We went to THERAPHY once because she didn’t want to go again she remembers me screaming at her and her being afraid to leave the room she was 12 days I never abused her physically I don’t understand yes I was frustrated like any parent I tried time out etc I am really sad because this came out of nowhere when I stop giving her money she is 34 and married I feel that she doesn’t like me it’s been going on for 2 decades I am a mess it affects my life I am so sad everyday I have tried everything I spoiled her I know I did I tried forcing her to tell me why she behaves this way. The way she looks at me. She is my only child I pray so much. I don’t understand I have tried talking she doesn’t say anything. She was always upset w my close relationship w my siblings.. but we are not that close anymore because i sometimes stay away to please my child. I don’t know what to do…. I’m going to let her live her life I don’t know what to do if I don’t call her she won’t call me it can be two weeks she just doesn’t care
I'm an only child to a single Mom. She never dated, didn't have any friends besides her sisters and me. It burdened me that my Mom treated me like a spouse and lived vicariously through me.
Yes, please let your daughter lead her life and you live yours. BTW, she is already leading her life -- she doesn't need your permission to do that. What she's doing with you is defending a boundary. That's why she's not calling you. Stop clinging to her. You're the one that needs to move on.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.
I grew up in a house where my mother was constantly screaming.... at her mother, me, life....the atmosphere was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. I grew to dislike my mother as a result of my wretched childhood, and all she'd put me thru. In fact, I used to beg her to beat me up to get the mental torture OVER WITH. I was an only child too.
Until her dying day, my mother thought she was a Great Mother and that I was The Bad Guy. She never once in her life pointed her finger INWARD to ask HERSELF why all "that frustration" she felt as a parent ruined MY life.
Giving her money was probably the only reason she allowed a relationship. No money no relationship. One thing I was told in family therapy is you have to acknowlege the other persons feelings. No "that is not how it happened". The child saw it a different way and you need to apologize even if you don't agree with it. If your going to fix this relationship you need to admit your at fault. This relationship is going to take a while to heal. You can't come across needy. You both will need to set boundaries. You do not jump everytime she wants something from you. Same with her, she does not jump either. I told my daughter long ago, I have no problem taking care of her boys but if I have made plans, they become before babysitting, By trying to please your child, you have no life. Get back in touch with your siblings and friends. Your daughter should not be the center of your world and you should not expect to be the center of hers. And don't make plans for your old age thinking daughter will be your Caregiver. Plan ahead.
If she does not want you in her life, that is her choice to make. You say it came on suddenly but also that it has been going on for 2 decades. 20 years!? The rant of your post gives a little insight into what she may experience..
My father would have said the same things about me, never physically abused me(true, the abuse was never physical) and that he spoiled me (definitely not true)
Move on and focus on your life. Find a way to be healthy mentally and physically and maybe in time, your daughter will choose to seek a relationship on her terms. And yes, let her live her life! You can too!! Spending time wishing for someone else to feel differently is wasting precious time that you could be using to find your own happiness
Leave your daughter alone and let her live her life and you live yours. Continue with the therapy to get to the root cause of your behaviors and the expectations you have of your daughter.
You are causing yourself WAY too much stress and grief over something you have absolutely no control over. The only person you can control is yourself. Period. End of sentence.
So quit being so dependent on your daughter for your happiness in this life, and get out there and start finding things that you enjoy doing. Like going to lunch with friends, going to church, volunteering at the multitude of places needing volunteers, or getting a job.
God did not give us this ONE life to spend it being miserable, but He gave it to us to enjoy and to be the hands and feet of His Son Jesus.
So get out there and start acting like you're one of God's children instead of moping around every day and wasting your God given gift of life.
Oh and P.S......quit trying to buy your daughters love by giving her money. How's that working for you?
Just imagine a child being so petrified of her mother that she wouldn't leave her bedroom for 12 whole days. That in itself speaks volumes. But you went right over that and onto how this is affecting YOU. And that's just what you heard from one therapy session with her...just imagine if there were more sessions what would have surfaced. So, obviously your daughter was afraid of you - afraid of your actions - and sounded traumatized from that one ordeal....and there's usually a build-up.
The rest of your post sounded as if you're seeing yourself as a "victim." Ugh. You're not a victim - but it would be wise for you to take yourself out of yourself and look inward - you need to have some accountability about how you really were as a mother and how you treated her - because these memories linger for a child, and actually she owes you nothing as an adult.
For now, you actually should do as you stated - "let her live her own life" - remain close to your siblings rather than expect your daughter to take care of you later in life.
If you'd ever want a relationship with your daughter later, you need to take some ownership on your own actions - it'd be productive to talk it thru with a therapist...and showing some remorse for your actions to your daughter may be a start. But all that is in time - for now, you should just focus on yourself.
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