My dad lost his home because he forgot to make his house payments, and because he spent thousands a month on Amazon. He's diabetic and ended up in skilled nursing facility after two surgeries. He has undiagnosed dementia (mid stage). I had no clue how bad it would be and I was a caregiver professionally for 18 yrs. I also did not realize I don't have the right to place him into memory care (which he can afford). Everything triggers him, I mean everything. I ask him what he wants for dinner, I make it and then he gets very angry and says he doesn't want it. He won't let me give him insulin when he's mad and gets mad because I'm controlling his diet. That's not the worst of it. He sleeps maybe 2 or 3 hrs at a time. I'm beyond exhausted. He woke up the other night at 3:30, we are in the same space and he's litterly up 24/7. He turned on the lamp, I asked him to turn it off he wouldn't so I did. I'm agitated already and he turns it back on. I go to unplug it and he kicked me in the stomach. I landed hard on the tile floor on my back. I have serious back problems and I've had surgery. I'm bruised up. He's constantly starting in on me won't stop so then I'm mad. I ask him to stop give me some space he won't. The Dr is no help, she's only treating his diabetes. I told her about the sundowning, the anger, the throwing things at me, the calling me a piece of sh*t and other things. I have his medical directive and am allowed to make medical decisions. She says ok, I'll send him for a brain scan. He lost it saying he isnt crazy and he won't do the scan. I explained no you're not crazy, it's to see if there's anything medically going on. Long story short she tells him ok if you don't want to, you don't have to. I just shook my head and said what about the medical directive? She seems to think he can make his own decisions. Clearly he can't. He was spending so much money on Amazon that I took his debit card and said if you want something, I'll order it for you. We are staying with my son and I was trying to save to get us out. I couldn't, so I ended the spending. I'm not depriving him if he needs something, I buy it. I make sure his bills are paid. That's another thing he didnt pay, his phone bill for three months. I was unaware it was shut off so I had it turned back on he said it was on automatic payment which it was but he kept spending the money before anything got paid. He's a hoarder I'm not living that way. He also started hoarding (another reason I stopped the spending). He's addicted to shopping and gets a rush over opening those boxes. I meet all of his needs, I do everything for him, he wants for nothing. My dad left when I was a kid. He didn't care if I was alive or dead for more than 40 yrs until he needed me. I put that in the past and brought him with me. Now I'm very sleep deprived and sick of him starting in on me everyday. I have to worry about the violence, while I try to find a new Dr. so I can have him deemed unable to make his own decisions. If the adult child can't take care of their parent properly and they need to be placed for their own well being, then why can't it happen? I found him a nice place, expensive because he's insulin dependent, I can't put him there. I shouldn't have to be legally responsible when it's this bad. When he has his calm moments everything is fine, but they aren't very often. In home care isn't the answer, no one would last long. This is probably a bad comparison but he was legally responsible for me and took off. There was no system that cared. I'm the child but I bring him home and now I'm legally responsible? He can't make decisions and yet I'm not allowed to? I don't know what to do.
Then when he is at the hospital , you tell them that there is no one to take care of him . And you do not go pick him up from the hospital . The social worker will say you have to take him home but you don’t . You say it’s an “ unsafe discharge “. Use those words . You tell them no one will be home . Tell them you work even if you don’t .
Let him become a ward of the state and let the social worker in the hospital figure out where to put him .
Frankly , I don’t understand why you took him in to begin with . He didn’t care what happened to you for 40 years .
Get out from under this . Once Dad is out of the house , RUN to a lawyer and give up POA.
My question is WHY??? Why in the world would you put yourself and your son in this position, when you both deserve so much better?
It boggles my mind how many children that were abused in any way by their parents still choose to try and care for them as they age. How's that working for you so far Kimberlyayn?
You are allowing this mentally ill, psychotic man to physically, mentally and verbally abuse you, and again I must ask you WHY???
Do you not realize that you deserve SO much better?
PLEASE stop this craziness! The next time he raises his voice at you or hits you, call 911 and have the police take him to the ER. Tell them that you are not safe around him.
And once at the ER, tell the hospital social worker that your dad CANNOT return back living with you as you DO NOT feel safe and that he is an "unsafe discharge."
The social worker will then have to find placement for your dad, even though they will lie to you about all that they can do for you if you were to take him back. So you'll have to stand your ground and say NO, he CANNOT return.
They will then find the appropriate facility for him.
And then you need to stay away from him for your own mental health's sake and get on with living and enjoying your life, as you owe your dad NOTHING. Period. End of sentence.
My thought is to rephrase this idea. From "I'm not allowed to.." (decide for Dad) to;
I AM ALLOWED to speak up for myself & my needs.
You have the right to be SAFE in your home. Aggression & violence is not ok. It may be triggered by the diabetes not being controlled as best it should? No matter the cause, it is not ok.
If you are unsafe or in danger - call emergency services for immediate help. Ask that he be removed from your home for medical assessment & diabetes control investigation.
Then do not bring him back to your home.
You've accepted responsibility for a person for whom you have no legal responsibility. He is physically violent toward you, and by staying, you are risking that it'll happen again. And believe me, it will. How much is too much violence? If he pushes you, is that too much? If he hits you, is that too much? If he knocks you down and kicks you, is that where you draw the line? How about if he shoots you with a gun?
The correct answer to the question is that ANY violence, even a little push, is too much because it lets them know you will tolerate violent behavior. The next time they go a bit further. Then more and more. THE FIRST INCIDENT IS THE BEGINNING OF WHAT THEY WILL DO NEXT. And do not think the worst won't happen to you.
Video or take pictures of his behavior. Call the police. Go somewhere that he can't find you, block him on your phone, and forget that he exists before you end up dead.
Sorry, OP. You need to stop thinking that you can help this sorry loser. Put yourself first and be safe.
He isn’t. Never was. Never will be.
Stop trying. Your son is learning that it’s okay to abuse women. Because he sees you take the emotional and physical beatings and you stick around for more.
You CAN in good conscience leave him. He had no problem leaving you.
He gets transported to the hospital where you can say that he can not be discharged back home as YOU are unsafe.
YOU are not responsible for him.
If it is determined that he is not cognizant the hospital will have to get permission from a judge to treat him.
Do not accept responsibility for any decisions.
You can get him admitted on a psych hold for the abuse, then you start saying, and never stop, that you can no longer care for him. He is an unsafe discharge and a danger to you. He has no place to go. Unless of course you are enjoying the life you have created for yourself by laying down to be his scratching post, this situation is in your hands completely.
By the way, you are not responsible for him, no matter what kind of dad he was.
Get him out of the house, if not for yourself, then for your son and his family.
I don't have Daddy issues. I don't need his approval or love. I'm very aware I owe him nothing
Got it! I'm the problem!
My 38 yr old grown son is NOT being caused mental health issues!!! but I guess a bunch of strangers would know that and say I dont care!! He knows I'm not a doormat. Because he's in the same field of work I am it was his suggestion we stay with him. Neither one of us knew it would go south.
Yes he was in skilled nursing without a diagnosis. Those places don't diagnosis. He was there after two surgeries from diabetes.
A primary physician HAS to refer to a neurologist for diagnosis, so yes they are needed.
No he was never abusive in the past.
I did NOT take this on out of love, or the need to be loved. I did it out of empthay for another human being. My bad I thought with my experience I could help Not knowing how bad it would become. I have been doing this with him for a short amount of time.
I know I owe him nothing, I did not do this out of obligation. No I'm not doing it because he's my Dad. We are linked biologically doesn't go beyond that!
Yes I have durable Poa and advanced medical directive.
He will be going to my primary who knows I need him medicated and diagnosed. I was told I can't place him against his will. My Dr is aware of what I need done, my point in this is to have him deemed incompetent. Are there any other undiagnosed issues don't know his last Dr decided to do nothing more than treat his diabetes. Which I have gotten under control for the most part. It is very tricky getting someone who is not cooperative.
Now I know there are more opitions that I wasn't aware of I did see the advice also bunch of people coming at me, with a lot of judgment, and criticism. I guess some see that as ok!
Got all of it. System doesn't need to change I do, I'm the problem. I caused this. There was never abuse in the past I'm supposed to be a mind reader and know this would happen.
Your father is not diagnosed. JoAnn is absolutely correct in how to GET him diagnosed. You report the next assault to APS after transporting/getting him transported to the ER. You do not accept him back into the home until a diagnosis is done. You get him placed from the ER with a temporary guardianship Social Services at the hospital can help you to get.
I would not, myself, care for or have much to do with an abusive parent. That person would be on his own. I don't put much stock in blood connection which is purely an accident of biology. You will have to make decisions for yourself. I suggest, once your father is place, that you move out of your son's home and live your own life. You can see what a burden these connections can be.
Stop letting this dirtbag abuse you. No Doctor will put up with him either. Let this ABUSER find his own way and yell and kick at someone else.
Any Judge will give you a restraining order. The next incident could be your own death, This looser is not worth that.
PLEASE LISTEN TO THE WISE ADVICE GIVEN. He has you brainwashed, you must get him out of your life FOREVER.
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