They are still able to live at home at this point. Luckily my brother lives across the street from them so he checks in daily, but someone has to go to all dr. Appointments with them and kind of keep track of their medication, I pretty much have that role, although my brother has started going to occasional appointments now. I only live 15 minutes away right now, but my husband has retired and I am getting ready to, our plan has been to move south, now I feel like I am stuck. My husband wants to move next year, but has agreed to hold off a bit longer because of my parents, he is not willing to wait indefinitely though. Although my parents are failing, they could still be around for 10 or more years and by that time we will be getting older and we don’t want to miss our window of enjoying our retirement, I don’t know if that sounds selfish. Anyway, I feel like I would be abandoning my parents and I don’t think my brother could handle everything alone. I just don’t know what to do and needed a place to vent. Thanks for reading.
I had to go with them to all of their doctor appointments, because afterwards when they were in the backseat of the car they would be talking to each other about said appointment. I would be listening thinking "were we at the same appointment?" as my parents had things so mixed up as to what the doctor was saying.
As for doctor appointments, that meant primary doctor, dentist, cardiologist, urologist, gynecologist, dermatologist, podiatrist, gastroenterologist, ophthalmologist, oncologist, did I leave anyone out? All in all, my folks were doing well being in their mid to late 90's.
I tried to go away for a weekend retreat to my favorite place out in the country. Could I rest? Nope. Was on constant worry mode. I came home more stressed out :(
What I took away from my experience was that I was enabling my parents to be able to continue to live in a house that was just too much for them at this stage. But I was the problem solver so they got to enjoy their house for 10 years more than they should have been there. So try to keep that in mind when it comes to your parents. Discuss that with your brother.
After my Mom passed, my Dad allowed caregivers to come in the house, and eventually he decided to sell and move to senior living. He loved senior living, and could kick himself for not moving there years earlier. But my Mom wouldn't listen to anything related to downsizing, nor would she allow caregivers and cleaning crews past her front door..... [sigh].
So, you will have a lot to think about. Hopefully whatever you decide, it will go smoothly.
I would start by making sure your brother knows what he's in for, support from you or no. There is a dire labor shortage in eldercare that is going to get increasingly worse as the boomers age and there's fewer young people/inexpensive labor available. This will impact any plan that hinges on affordable, in-home help (especially if it is medical help, which low-pay workers cannot by law perform).
Now may be a better time to help them think about transitioning to an AL facility of their choosing and price-point. It may take them time to adjust to this notion or come to their own conclusion. I won't judge anyone who choses to care for their LOs in their homes, but please read the many posts of people attempting to do it and the attendant burnout and financial depletion. In-home care will exceed facility care at a certain point (especially if it involves medical help). I'm just recommending you go into this with eyes wide open and not just saying yes to your parents (possibly unrealistic) wishes. There is post after post on this site of people who started out caring for their parents at home and then their cognition declined rapidly as well as their health and at that point it was extremely contentious to get them into a good place voluntarily or without a waiting list or without Medicaid. God bless you for wanting to be there daily for your parents. Good luck in finding the right answer for your family!
The truth is that your parents, if they are only in their 80s, could live many more years. And yes, you would become exhausted with care. And the frame of time you have would be gone.
I think that it is time to sit and seriously talk with the entire family together about your plans. And if you are putting them off for a year, in all truth I cannot imagine that the choices will be easier; I am thinking they will make them more difficult.
There is no way to make things work out just right. There simply is not. Your parents have had a life; you have a right to have your own with your husband now.
I cannot know their finances. If they have a home it may be time to consider a frame of time to move together to assisted living; perhaps the sale of their home with their son's assistance, to provide for them.
So sorry that there is not a way to do this with a magic wand, and with no pain, and with no guilt or feelings you are being selfish, or feelings of sadness. But there just isn't. Wishing you luck. Talk it out with everyone.
There are so many options. Move as scheduled. Postpone moving for a defined period of time (perhaps 6 - 12 months). But either way, if this has been your plan, your dream, you should do it.
You can start making plans for how to support your brother as well as your parents from afar. You could plan to come up a couple/few times a year to give your brother respite care. You take care of the parents, he gets a much needed break. As you see the need arise, find a part-time caregiver to help your brother care for your parents. If they can not afford it, perhaps you might be lucky enough to have some extra $ to help pay for this.
As your parents will almost inevitably continue to decline, maybe you could help transition them to assisted living and if they need it, a nursing home.
So, there are ways you can be involved from down south so that your brother is not left doing everything all the time and your parents will be safe and well taken care of.
Good luck!