in question knew her sister was in her family when she chose to give POA to the friend instead. There's no indication the woman has more than one sister and it's doubtful a 72 year old has a mom around to be giving instructions to anyone? This post is confusing. You can't choose your family, thank God you at least get to choose your powers of attorney.
Info from your profile is helpful so I'm posting it here:
"I am a 76-year old caring for my 72-year old lifelong friend. I moved into her home in March 2020 to provide care and keep us both safe from COVID. My initial plan was to hire daytime caregivers and cover nights; I still work part-time and have my own home.
COVID concerns kept me from hiring daytime help and I provided 24x7 care for most of 2020 and into 2021.
Her disease is PSP - progressive supra-nuclear palsy and its rare, and has FTD symptoms (frontal temporal) and parkinson-like mobility issues. She has become totally incontinent. I now have ~45-hrs daytime care and we are having difficulty finding a good fit for evenings/weekend help."
I have an observation about her future care: you are older than she. The likelihood that you could have a profound health problem that knocks you out of commission either physically or cognitively as her PoA increases with each passing year (if not month). What's the plan to address this? Is there an alternate PoA named who is younger? Even if her disease shortens her lifespan, I recently had a perfectly healthy cousin die sitting on his couch at age 62 from (we think) an afib event. Autopsy and toxicology report showed nothing, so an afib was assumed. No one would have ever thought in a million years he would die prematurely. Is your friend still able to make legal decisions? If so, she needs to figure out a PoA younger than you, or a professional, as a back-up before it's too late for her to do this. If she is already beyond being able to legally amend her legal protections, what do you think would happen if you couldn't provide and manage her care? Is her sister younger than both of you (and I mean by a lot)? I think this needs to be addressed for her protection. Hoping you have a PoA and legal planning/protections as well...
You tell the Sister that she is perfectly welcome to discuss anything she likes with your friend. You tell the sister that you are sorry but that a POA has a fiduciary duty NOT TO DISCUSS the personal, private and financial affairs of the person who has appointed them. You might want to print out from the internet the fiduciary legal duties of a POA. Tell the Sister that you will discuss health care issues with her as directed by your friend. If the friend does descend into any severe disability you may want to be prepared for the fact that the sister may apply for guardianship, and is likely, as a family member, to be designated as guardian. This would release you from your Fiduciary role. Keep good records so that you can hand them over to protect your friends assets and information if/when this happens. Best out to you. You have taken on a hard role if you are managing financial as well as health POA. Make a copy of HIPAA enclosed if you are functioning in this role in the USA. https://www.hhs.gov/hipaa/for-professionals/privacy/index.html
Ok, I'll ask. Why shouldn't the sister be concerned about the friend you moved in with and are managing her care? You have taken on a massive responsibility but on the surface here there seems to be no reason to exclude the sister who also expresses her concerns. What is the problem?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Sister may be worried about you, your health, worried about what she would do if something happened to you. It is hard to dissuade someone when they are on a mission to protect a loved one and her sisters disease is progressing as you explained.
I saw where you are involved in reverse mortgages. Do you think her sister is concerned that you may be taking the equity from her sisters home and using it for something besides her care? Perhaps leaving her sister destitute and having to be placed in a facility with no funds to pay her way? Have you known the sister a long time as well? Since you were life long friends, I assume you knew her extended family? Maybe not. Does she trust you as much as your friend? People don’t always agree on the best course of action. Sister may be absolutely wrong but at the same time very concerned.
With the limited information you have given, I am just trying to understand why the sister would be “demanding”. Usually when our loved one is obviously being well taken care of, we feel content that all is as well as possible.
It is very difficult to be someone’s caregiver. Even though we may have the best of intentions when we start, it is easy to become overwhelmed and to become annoyed when someone doubts our ability to give the care needed.
I’m not saying that is the problem. I don’t know. Just trying to brain storm here with you as to why her sister would be so demanding and why now? You have been there almost two years. We were all very distracted during the worst of COVID. It sounds like your friend was lucky to have you care for her and as has been pointed out, you are not legally compelled to give the sister answers but why would you resist?
I do hope you find a way to come to an agreement with the sisters that works for all.
As Alva said, a responsibility of a POA is to keep the principles financial and medical info private. I would just tell the sister that your sorry but as POA you cannot give out info concerning her sister. Like financial info. You can say to the sister she has nothing to worry about, finances are OK. Medically wise, that she is progressing the way drs thought. Or progressing faster than the Drs thought or is doing better than thought. You can say doing well today or not doing well today. But you don't need to give details. I do not believe the POA has the right to keep family away unless family causes the friend anxiety or she is anxious in some way. I would tell family if there is a need for hospice and that friend is dying. Think like ur friend. Would she want this sister to know her business? Your are acting in place of your friend. You are in charge until her death and then the Executor takes over. Make sure u keep very good records so u have proof if ever questioned.
the conversation could go something like this....
"Sue Ellen is doing well, there have been no significant changes"
If "Sue Ellen" wants her sister to be more informed you can do that, or "Sue Ellen" can talk to her sister.
There is Caring Bridge where you can inform friends and family how things are going and give updates. Posting to Caring Bridge is confidential, only people that you authorize can view posts and make comments. It is a great way to keep people informed without disrupting your day answering calls or email.
Guess 1: Sister thinks it’s lesbian relationship and disapproves strongly.
Guess 2: Sister thinks you’ll get the money, not her.
I’ve seen both guesses to be right. I’ve been asked to draft a will by a mother who wanted to prohibit her daughter inheriting any of her jewellery, because she didn’t want any chance that the daughter’s partner might wear it.
I’m not sure what difference either guess makes to OP's decisions.
You may want to sign up for Caringbridge.org which is an online website/blogsite:
"Your personal CaringBridge website is your place to share health updates, photos and videos with the people who care about you.
You’re in control of your privacy. Customize your settings to make your updates private or public. Your personal data is never sold, and there’s no outside advertising.
Your personal CaringBridge website is designed to rally your family and friends together, to offer you support when and how you need it."
You post your friend's health updates in ONE place, then her friends and family members can log on for info. That kind of saves you from making a ton of phone calls/texts/emails to update people individually.
When my DH has health issues/surgeries, etc., I am responsible and happy to update all of our 7 children and his 2 siblings and other family members about his health status. I plan to use Caring Bridge myself for his next medical surgery which is upcoming soon.
"I am a 76-year old caring for my 72-year old lifelong friend. I moved into her home in March 2020 to provide care and keep us both safe from COVID. My initial plan was to hire daytime caregivers and cover nights; I still work part-time and have my own home.
COVID concerns kept me from hiring daytime help and I provided 24x7 care for most of 2020 and into 2021.
Her disease is PSP - progressive supra-nuclear palsy and its rare, and has FTD symptoms (frontal temporal) and parkinson-like mobility issues. She has become totally incontinent. I now have ~45-hrs daytime care and we are having difficulty finding a good fit for evenings/weekend help."
I have an observation about her future care: you are older than she. The likelihood that you could have a profound health problem that knocks you out of commission either physically or cognitively as her PoA increases with each passing year (if not month). What's the plan to address this? Is there an alternate PoA named who is younger? Even if her disease shortens her lifespan, I recently had a perfectly healthy cousin die sitting on his couch at age 62 from (we think) an afib event. Autopsy and toxicology report showed nothing, so an afib was assumed. No one would have ever thought in a million years he would die prematurely. Is your friend still able to make legal decisions? If so, she needs to figure out a PoA younger than you, or a professional, as a back-up before it's too late for her to do this. If she is already beyond being able to legally amend her legal protections, what do you think would happen if you couldn't provide and manage her care? Is her sister younger than both of you (and I mean by a lot)? I think this needs to be addressed for her protection. Hoping you have a PoA and legal planning/protections as well...
You might want to print out from the internet the fiduciary legal duties of a POA. Tell the Sister that you will discuss health care issues with her as directed by your friend.
If the friend does descend into any severe disability you may want to be prepared for the fact that the sister may apply for guardianship, and is likely, as a family member, to be designated as guardian. This would release you from your Fiduciary role. Keep good records so that you can hand them over to protect your friends assets and information if/when this happens.
Best out to you. You have taken on a hard role if you are managing financial as well as health POA.
Make a copy of HIPAA enclosed if you are functioning in this role in the USA.
https://www.hhs.gov/hipaa/for-professionals/privacy/index.html