I'm with my Mom 24/7 and I get so frustrated with her and I shouldn't because I've lost 2 Aunts in the last few month due to Alzheimer's or dementia and a friend just lost her mom a few days ago so I should feel fortunate to have mine. I really need respite or just a few hours away from her. I was told by the state of Texas I had to take her or they were gonna put her away and I'd never see her again. I couldn't let that happen so I drove down there to get her. Every day is a challenge and I'm not sure what to do. She wants my brother to come home to Kansas because she lived with him for 4 years then he had a stroke and she had no where to go that's how I ended up bringing her home to Kansas. I talk to my brother and he doesn't understand how much her mind is going south in a year. I can't find anywhere that will help me. I go to my basement to spend some time with my daughter who lives in the basement just to feel kinda normal. My daughter can't help me with her because she has anxiety and depression and my mom upsets her. My brother is in a wheelchair and can't care for himself so I would have him and top of everything here. I'm on a downward spiral.
I certainly said that many times. I said it as I slept on the floor beside her bed because she was a constant fall risk. I said it when my children stopped bringing their friends to our house. I said it one Christmas Eve when she fell into a deep sleep, and out of fear DH and I spent the entire Christmas day with her in the local hospital emergency department.
I said it while I gained 65 pounds in 6 months, and my blood pressure soared, and I stopped sleeping through the night.
I said it when I lost my job, my friends from Church.
Then came the day that she slid out of bed against me and only by sheer luck and the Grace of God was I able to catch her, jeopardizing her very slowly mending broken hip.
And THAT was the day I knew that the thought of her falling was my way of learning that she needed the safety and security of residential care, because even with help, I was totally overwhelmed by her needs and totally ignoring my own.
She’d had a wonderful experience in her rehab, 3 1/2 miles from my home, and I called them. They had a room available and I took it. And the day she went there began 5 1/2 years of the happiest life she’d known since my father had died 20 years before.
I went VERY OFTEN, and enjoyed the visits as she did. But she also began to have friends, wonderful caregivers, and activities that she enjoyed. They grew to love her too, even when she’d ask them to “share” their lunches with her, which they always did.
Begin doing the research. It will empower you to do it, whether you decide to give it a try or not. See what’s nearby.
And one more thing. My mom was my best friend, and I cherished her dearly. Please stop examining your feelings based on what you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. It is SO HARD being a full time caregiver. Some days are good, some are OK, many are VERY TOUGH. You SHOULD be doing things that are good for your mom’s safety, comfort, and peace, but that doesn’t mean that you SHOULD be doing all of her care yourself. You SHOULD be taking good care of yourself too.
”Downward spirals” aren’t fair to you OR fair to Mom.
Many of us have been through this. You aren’t alone.
I would call your cousin. They went through hard times and will most likely understand.
My mom’s brother had Parkinson’s disease. Mom has Parkinson’s disease. I did speak to my cousins before and after by uncle died. They were a big help and understood what I was going through.
Try, if they don’t want to talk to you they will let you know.
Whatever the grief is (and the word IS grief, not guilt, as you are not an evil felon) there are going to be limitations. Even the sacrifice of your life cannot prevent breakdown eventually.
Placement into nursing home doesn't mean you abandon those you love; it means you cannot conceivably be there for one person 24/7, let alone the thought of a second, with your brother.
I am so sorry you are facing this. Often a few visits with a Licensed Social Worker who counsels people on Life Passages and changes can help both to find resources and to recognize limitations. It is all so worth mourning; and not everything has a perfect answer or can be fixed. I am so sorry you are so overwhelmed. There are so few "answers" in this situation. I hope others will have a few things to help.