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Dear Alzdone,
Neither of my children will come home to help me with their grandmother (my MIL). It has strained our relationships immensely.
As I learn to forgive them, I'm slowly building new relationships with them. I know they are not cut out to be human caregivers (my shortcoming?), and I cannot expect that from them. I try to focus on the joy they can/do bring.

If you value your son and dil, overlook their shortcomings, and enjoy the good parts.
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Was your husband's his dad? If not, did you and your husband make him feel like he was one of the family or was it a strained relationship?

My mom didn't want me to have a good relationship with her husband but, she would try and guilt me for not treating him like my stepdad.

I felt like I couldn't win, so I quit trying. Now that he is gone I am able to talk to her more often and we even did a road trip in April to get some nature therapy. Not something that would have been possible when he was alive, even when he was healthy.
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You are getting mixed messages. Maybe stay with them and see how it works out. If you are uncomfortable, the next time get a hotel room. I think we may be doing it more and more when we visit. Much more private. Or just thank them and say u would be more comfortable in a hotel.

I understand the Dementia thing but I hate the excuse "just can't see them that way. And your son still had a mother. Like Alva says, the son usually leans toward's the wifes family. I see it all the time.

I am finding out not to expect. Makes life a lot easier.
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Dementia is a really, really hard thing for a lot of people to deal with. You yourself know how hard it truly is. You had no other choice but to deal with it, so you did. Your son and his family chose the easy way out, you could call it, the 'put-your-hands-over-your-eyes-and-pretend-it-doesn't-exist way of dealing with it. What that did was leave YOU in the lurch, with nobody to talk to or reach out to, which was cowardly, really. They left you alone when you needed help MOST in your life. Now that your DH is gone, they're wanting to reach out and invite you back into their lives because they love you. I'm sure they loved your DH too; they just didn't know how to deal with his illness.

You can try to forgive what happened in the past with your DH and how your son & his wife treated the whole situation, or, you can hold onto your anger & grief and continue to alienate your loved ones even further. If it were me, I think I would accept their invitation and at some point during the visit, I'd bring up the matter and lay it out on the table. Let YOUR feelings be known, and how hurt you were over the whole situation of being abandoned during your husband's run with dementia. Ask your son & his wife what they will do if YOU get diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's? Will they run away from you, too, as they did with your DH? Or perhaps educate themselves about the condition so they can deal with it if/when it crops up in their lives next time. Burying ones head in the sand never fixes anything.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward & fixing damaged relationships with truth, honesty and LOVE.
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My son would turn the world inside out for his DAD but never calls me to just chat. That pendulum swings both ways.

Does it hurt? OMGosh, yes, but I can't change it so I just go with it.

His wife doesn't care for me, so the call to not spend time with me is hers. I have 4 daughters and my Sons in Law more than make up for the loss of love from my son.

He was here over the w/e as his dad was in the hospital with something they never DID dx. Son usurped my POA power and got him released days before he was ready to come home. I guess I could have kicked up a stink about it, but it's not worth it. We cannot make people love us, or even like us.
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JoAnn29 May 2021
You as the wife and a POA should override anything your son wants. Surprised he was listened to.
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You heard perhaps the adage:
"My daughter's my daughter for all of her life;
My son is my son till he gets him a wife" ?????????
Don't know why but this often happens.
I would stay pleasant and cheerful as you are able and try not to make judgements and comparisons. I can't guess at what relationship your son had with his Dad because he isn't here to ask. Either is his Dad. So I would go on with life as it is now. The couple asked you to stay with them. If you wish to do so, then do so, but given family dynamics don't expect perfection. If you would prefer staying in a Hotel tell them you would look on that as a great adventure, having your own wonderful room, that you would "enjoy the day with them and watch bad TV with cocktails all night". In other words a)let go of the past and b) have a good time. I wish you luck and am sorry for your loss.
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Don’t worry about “how to feel” Your feelings are your own and can’t be helped. You’ve been hurt by your son and don’t know what to do next. For him to not visit because his dad had dementia was wrong. I have a sibling that would rarely come to my mom’s nursing home, saying it upset his family. Truth was, it upset him. I found the excuse flimsy at best, but had no choice but to accept it. Keep reaching out, especially to your grandson, but do so without expectations. Over time you’ll be able to let the past hurts go. And where you stay in their town is your choice, stay where you’re most comfortable and don’t justify your choice. I wish you healing and peace
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