This is a tough one! I would not have my mom living with me. I would have insisted that she not waste her money by helping useless brothers who never did a good job managing money. That money would have paid for assisted living.
I would not do it again. I do love mom but this damaged our relationship. It puts a huge strain on a parent/child relationship. It’s too much pressure on the caregiver. It’s too hard for the parent to allow the child to have the upper hand. From what I have seen many times over, parents don’t want children telling them what to do, even if it is for their benefit.
In these situations, I would highly recommend people make their own health (exercise, meditate, move, dance) and eat a healthy diet A PRIORITY.
And get in group or individual therapy as necessary.
Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
* Many adult children want to do the best for their aging parent in need. Guilt may play a part. Many do not know what is potentially involved so in retrospect, perhaps many would not do it.
* But once the decision has been made, and perhaps an adult child is doing their best, is stressed out, and resents their initial decision, why consider what you would have done.
* So many of us would have made different decisions over our life-time if we could have done it over again, whether we are caring for an aging parent or not.
* I do think this discussion may help those who are considering what to do.
I hope they read these comments to help them make a careful, considered decision.
* I do believe many people do not know how to set boundaries, have emotional and psychological ties/relationships with parents that may be extremely stressful in this somewhat 'role reversal' -
* Many people do not know how to deal with dementia until it is thrust upon them and sometimes very quickly. It is not easy to deal with no matter how much training / education a person has. And adult children of dementia inflicted usually have NO education in this area - and learn 'on the job' as best they can.
* In retrospect, I would have married at 18, have kids with who I think was the love of my life, and hopefully by the grace of God still would have become politically progressive. I am very proud of my humanitarian values.
* This is my work. I am helping a friend now (over this month) although I haven't had the experience so many people on this forum have - caring for a parent. I can't imagine how difficult that must be - in so many ways. I only hope that we, collectively, here support you and 'us' in some ways. If I could have, I would have done this work many year sago; it feels very sacred. HOWEVER... I offer care management/direct service, advocacy, coordinating, hiring caregivers, contractors, emptying out 3 bedrm houses, helping with relocation, working with families, and am a certified massage therapist and have clients in their 90s.
I've learned that a DMV ID card can be done through a home visit (for disabled); have learned to manage oxygen needs 24/7, deal with sleep apnea machines, get passports, do all kinds of shopping and research... and on and on. I am currently assisting one client planning her 100th birthday celebration in June.
AND . . . if my own mother had lived beyond age 74, I believe it would have been extremely difficult, if not impossible, for me to work with her as a caregiver. I would have had a breakdown. My work is very different from most caregivers. I love what I do. With that said, I gain a lot of education from reading this site. It feels very helpful and supportive to many. I recommend it often to others.
I shall never know the answer, though I wanted and planned for Mom to live with me. I even asked a carpenter to estimate her needs for a downstairs space, converting the formal dining room for her use. She and I talked about this decision and she agreed about 2009 that when the time came, she would move in. She passed in 2015 in an excellent SNF after three years, children and grandchildren at her side.
I was all unknowing about Medicaid, Medicare and so forth in 2009, and the whole family had planned for a live in caregiver in a room 15 feet away from hers. I sat myself down to think over what it might mean and realized it could spell the end of our good relationship, which would need to change as a matter of necessity. I had done lots of child care but only a little elder care. I wondered if I could stand it because it's a difficult job, and because my disabled spouse lives with me, too. I wondered if I would hate her. Certainly I hope not, but the point is moot.
Don’t think any of us will have all the answers. I keep trying though. We all do. Thanks for responding.
Sorry for your loss.
She even tries to get me to move back to her small town, sell my furniture - like whaaaaat, and get an apartment? I have a home that is paid for and nice furnishings - why the hell would I sell it??? I know when she passes I've done everything humanly possible for that woman and will have nothing to feel guilty about it. If I had to do it all over again...NO! I wish I would have moved far away, away from her prying eyes and emotional abuse and her need to control everything I do. And her poor choices in life dragged mine down. Because I'm soft-hearted and wanted to help her I now know......"NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!" But I see her getting more frail, afraid and lonely. She has lost most of her friends so I will see this through. I'm hoping she will die peacefully in her sleep - because I think having to deal with the nursing home would do me in!
I want peace more than anything. You said so many things that I feel. Thanks for your response. Hugs!
You’re a smart lady! I opened the door to a frustrating situation and you said it, it’s very tough to handle and I love my mom too.
Her doctor enlightened us to the fact that things would progress.
She stayed with us for 3 weeks before behavioral issues set in.
So we had to get her evaluated and permanently placed in memory care. Mom now has advanced dementia alzheimers but healthy.It's been a tough road still, but all is well.
I'm permanent guardian of my mother.
I wouldn't recommend being caregivers for anyone. To move them in your home to live, etc., is simply way too much physically, emotionally. Especially family members. We want to give them the best quality of life possible. It's rare that this can work out by keeping them with us. The task will always be to locate a prime place for them to live where that quality of life is experienced.
Me too. Very emotional time. Katrina hit, 9 feet of water in mom’s home. Home demolished, mom moved in, 14 years now.
After she left I "retired" and tried working from home. Hired a string of caregivers since then. Each had her good points and down sides for various reasons.
Assisted living would deplete mom's finances. Those we saw were not great facilities. Got first hand experience with a nursing home when mom was placed in one for a contagious lung problem. Not great either the most exasperating is the lack of enough staff.
Sometimes its not a choice but a necessity to be the caregiver.
If I had a choice and means would I be the caregiver. NO!
I got furious when my therapist called my mom a burden on me. I was in complete denial. Then it hit me. What he was saying was true. Our lives become hijacked. I love her but I can finally admit that she is a burden.
Neither brother ever offered to help for the 7 years I took care of mom and her large property by myself with a full time job. She or I did not have the money to hire anyone.
After I retired, is when mom’s health started deteriorating and then couldn’t drive. So even more responsibility was put on me for doing her shopping and laundry.
When she started falling, I had to move her in with me and my new husband of only one year. We almost got divorced over it. It was extremely hard. I was angry all the time. I was pissed at my brother. I got upset with my mother.
I finally told my one brother that he was going to start doing his share or some other arrangements were going to happen.
So in exchange for free rent, he and his partner takes care of my mom in her house now and he likes being around his mother. He actually misses her when she has had to go to the hospital.
Bottom line for me was admitting I’m not cut out to be a caregiver for her. I am still involved with her care as far as making decisions and taking her to her many dr appts.
Long answer, maybe, for maximum of six months. In a health crisis only.
Six months is the length of time I moved both parents at different times in my house. Six months was the original plan anyway. Both times, it dragged into years. I live alone and do care giving solo, so time limits are a definite boundary.
I need to get financial issues in place. I really do.
Nevertheless, all situations are different and certainly when there is dementia involved, it is exceedingly difficult. So we each have to honestly assess what is best for all concerned- care giver and care receiver. It will depend on numerous factors and the answer will be different for each circumstance. The most important thing, of course, is that the dependent elder receives the care that he/she needs. This can be accomplished through many means including care by family, in home care, assisted living, adult day care, or long term care facility. There are no right or wrong answers. Every person and situation is unique but whatever the decision, I concur with all the above who advise getting all legal affairs in order, including a will, power of attorney and health care proxy while a parent is still competent. It makes any transition infinitely easier if a parent becomes unable to handle these affairs for his/herself.