And I think they feel guilty, as do I. We are all three Power of Attorney over her health and property. Mom is quite amazing for 101. Her doctor has given us a note saying she isn't capable of making decisions regarding her health. My thoughts are why tell her when she can never go home. I think if she knew, she would get very depressed and it would crush her spirit. It's her last bit of independence to think her house is still there. She doesn't understand that we can't afford to keep it. It's a tough decision. I appreciate the responses. Thank you to everyone.
I see where you asked a similar question recently. That is OK, I completely understand. This is a difficult time for all of you. I see your mother has only been in a nursing home for a year. After being a caregiver for so long, I suspect you all are still getting used to the fact that she is there.
What a monumental feat it must have been to be able to keep her in her own home for all those years! Congratulations to you all and to your mother! I can only imagine as my parents qualified for a nursing home while in their late 70’s, though we managed to keep them home for 7 or 8 years more.
I used to mourn the fact that other people had still vibrant parents in their 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. I had to get over that and accept what was.
I agree with other posters about not telling her. We recently had an estate sale of my parents’ house contents and sold the house. The money will be used for their care in a nursing home where they share a room. I think my father has an idea of what has happened and why, but my mother still operates under the delusion that she can return home and take care of them both. The other day she asked my older brother to take her out to see the house (which he didn’t do). She may understand more than we think. In any case, we just deflect any questions she has about the house. We have tried to make their room as homey as we could, but we all are still getting used to the situation.
You mention guilt. It seems that guilt is a common emotion in the caregiving journey as we try to buttress up a life that is becoming more and more debilitating. I remember feeling guilt even when they still lived at home and we were all scrambling to cover shifts caring for two people who needed 24/7 care in a house that was aging as well. On this side of it all, I am coming to realize that some of what I understood as guilt was actually regret, but it was regret over a lot of things that I had no power to change.
Yes, I can see how your mother gets some consolation in knowing she still has her home, that it gives her a sense of independence and control to imagine that she could return, but of course it is a delusion. I think we all suffer from the delusion that our houses and belongings can give us security. I see no harm in letting her maintain the delusion, especially when you are dealing with someone with dementia or other mental diminished capacity. For now, that is our plan.
There is nothing to be gained from upsetting this lady about her house. A little fibbing will save her lots of stress over the house.
I’ve been finessing my folks care for the last couple of years with therapeutic fibs. There’s no shame in a little fib or withheld info to keep folks calm and happy. I’m in the process of selling the house currently but all they know is I’m taking care of it.
As to how to get your sibs on board, I don’t know. It just seems like common sense to me to keep the waters calm.