Our marriage hasn't been good for decades. I can't say I didn't love my husband at one time because I did but that was decades ago. He was controlling, mentally abusive and cold back then.
When my husband was diagnosed with dementia in 2017 I wanted to keep him home with me to care for him. However he's been so mean, sarcastic and hurtful. He's just plain nasty. He's always been a very cold person. He drives everyone that loves me away. If I take a walk he questions me where I've been. His dementia started in 2013 but has progressed. When I ask whether he loves me or not he says yes. I feel nothing. Out of respect for the 50 years together I wanted to make sure he's taken care of with respect and love, hopefully under my watch. It's getting impossible.
He's 79 and I'm 68. He's been professionally diagnosed by a neurologist. He is on meds. He no longer showers, changes his clothes, has delusions, and is paranoid. He now is lying as well. He refuses to acknowledge he has dementia, rather he says he had a stroke which is true. He had 2 mini strokes. I literally am alone with him 24/7. I wait on him hand and foot.
I'm tired, feel unloved, used and abused. I'm done. I want to find some happiness before I die. I've never seen anything like my situation on this site. Is there anyone else out there in my situation? Am I a monster? Can I still care for him even though I want my freedom? Help me please.
Keep the faith
You are in a different space as is your husband.
Look at your options regarding separating (at least physically if not legally) and make decisions from there. Once you are no longer overwhelmed and burdened by the daily care, responsibilities and abuse, it will be easier to make decisions from a clearer and more mindful space.
I wish you ease through this part of your journey... NO JUDGMENTS whatever you decide to do... Please just ensure that your decisions are for the greater good ... that your husband receives the care he needs and you live the life you need and deserve... and we breathe...
(comic relief - and true!)
I agree that placing her husband is the best way to go, but it doesn't have to be done with anger, or animosity, but with the belief that it is all for the greater good.
Guilt is not necessary, though I am certain there will be feelings of guilt no matter the decision...
Self-Care, self-respect, self-compassion is an imperative part of caregiving.
It sounds to me like yatzeedog has had years of guilt through emotional and mental abuse... It is probably past time that she take stock of her needs and feelings and address them in a compassionate and empowering way.
I married for better or worse, in sickness or health. This is the worse, this is the sickness. Everyone is different, but he sounds like he needs a higher level of care than what you can give. In his world he may not even realize the change.
Hugs 🤗 hugs 🤗 hugs 🤗
My mother would not sign anything so I am stuck with a lot of no-win situations and siblings on my back.
As for divorce, again a lawyer can guide you. But, if you can, try getting an aide in for a few hours. Being able to leave the house and knowing he is ok might help. Some agencies send aides who can do some light housework.
As others have said, a divorce leaves him free to remarry, and that person might suck him dry. After your experience, you deserve some comfort.
It is a hard road. Good luck.
I have been caring for her since 2006. 13 years. I am 68 now.
There are resources, depending on your state program.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q0V7xuz1f0
If he is able to leave the house, adult day care could be considered as a start.
Prayers to you for finding relief and comfort.
The very worst thing is his being nasty
if he was like this before the dementia will only make it worse. I finally TOLD my doctor that I wanted to put him on an antipsychotic med. he did and immediately things got better. It is still a lot of work and very lonely but his temperament is good. A lot of doctors will say these meds could cause problems but I believe in quality of life
both his and mine are much better now
blessings to you
You would probably be happier if your husband were not in the house at all, but I don't know if you can force placement in a facility. If you hired home care, you would still be subjected to your husband's unpleasantness when you were home.
Do you have the resources to rent an apartment for one of you so you didn't have to share the living space? Would your husband's personality run off a lot of hired care givers?
You have shared a desperation felt by many. Good for you for initiating the conversation.
I don't think you should care for your husband at home anymore. It is not about your physical ability to care; its about your mental and emotional health in caring for a very abusive personality. With dementia, the paranoia gets worse and the "social filters" on speech are removed. If he is so verbally negative, it may be hard to find home health aides to care for him in the home and give you a break. The verbal abuse will not go away but only get worse. It seems he needs care in either an assisted living facility or memory care unit. Both are rather expensive, but medicare and medicaid might help pay for them. Ask the elder lawyer about this.
Ask both lawyers what would happen to your husband should you divorce him and take half the assets from your marriage. - that is all you can expect financially. If you leave the marriage, you also do not have the right to decide on his care. Do you have children from this marriage that can assume responsibility for decisions on their dad's care? They should be brought in on the discussions of his care as well - if you decide to leave. If not, he will probably have a legal guardian appointed if you divorce and this person will decide on his care.
Another alternative is put in him psychiatric care -- if you feel he is a danger to himself or others you can get him Baker Acted and they could put rearrange his medications. There is a possible chance his behavior may alter for the better. I said a chance. No guarantees. The biggest plus are SOCIAL WORKERS in the hospital.
giving some care alongside trained professionals. You MUST take care of yourself first. Best of luck...