My mom has dementia, diagnosed in early 2019. She's at a stage where I see both confusion/memory loss/decreasing executive functioning and increasing needs. At the same time, there are other times when she seems to have clarity and seems more capable. And she STILL lies, manipulates and belittles me. Her lifelong personality is still 100% there.
I've gotten better with boundaries, although I still need more work. What I really want to figure out how to do is to protect myself emotionally from her. Even when she is not in my presence, I feel myself holding grudges and being angry-- that is what I want to stop. I don't get why I can't just let it go?
There are so many examples, but I'll give a recent one to put this in context, because it's not really a big thing, and something I feel I should have been able to brush off quickly. But a day later and I'm still resentful.
My mom needs to see an ophthalmologist because at a recent optometrist exam for new reading glasses the exam showed (blood?) spots behind her retina. Her primary care made a referral and yesterday I called to make an appointment.
Got the appointment made for 10:00 AM next Wed, but I did not have her insurance info so I said I would call back with the info. I called my mom to let her know about the appointment- and that I needed her insurance info. She told me to come over and get her insurance cards. I said I would be over a little later, and she says in a cutting tone- YOU ARE SO LAZY!
I immediately said- I'm not lazy, I'm not dressed, then I said YOU bring them over to me! She laughed like I was being the @%^-hole and said she would. I live like 200 feet away. She came over and gave them to me, looked at my clothes and said sarcastically- You look nice. I responded these are my cleaning clothes.
How does one call someone lazy when they are literally in the middle of doing a favor for THEM?? It will also be necessary for me to drive her to this appointment. Then the dig about my clothes? Why does she cut me down like this? I can't fathom saying those things to my son, ever.
I swear if there was a surgical brain procedure that could sever the area of my brain that reacts to her I would get it. Since that's not possible, what can I do to prevent getting so triggered?
hopeless situation. May God bless you and give you strength throughout your transformation🙏
I had an extremely abusive mother physically and mentally. She was hell to live with. She was mentally- ill bipolar diagnosis before I was born. I felt sorry for her because she was so tormented. As a child I took care of her as best I could. There wasn't much I could do. She used me for a companion sometimes because she had no friends. Those were the better times but didn't last long. At 17 I left because she was too dangerous toward me. I never went back. I have PTSD from my childhood but now less nightmares than I used to have. Many years have passed and I worked hard to make a good life for myself and I did. I would not let her ruin my entire life. She was more extreme than most of these mothers so that made it easy for me to leave. Besides she kept telling me to get out of "her house" and locking me out. I am glad I left and I am glad that I never became a mean hateful person. I don't want to go on about myself so much and I wish you the best to break the hold she has on you. She has harmed you in ways you might not be aware. Please never take abuse from people. Get away from them! Make yourself happy. Love yourself.l
This is a mental game.. I suggest reading a book by DR Amen about your brain. He has some great mental exersizes in his books to overcome these things.
It is important to focus on what is important and what is yor mission here. Is your mission to let your Mother get to you or to help her?
Also keep telling yourself it is not personal she would be doing this to anyone in your place.
Also hold her accountable as much as you can.
Discuss with your clergy and or a thereapist to get support.
BUT you need to start facing the truth. This WILL NOT get better. This is not a short term thing she will get over, then back to normal. If you are not mapping out a plan of how and when to move her to outside care your setting yourself up for bigger problems. If you have no plan and suddenly one day you just break, you cant take it anymore then it gets really difficult.
About your son...
I think it is important to learn from this. Start planning to put yourself in a position to NEVER have this dependancy on your children. WE are living longer and longer. We will become a HUGE burden on our children if we duplicate what our parents have done.
I made it clear to my children under NO circumstances am I going to put this kind of burden on them. BUT this takes planning.
Now I watched her torture her daughter like this. Just like your mom. Here’s the problem. You are still that little girl inside and you want your mother’s love and approval!!! THAT’S why you’re so emotionally triggered. No matter what your adult brain says, there’s that emotional little girl deep inside that wants to be loved and accepted by her mother. I have this emotional problem with my dad who pretty much abandoned me. Unless you can heal the little girl inside YOURSELF, or your mother changes her ways with the dementia so she doesn’t trigger you anymore, you will just have to take many deep breaths and hang on. Lots of therapy might help, but I know neither of us has time for that process. So try to remind yourself that SHE has the mental problem, and you need to realize that and let her issues not be your issues.
Prayers for you!
"I don't get on the stage".
Oh I like this! It is genius.
That 'awful' scan I MADE her have (the Doc asked for). Countless examples...
The 'yucky' dental x-ray I MADE her have (Dentist needed) was the crunch. Hot day & refused to walk the 10 steps to the car, insisted I drove to the door - but was no room for the car. So half collapsed & somehow I got her in my car. Was so frazzled I reversed into a car (beautiful new sports car) 😬.
I realised I couldn't continue like this. Also that what I was calling resentment was anger. I wondered if the anger was trying to wake me up - to take action.
It worked (eventually). I quit.
Her appointments are her own to arrange now. By taxi or with home care Aides. She still lives her *semi-independence* life but I don't prop it up in any way.
So that's how I delt with it. I let go.
Daughter: "Mom, can you come and flea treat the cats with me"
Me: "Oh, Hon, sorry, I can't. I just have too much on the plate"
Her: (indignant) "Well! So I guess you have too much to help your daughter. I called you because you are the ONLY ONE who is capable of helping with this!"
Me: "I'm so sorry. Guess what I am telling you now is that I am NOT capable of handling it. Good luck."
Eventually they get it. They aren't going to get an argument. They are just not going to get the response they want. And their own brain gives another path a try.
It is simple recognition (and you GOT THAT!) and then action (you can do this).
Hopefully your suggestion will work. Sometimes nothing worked with my mom. She has no dementia.
Mom had a mean streak at times, was a perfectionist and could be stubborn as a mule when she desired but was sharp as a tack according to her neurologist.
It is truly exasperating and exhausting to deal with these situations. I can empathize with the OP.
I absolutely love your sound advice.
Just thinking about your line about being a brain surgeon. Hahaha, I bet a lot of people feel as you do.
It’s impossible not to be frustrated because of your close living quarters. It’s totally different for someone who doesn’t live near their parent and experience the day in and day out torture.
Naturally a person won’t get as frustrated if they only see their parent once or twice a year.
I find it’s when the stress becomes chronic from frequent visits or living with their parents that it escalates into being unbearable to cope with.
I’m glad that you are setting boundaries. That helps. Overbearing behavior is so annoying. It’s a personality trait. Short of your fantasy of performing the lobotomy on your mom, I have no idea what the answer is other than therapy for you to learn coping techniques.
Honestly, I feel after years of dealing with tough situations we sort of become desensitized to it. One day you may find yourself numb to it all.
It’s tempting to be sarcastic and suggest the following listed below:
Wear earplugs
Skip town
Tell her that you have made an appointment with a brain surgeon for her to fine tune her personality!
I apologize for my sarcasm. I realize it’s a real problem and it’s driving you crazy.
So sorry that you have this aggravation in your life. Best wishes to you.
"God! What a cow!"
[you have to do the accent yourself, you understand]
and I have felt so much better about it ever since. It's not me being pathetic. It's my sister being a b!tch.
It's not your reaction. It's your mother's being a... well. Supply your own word for it.
Also. I have to point out. How can someone who can't be arsed to pick up a card and read it over the phone, call the other person lazy for not coming round to her house?
Buy her a magnifying glass. Then she can make her own dam' eye appointments.
You need to share this answer with anyone suffering with these struggles.
Once my therapist told me that my mom was great at manipulation and was a burden for me to cope with.
I was upset that he said that at first, until I realized he was speaking the truth. That’s when my perspective started to change on my situation.
Again, this is a fabulous response to this question.