Mom and I didn’t have a good relationship. I had four brothers and I was the only, eldest girl. Mom, born in China, didn’t have a relationship with her mom. I had lots of responsibility to care for my brothers.
Mom wasn’t the loving, caring mother. Maybe she never felt that when growing up.
As she got older, her selfishness, and meanness was increased. I tried to do the best for her. When she was diagnosed with Dementia and Alzheimer’s, I took over finding care at her home. When her illness became worse, I found her a memory care facility after visiting seven different ones.
It was hard because she didn’t want to be there. She became combative and violent. Finally, she settled into her new home. Of course she blamed me for being placed with a bunch of “crazy people”. She hated me and was vocal about that. When I visited, she wanted to know about her houses, stocks, and bank accounts.
When I was diagnosed with epilepsy, I tried not to think about her, but I am her POA and Trustee. I still dealt with clearing her hoarding filled homes, selling one and renting the other. It took my husband and I 6 months to clear out, repair and replace appliances in order to rent. It had been empty for 4 years!
Did the same with her last home. At least she has money to pay for her care.
I deal with all her financial matters, and that was a nightmare! So hopefully you can see why I’m so stressed with the thought of seeing her.
What can or what should I do for Christmas?
Thank you for letting me vent. This is just a small part of what I’m going through.
Secondly, what most people don't understand is that we 'children' of elders with dementia are managing their entire LIVES while they live in the Memory Care, just as this OP is doing. Sometimes getting very depressed and burned out in the process. Trying to figure out how to pay the enormous bills that come with MC, how to juggle checkbooks and finances, etc., and how to make X amount of dollars last until the parent dies when they'll probably live to be 100. And then what? Then we have to jump through more fiery hoops to get them approved for Medicaid and placed into another facility with a roommate where the complaining will be ramped up even FURTHER than it was while they were living with the 'crazy morons' in Memory Care. It's no joke folks, what we do, no joke at ALL. The depression and hopelessness we 'children' feel sometimes is overwhelming. Their lack of gratitude and/or civility towards us for ALL that we DO for them is unbelievable. There's no understanding on their part of all that's involved for US, nada.
Then comes The Visits. The visits that are pure torture most times. The complaining, the carrying on, the senseless questions and repetitive statements that we have to figure out how to distract them from, all of it is hard on us. Yes, it's hard for them too, but nobody looks at what WE go through! The stomach aches that precede each visit are very real. Chewing Tums becomes the new norm. Trying to come up with fiblets and stories to ward off the inevitable questions about the dead relatives and where they are & why they're not visiting is very, very stressful. Then there are OUR health issues b/c we are retirees most of us! Our life issues that have to be put to the side while we straighten out THEIR chronic problems Every. Single. Day. Phone calls that never stop, from doctors, and the Memory Care itself, about the falls and the medication changes, and the UTIs and asking us if we want the parent taken to the hospital for low pulse rates and on and on and ON.
For the OP to say 'this is just a small part of what I'm going through' is a gross understatement. She also has houses to deal with and hoards to clean out all while her mother is ranting about bank statements and stocks. And the thought of bringing statements by for her to look at is LUDICROUS! Just another torture device for the mother to use against her b/c there would be NO comprehension of what she was looking at! Next thing you know, the daughter will be STEALING her money!
To the OP. God bless you and keep you, my friend. My heart goes out to you for all you're doing and all your pain & suffering. Call your mother for Christmas and wish her a Merry Christmas. Then do whatever it is YOU want to do for that day, w/o worrying about Depends or finances or medications or hoards or houses or delusions or ANY of the 24/7 crap you've been dealing with for far too long now. Take the day to YOURSELF and don't let the guilt set in for one second. Have a stress free day for ONCE in your life. You deserve to.
Thank YOU for letting ME vent.
"One thing nice about getting older is that I don't need to do anything I don't want to. I have learned the word 'No'.
Do not go! Start taking care of you. You have lost enough because of her 💜
Hugs to you too!
I feel like I am just now coming out of the fog.
I have to have further treatments over the next few weeks.
I don't know if I can possibly add a visit to see my mother at Christmas, with the mental and physical load that I'm under.
Maybe it's the same for you. Maybe it's just too much. If we go under, we won't be visiting them anyway....so why not just have some kindness for ourselves right now?
Just thinking out loud, and to say that I understand what you're facing.
If you do not want to visit don't. At least not on Christmas.
Go before, go after...if you wish to.
Send a gift. Send a card.
(I would also send the staff a tray of cookies or other treat that can be shared *store bought and delivered, not homemade*)
I realized something while caring for my Husband, and it became an eye opener for me.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and all the other holidays are/ were JUST days to him. To have a bunch of people over just confused him and the "holiday" had no meaning for him. It was just another day just like the one before it, the one before that and on and on. I spent many a "holiday" with just the 2 of us at home and for me the "holiday" was just another day. I did the exact same thing 365 days a year.
So visit your mom when you want to when you are less stressed.
By the way there is no "rule" that says you have to visit at all. You can manage her care without visiting her. You can see her without her seeing you if you so wish. Pop in when they are having a meal and watch from a distance so that you can see she is doing well. If they are going on an outing find out when and where they will be and you can "happen" to be in the same area.
You can be a good care manager, a good advocate without it effecting your emotional stability.
I have said on may occasions that when it is not safe to care for someone at home it is time to place them,. That safety is not just physical but mental, emotional safety as well.
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