My question is whether this is something I should discuss with him while I'm researching locations, or do it quietly without his knowledge. He has always said he does not want to be placed in a facility, but it is becoming more difficult for me to care for him although I have caregivers come in twice a week for three hours each time. -Red
"I will never place you in a care center" is often not a promise we can keep. "I will never abandon you" is one we can.
As it happened, I was able to keep him home (with 32 hours a week help from an aide) until the end.
My mother reached a point where to get her the best care required placement in a care center. We did not share the research period with her. I don't think she would have been able to make reasonable decisions at that point. We didn't want to place her where she liked the blue walls instead of in the place that could meet her care needs best.
Do you have family who could help you with this? It’s always good to have someone to bounce ideas off of.
One alternative to consider, is to arrange for Adult Day care for your husband several times a week. This could be 5-6 hours a day! And, to bring in more help at home. MC near me is about $240/day. There is adult day care near me at $70/day. And Aides through a services costs about $26/hour. My personal philosophy was to delay placement (and the resulting run on funds) for as long as possible.
But to answer your stated question. I don't think you need to discuss choosing a facility with someone with dementia. When you are ready, check out the offerings in your region. Placing my Mom followed a hospitalization and rehab. Rather than coming home from rehab, she was brought to MC where we told her the doctor wanted her to continue to practice walking to get stronger. I was fortunate, she was very easy going and never complained or pursued the topic.