I’m venting. If anyone has good advice, I’d love to hear please.
I need to vent. I’m caring for my elderly Mom (87 years old). Dad died 10 years ago. Mom lives at home. She recovered from cancer last year. I helped her for 6 years, through many problems (cancer, etc.). I live next door. She’s now better. (My Mom has no dementia; she’s been verbally abusive to me my whole life).
I’m one of five: 4 brothers. They don’t, didn’t, help. Mom adores her sons; treats me (daughter) like ******.
My Mom and I had an awful conversation today. I explained again how very unfair the situation is: that I alone help with everything. I said I feel the situation should be rectified: I explained how helping thousands of hours of course affects me financially, stress, etc.
My Mom has good morals (despite being cruel to me). She’s good to others; the community, etc.
I know she’s abusive, but I didn’t expect her to want to screw me over.
-She has three houses. Some months ago she promised one house to me. I thanked her, explaining that this also makes things more fair. I became less angry against my 4 brothers.
-Since that promise, she has changed her mind hundreds of times, depending on how verbally abusive she is towards me that day.
-She insulted me all day (nothing new, but the insults are getting worse and worse).
-She said it’s my fault the brothers don’t help with her tax problems, any admin thing, medical emergencies. (I guess it’s nicer for her to say that, than have to deal with the reality that they just don’t want to help). I found it extremely insulting. I gave countless examples that they just don’t want to help.
-I arranged daily caregivers years ago. When the caregiver came today, my Mom fake cried, as if I had treated her badly.
-This morning, she on purpose skipped a medication (I hadn’t realized), so that when the caregiver comes she looks more unhealthy than she is. She has mobility problems: balance. With medication, much better balance.
Besides the insults, and the whole act/fake performance, it really bothers me that she goes back on her house promise daily. It’s cruel.
I never thought she would screw me over.
And for the first time, I feel really, really upset with her. The abuse has always upset me. But trying to turn the caregiver against me, going back on a promise, the insults…
Today was terrible. I feel exploited, used, screwed over. I said that to her. She continued insulting me.
Having good morals means it extends to EVERYONE, not just those she can put on a fake/phony mask with to look good for. Phony baloney do-gooders who pretend to have 'good morals' for the benefit of others and treat their own FAMILY members like dirt are nothing but hypocrites of the highest order and the worst type.
People of high moral character and integrity are 'cruel' to NO ONE. Ever. Under any circumstances.
Your mother is a liar and a phony, holding the promise of a house over your head like a steak in front of a dog's nose. Then pulling it away the moment she feels spiteful, just for the fun of it.
Ain't no house or mansion on earth worth what this woman is charging you for it. The price is WAY too high, my friend.
Step back from the toxic fumes emanating from the house next door and leave the woman to her own devices, with her Golden Boys to help her if & when they choose to, and her caregivers to do the rest.
Once you cut the chains that bind you to her, which is the promise of this house (which I highly doubt will EVER materialize), then you are FREE to live your life as YOU see fit. And be treated with the respect you deserve from people who truly love you. And the self respect that you owe yourself as a child of God.
Best of luck.
Seems to me, and I could be wrong... you are using the "she has good morals" to convince yourself that she really isn't a bad person deep down. It's so hard to admit that the person you thought was good, is actually not. Feels like you've been lied to all this time, you know?
Doesn't matter if she gives money to the poor or is polite to others. This is her facade. And it is VERY common with people like her. They fake it brilliantly for everyone else (for real, some of them could win an Oscar!), but get her alone and the real person comes out. I've come to find many elderly women use the 'sweet old lady' act. Not uncommon for it to fool doctors too. There's tons of people on here who cannot get their parent's doctor to cooperate with assisted living, license revoke, etc. All because the 'sweet old lady' charmed them into thinking their children are just meanies who want her put away. These people are master manipulators.
Mother is mean. She doesn’t have good morals, she ‘show times’ to others and the community for her own benefit, so she looks good. She probably always has.
Have you considered moving away? Changing the locks? Stopping your visits? Not dealing with the carers or their agency? Yes, it's true that you are "exploited, used, screwed over". Venting is good, but acting is better.
If she does not have dementia and can manage ADL's (activities of daily life) then she needs little to no help from you.
If she needs to be reminded to take her medication the caregivers can be instructed to remind her.
If the medication has to be taken before they get there there are alarms that can be set to remind her.
If..scratch that WHEN she becomes abusive simply say "I am no longer going to tolerate that behavior and talk from you, if it continues I will leave" If it continues get up and leave. No good bye, do not finish what you were doing, don't finish the conversation you were having just LEAVE. If it is on a phone call simply hang up. No good bye just hang up.
If you do not expect anything from her you will not be disappointed. So forget inheritance, forget a house those are what is called a Carrot and Stick. I do not think they are worth giving up your self esteem, your mental health for.
She told me to my face, I will leave you nothing as you have enough, everything goes to your brother.
Now for years I was the one who did everything for her, that broke the camels back. Yes, I have enough, however, that made me feel like crap. I was never of any value to her, she just used and abused me.
I stopped talking to her, it has been 10 years, she died that day, I called her and said goodbye.
The happiest times in my adult life have been when I did not speak to her, the previous time it was 9 years and the first time 4 years. I will never speak to her again.
Your mother will never love or respect you, she has showed you who she is believe her.
I am sorry, I understand. Take back your life!
I really never imagined she’s not a good person. Seriously, she has good morals in many, many ways (except for abuse against me), so I never expected she will screw me over. For the first time in fact, I was thinking: she’s not a good person, couldn’t care less how she affects my life…
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