I took care for my mother with cancer for almost two years, until she died, two weeks ago. Just this situation was hard enough for me in many ways. Since her death, I started looking out for my father with dementia. It is hard work because he needs attention almost all the time. He is not used to being alone, so now I spend the whole day doing things for him, so he doesn't feel so alone and bored. But I am exhausted. I can't go on doing this. My father doesn't want to go to an ALF either. And he doesn't like his caregiver. Besides all, I used to have a life, I'm married with children. I need a job also, urgently, since I run out of money when I left my job to care for my mother. Anyone else with the same issue?
Urgently, find somewhere near you that offers respite care for families dealing with dementia - just Google respite care dementia in your location. You don't need your father's permission for this, tell don't ask him, and get yourself a break. You need a breathing space. Then you can think and plan.
Hugs, I'm so sorry for your loss and for what you're going through with your poor father.
What others told me was your father wants to keep his life exactly the same and he expects you to upend your life, health and marriage to enable him. Make a list of what he needs and another of what he just wants. Make another list of what you can reasonably do. Then cut that list in half because you will overestimate. Remember, it will not get better and you still need to oversee anybody assisting. Figure out how others can do as much as possible...paid, volunteer or family. Don't use your money, honey. I hope you have POA. Is your father safe alone? If so set up a regular time to visit and help. Stick to it. If he calls for something (of course right now!), sweetly say, "Sure, next time I come." He will create emergencies. Learn what he runs out of and keep ahead. I had to go to a therapist to help me implement this tough love.
Also only child. Brother died in 1995. Not that he would have helped.
Sorry, I'm no longer in your position. I'm an only child too. I tried working 3 days a week while also taking care of my (95 year old, stage 6 Alzheimer's) mother, leaving her at home with my husband on my days to work. (Hubs works from home.) It was a fiasco.
It doesn't sound like your Dad is in the advanced stages of dementia yet but he will be. You need to start making plans right now for his future care.
My mother was adamant that she would NEVER go into a facility but there comes a point where the family can no longer be available 24/7/365 without a nervous and physical breakdown. Do NOT do that to yourself AND your family. No one else can take away your life nor should they. Your responsibility is to see that your dad is well taken care of-not DO the caretaking.
Get off the guilt trip of being responsible for his companionship and happiness. You can't be all things to all people. Your Dad will get along.
Your first responsibility is to YOUR family. They deserve your time, attention and finances too.
When you get back, you can see how you feel, and your father will have a better idea of how he could cope himself. If you have to make the decision in spite of what he wants, you will be in better shape to deal with it once you have had a chance of a rest and a change of scene. It probably feels only too difficult even to arrange at this stage, but it would almost certainly be worth one more effort. Do you have any family members who know what you have done, and might have you to stay for a cheap break? An aunt or a cousin? This may be the time to ask for help.
Very best wishes, Margaret
My condolences to you about you and your family.
May God watch over you.