My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
I guess it IS possible that Max's mom is like Tony Soprano's mom and has minions who are not "just" flying monkeys, but really dangerous folks.
BUT since all of the sacrifice of time, money and health has been by the OP, I am inclined to encourage her to learn to set some firm boundaries.
hug!! i wonder if your mother (like many abusive, screaming, dominator-ruler-wannabe, tyrant mothers), retaliates if you don't do what she ORDERS you to do?
if you fear her screaming, it's probably not just the screaming you fear. anyone can walk away from someone screaming. the trouble is, what are the consequences?
a lot of these abusive people have all sorts of strings they can pull on, and if you don't do as they want, they'll REALLY retaliate. i'm guessing your mother doesn't just scream, otherwise you would have done all that a long time ago: (1) walk out the room when she screams, (2) pay no attention to the screaming, (3) don't reward the screaming, etc., etc.
if it were so easy, you would have done it.
so the story is probably more complicated. maybe there are all sorts of consequences if you don't do as your mother commands.
If Max and her husband are paying the parents' mortgage then they have no way to retaliate. And if she walked away right now today APS would place two elderly and vulnerable adults (her parents) because they cannot function without a 24-hour caregiver slave. So really, there won't be any retaliation.
If they make threats that's what the police are for.
Max doesn't leave because she doesn't want to leave. For all of her complaining, venting, and lamenting she enjoys the drama and the martyrdom on enough of a level that it keeps her there.
She's exactly where she wants to be.
We ALL want to please our moms and we all love our moms. I certainly did both of these things.
But the thing is, when your health is at stake (and yours is--you HAVE to go back and make sure that your cancer is still in remission, yet?) and when you find that you can't even start to think about retirement because your mom is throwing tantrums and demanding that you become her personal hands on caregiver when there are PLENTY of other folks who can do that--you have to start wondering if YOUR life EVER comes first, ya know?
Most parents bend over backwards to make sure that their kids' lives are better than their own. That they get the education, the emotional and medical support they need to start on the path to a productive life of giving back to their community and the next generation.
The work that a parent puts into a child gets paid forward, in my world view, not back to the parent (your mom might disagree with this).
I'm truly sorry that you're so "stuck" on making sure that your mom doesn't get upset at you. It must be an awful place to be.
Does your dad understand?
She has justified, excused and made her mthrs behavior acceptable for 63 years.
Pretty hard to admit this and many never do. Sadly!
I'm curious; did she give into YOUR every whim and tantrum as a child?
Wishing you well in your journey.
Why do you worry so much about what your parents think. That was OK as a child but you are now an adult on the verge of retiring. Your going to Europe alone because they can no longer travel, Mom needs too much help. And who would be providing that help. How can it be a vacation when you have to take care of someone the whole time. You tell Mom your going to Europe the day before you leave. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO HAVE A VACATION ALONE WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Call it a second honeymoon.
I really think u and DH should stay in a motel on Friday night. Say ur goodbyes then. Saturday you and DH have a nice breakfast together and home you go. Seems your Dad is very capable of caring for Mom. That is his job. Just like your job is being there for your husband. When Mom asks you when your coming back, say you have no idea. You have already given her over 2 months of your life.
You put too much stress on yourself. You have already had a serious health episode. Stress is not good for cancer. I would think this scare would have made you realize that you need to live your life for you. You and DH should make memories together. Your going into a new phase in you life. You have given enough of your life to your parents. Your Mom should be praising God that she still has a daughter. Maybe that is what you need to tell her. "Mom having cancer made me realize I have given too much of my life to you. So now DH is retiring, we will be doing a lot more just us"
When she asks about Dads birthday, just say after spending over 2 months with them, u can't possibly come back in less than a month. Maybe have a birthday party Friday with cake. You seem to worry about her reactions. So she gets upset, that is not your fault.
When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get. You are not responsible for how your Mom eats. She knows she isn't suppose to have salt but she eats it. Thats between her, Dad and her doctor. When your all packed up and ready to leave you give them both a hug and a kiss on the cheek and tell them you will see them when u see them.
My MIL chose to live in Fla at 68 yrs old. It was a 16 hr drive for us. We had two kids. One 11 the other 3. You know how much we went down, 1x a year until we retired. Then it was 2x a year. Once around Summer the other Thanksgiving. I spent Christmas with my girls and grands.
I know someone who struggles with constant worry and I limit my time around her because I feel so drained after being with her.
When I tell her that she has to stop worrying excessively over trivial issues, she says that she has been this way all of her life.
I have found that 99 percent of the things that most people worry about never even come to pass. Some people have huge issues with anxiety. It’s sad.
My father would say the same thing if I went on vacation "who is going to take care of me" (this was when he was capable of living on his own). I told him that was his responsibility to figure out. I wasn't his caretaker, I was his daughter who helped him out because he didn't drive. It was not my job to find him another daughter to fill in for me.
"Mom, Dad, we are very excited. We are going to retire to Europe next year".
Mom: "What about us, What are your plans for us? Your just going to abandon us, aren't you. (weeping ensues).
"Mom, you and dad are going to hire a geriatric care manager who will find you a nice retirement community so you can have a life separate from ours."
(mom weeps and throws a tantrum)
You continue packing.
DON'T respond to this balderdash. Enough is enough.
You sound childish (to your own ears) because your mom never encouraged you to live your own life. She kept you tied to her so she could be guaranteed HER freedom. She is a supremely selfish person.
At least that's how it sounds to me, despite your telling us how wonderful she is.
Oh my gosh, no one on this wide green earth has ever had a ‘perfect’ family 100 percent of the time.
When we see others who appear to have great lives, we have no idea what they have endured behind closed doors.
I have a couple of friends that have spent time at a women’s shelter for months after being in abusive relationships. Ha! They were both married to very successful men that abused them horribly.
No one would ever suspect this if they saw them now. My point is that we all have our own stories to tell.
WHEN she becomes upset, LEAVE the premises.
Let her understand by your ACTIONS (not your words) that you will not continue to be her slave.
If you give in every time she gets upset, you are TELLING her that getting upset works as a tool of manipulation.
Do you give your dog food every time he yaps? No, of course not.
STOP reinforcing her bad behavior.
Stop kowtowing to her demands.
Say "NO" and mean it. The way you mean it is by leaving.
PLEASE consider getting a hotel room.
As for you’re going to Europe, you buy your tickets, pack your bags, say goodbye with a huge smile 😃 on your face and then fly off into the wild, blue yonder! Simple! That is a no brainer!
Everyone should have problems this easy to fix. Do you even realize how fortunate you are to be able to retire comfortably in Europe?
Max,
Start being extra grateful for what you do have in your life. You have so much to look forward to.
Don’t take your health for granted. Your health is everything!
Live YOUR best life with your husband. Forget about what went wrong up to now. Everyone that is breathing has had their share of problems in their lives. You don’t have to be stuck in misery.
Learn to place everything in the proper perspective. Let the past go. It’s over. Stop holding on. You’re not being brave or even doing the right thing by continuing to hold on. It didn’t work years ago and it isn’t working now, nor will it ever work. So. once and for all, let go and enjoy your life.
One thing that my therapist said to me was that I had more years behind me than ahead, so stop wasting time. He was right! You have wasted a ton of time and money. Put an end to it and send us all photos of your favorite places in Europe!
So what?
Just say "No, I can't possibly do that".
If your mom wants her furniture rearranged, she can hire someone to do that. It's NOT in your job description.
AND then take your dog for a lllllllonnnnggggg walk.
Have you considered getting a hotel room for the next few days? That's what I would do.
No one here is going to say "at least you have your mom". That's not who we are. We love our parents, but many of us have parents who taught us how to say "no", how to protect out mental and physical health.
Yours didn't.
You will need to get used to her being mad at you, or weeping or unhappy in some way. That takes some emotional detaching. Doesn't mean you are hard or don't care for her, but that you are not going to be FOG-ed (fear, obligation or guilt) into being her servant. You are her child - not her servant. In healthy families a child is encouraged to leave the nest and build their own life. You have that right and that responsibility to yourself.
Move to the centre of the triangle.
The three corners contain patterns of behaviour: Swooper (Fixer), Victim & Persecuter.
When you feel charged to react, magnetised, pulled into one of the corners - resist!
Stay neutral in the centre.
Be like Switzerland.
When Mom takes the Victim role, says poor me, you're leaving etc.. she wants you to take the Fixer role. To stay & fix her problems.
When Mom says you don't care about me, your husband is mean etc she has taken the Victim role again. This time making you/husband out to be Persecutors.
It's a merry dance of communication. Around the triangle it goes, like magnets pushing each other.
The way to stop being controlled like this, to be pushed around like a magnet, is to move to the centre.
Be neutral. Dis-engage.
It takes practice.
(I am still leaning).
She has outlived two of her kids. She does live in a senior apartment building, not assisted living, still cooking and cleaning. No walker or cane. Exercises with her group of friends, then goes out for lunch too.
She still attends Mass and helps the other “old people” in her apartment building out when they need assistance!
She will speak about what she plans to do next year! LOL 😆
I have never once heard her say, “Lord willing, blah, blah, blah.”
She bakes fruit cakes just like my great aunts did to give away for the holidays. Let me tell you, I think she is adding more rum each year to her recipe!
Some people are young at heart!
My therapist had me role play if I became nervous about certain situations.
If you want to practice with any of us, we can do that.
I was super fortunate to have a great therapist who didn’t let me off the hook when I would get sidetracked.
You know, for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, the abnormal behavior became our normal. So, it’s not unusual to have to practice what is normal behavior as long as it takes for it to feel correct to us.
We process at our own pace, due to our own individual circumstances. Some people may move along a bit faster but they shouldn’t make those who have moved a bit slower feel badly. What does that accomplish other than making a person feel crappier than they already do.
So, I hope that you know that you have many who support you. Forget about any harsher criticism if it is overwhelming for you. Know that everyone does care about your success and each person expresses their views in their own way.
Wishing you all the best.
It is her choice as to what she eats. If she chooses to eat things that are not good for her, she will suffer the consequences. She knows that. You don't have to say anything at all. Don't let her use this to manipulate you.
If you have decided to stay longer with her in the past because she is not looking after herself you have allowed her to control you. But you can't, in fact, control her can you?
This is about saying "No" to being manipulated and controlled by your mother.
Go home and get on with your own life no matter what she says or does. She has choices and so do you.
Truthfully I don't think most of us care what your mother has said or done. her behaviour and your behaviour are not tied together. You are not Siamese twins. But how you feel about what she says is another matter.
What we care about is you and you making healthier choices for yourself. You have come here looking for support and advice. We are concerned for you primarily. Help from AL or agencies is available for your mum.
I get that your mother saying you don't care for her isn't easy to hear. How does that tie in with her saying you are the best daughter? She uses whatever words she thinks will get you to do what she wants you to do. Don't you see that?
I think you do care for her, but you also care for yourself or you wouldn't be here. So don't engage in any more backbiting. It's not good for either of you. You don't have to justify your decisions. You can disengage/ignore/walk away from whatever she is saying. You are going home on Jan 28. End of story. It really doesn't matter what she says or does. You have made your decision. She doesn't have to like her. That's OK that's her.
I think you experience a lot of anxiety related to your mother. You were brought up to never say "No" to her. I expect you weren't allowed to express anger either. But you are an adult now. What harmed you as a child is not your fault, but your healing as an adult is your responsibility.
Learning to disengage from your mother so she is no more the center of your universe is part of your healing. So is saying "No" and refusing to be drawn into or initiate these discussions. Change the subject, talk about something neutral. Give up trying to change your mother or get her approval. The only person you can change is yourself.
(((((Hugs)))) and prayers for you.
Max - Just read your post - not surprised she can manage by herself. She has been manipulating you.
Barb - swooping - great description
Your dad sounds like he is on board with your plan. He’s seems to be supportive of you.
I am sorry about your headaches returning. It will be wonderful to sleep in your own bed when you return home.
Keep reminding yourself that it doesn’t matter what she says or feels. That’s your mom just being your mom, right? Why would you expect anything differently from her at this point in her life? She’s set in her ways.
Here's the thing. Swooping leads to resentment. It disables the person you are "helping" because it robs them of autonomy, free choice and the ability to learn problem solving skills for themselves.
You can't be responsible another person's happiness. You can't care more about their health than they do.
Your parents have made some pretty awful choices in their lives; from what you've written, they have never endured any of the consequences because you've swooped in and saved them every time.
Has that worked out for you?
Your dad sounds mentally okay, yes? Give him the names of some Home Health agencies to call to set up services. Take a look at some ALs on your own so you can help your parents choose where to go for rehab when the next crisis occurs.
Keep in touch by phone and when the next crisis happens, DO NOT get on a plane. Call the hospital and talk to Discharge Planning on Day One. Your mantra should be "my mother is no longer safe at home".
She loved the good looking PT who played Sinatra for her to exercise to. She had success with the OT as well.
She enjoyed visiting with the aides and nurses. I felt that it was mentally stimulating as much as it was physically enriching for her.
It doesn’t really matter what your mom has to say about this or that situation.
Don’t aggravate yourself with thoughts of what your mom may or may not say to you.
It is senseless to worry about something that hasn’t happened or may not happen.
Spend your time wisely by focusing on having everything ready for you to leave on schedule. Don’t procrastinate. Don’t delay. It’s time to go back home.
Are you concerned that your mom won’t be understanding about you going back home?
Even if she is unpleasant, you can’t stop her from feeling as she does. Allow her to feel however she wants to even though it may make you uncomfortable. Don’t argue with her. You aren’t going to change her mind. Say goodbye, and leave.
Children have been doing the opposite of what their parents have desired since the beginning of time. Why should you break this trend? 😊
This is not about what snappy comeback to make to your mom.
This is about you becoming single minded in your effort to DISENGAGE from "discussions".
The only way to not get manipulated by your mother is to disengage. Stop responding to her provocations.
She is an adult. You are an adult.
You are two separate people. How she eats is no concern of yours and should have no bearing on your coming and going.
If mom needs supervision of her food intake, someone to prepare healthy meals for her and someone to wipe her, there are loads of good ALs in Florida. There are also numerous home health care agencies.
This simply is NOT your job.
You are returning home on January 28th. No further conversation about that.
If she ever had the ability to accept “No.” for an answer, it may be gone now, lost to mental illness and/or cognitive decline.
So she gets to make bad choices for herself, but not for her daughter, who should go home on time, offer assistance with sourcing professional care in her periodic phone calls, and prepare to insist on a needs assessment and safe discharge if/when the fluid retention leads to an ER visit and hospitalization for shortness of breath.
When Mom asks when you coming back say at this point say you have no idea. If she pushes it say "Mom give me a break. I have been here for two months. Give me a chance to get used to being home and dealing with Doctors before asking that question." Then when you get home and she asks say "Mom I cannot answer that but when I decide I am coming a certain time, then I will call u"
Do not tell her you won't be coming for Dads birthday now. Wait till u get home and tell her in one of your ph calls but not the one you make to tell her ur home. When u tell her just say "sorry, no. After 2 months staying with you, I have too much to catch up on."
Really, the 23rd is only about 3 weeks after you left.
This.
This is the opportunity to start CHANGING the communication style right here.
Do NOT tell her.
Unless you can be bold & tell her plain.
Either way, short confident answers work well.
Long waffling, wavering worries just invite trouble.
Like poking a wasp nest. Wasps come out.
I also had concerns that mom's "wiping" wasn't sufficient. I bought few gadgets to help, none did. Until
the bidet! It was less than $50 and after some fun, thoughtful, careful, introduction, it's been great. Specifically designed for women, but everyone can use, cleans front and "back"! My mom also struggles with mobility and weight so had to tweak things just a little for access to controls but it was no problem. With a little practice and humor this wonderful invention helped!
They seem "scary" at first but I assure you after 2,3 times you wonder how you did without and if we lived in a European country we probably would've grown up with one.
So that's my advise, I sincerely hope it helps you or someone else. We need all the help and successes we can get.
Btw, I got it on Amazon and got one for myself!
Much love, peace & support,
Carol's youngest, Lisa ♥
Have you got your doctor's appointment set up?