I'm still angry and resentful of my siblings after my dad passed. Any advice on how to cope?

We have basically two chances at family. The one we are born into and the one that we make for ourselves. After all this trying to be validated and vindicated I think it is time to move on and build your own family of caring and loving souls. We often act in habitual ways because while they are torturous they are at least representing for us "the known". There is nothing scarier than taking another path, trying something different. In all truth we sometimes don't even know HOW to do it, so we keep on like the old mill pony, going in circles carrying the load, wearied and in pain.
I would consider getting help. Tell your therapist going in exactly what you told us. Comb through new ways of living,new goals, new boundaries to protect yourself. It's clear to us here you value, your WORTH, from all you have done. Now it needs to get clear for YOU in your own head. Once it is there, you will no longer need the evaluation of others.
I surely do wish you the very best. I hope you will update us as you explore new ways of being. There are people out there who are good, kind and loving. Go get em!

Did you do all this caregiving because you wanted to? Did you expect your siblings to be super grateful and appreciate you because you were being selfless? Sorry, but I guess that has not worked out so well. Maybe they are just rude. I would consider living with the estrangement and focus on improving the parts of your life that you can control. Do the things that bring you happiness.

Don't wait for their applause & pats on the back. You didn't help to get their praise afterall. You did it because you felt called to. Some are called to teaching, some to healing professions, others for charity work. You heeded your calling. Be proud of yourself & thank yourself today. Tell yourself well done.

Then be grateful for the new opportunity to care for yourself now!

I am curious - what does 'being selfless' mean to you?

I personally dislike the word selfless. (Why have less self?) I also dislike the work selfish. But I DO like the term self-care. It is self*respecting*.

Maybe with self-love, you may love your own traits, forgive the others for being who they are & avoid astrangement. Happy day to you.

Does your hurt, your anger, resentment effect your siblings at all?
I doubt it.
So the burden, the weight of the anger, resentment are weighing you down.
It effects you more than it does them.
Why give them power like that over your body, mind, soul?
Take a shower or bath. Let the feelings of anger and resentment wash away.
(gee sounds easy right. If it were that easy I just put a whole lot of therapists out of work)
You have to flip that switch in your mind and ...this is going to be the hard part...forgive them. You do not have to voice it to them if you don't want to but in your heart and mind forgive. I did not say forgive and forget.
The Serenity Prayer helps a lot in all sorts of situations. In a nut shell
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference.

If you have to, if you think it will help you could talk to a therapist and talk out your anger, frustration and resentment. It has been a long time to carry these feelings.
((hugs, may you find peace))

Good Morning,

Live well...that is the best revenge! Only you would know what this means for you personally. Make a list and check it twice!

Amen...

You can only control yourself. When you do things with the expectation that others have a response that makes you feel better, you put all your power outside of yourself. I think deep down, that people can feel this - and give you the opposite of the reaction you deeply want. You will not, can not, get your sense of self met by anyone other than yourself. You can’t change them, and denying that truth, denying any truth and wishing it were different is just going to cause you suffering. The best thing you can do is find an inner peace, figure out why you strive so much for outside validation and then decide that all of your caretaking strengthened you in a way. I know it sounds hard, but flip the switch and decide that you benefitted by doing the right thing and caretaking for the ones you loved. Your siblings missed that chance and they can’t ever get it back.

You have a kind and generous heart. Unfortunately, others in your family do not. Stop expecting the milk of kindness to come from stone. Find those that will love and care for you as you need and deserve. Remain friendly with the other family members but stop expecting them to act differently. If this feeling remains for more than a few weeks, please consider seeing a counsellor to process these emotions and get to an emotionally healthier place.

You might not like what I have to say so I'm sorry...
It sounds to me that you done all this caregiving then expect your siblings to give you what you want? You're feeling sorry for yourself and you need to let it go. Not everyone are caregivers and can't begin to know what you've done. So be proud of yourself for all the wonderful, helpful, kind, loving and generous things you've done to help your loved ones and let the rest go. It's not your business to know what others think of you or even if they like you. Most important, you've got to learn to be your own best friend. Good luck.

Let it go ! It’s only hurting you !
obviously, if they ever cared before ? They won’t ever ! So direct your thoughts and life to things that make YOU happy ! And let them go their way ! One day their chickens will come home to roost and they will need help - remind them if they ask you that you have stopped being a caregiver! They’re turn !

Move on they don’t care and let go of them
sometimes it’s best to release toxic relationships and let the trash take itself out . Make a goal - fall in love , go on that hiking trip , buy that sexy dress , put on some make up and go out and have some fun . Focus on you now and the rest of your life - stay happy and healthy and find a new hobby like gardening . You can do it - this is your life .

Beware of those who may judge you now by saying things like you are just "feeling sorry for yourself". Our feelings are not right or wrong, they are simply human! Your feelings of anger and resentment are normal human emotions AND sharing them here took courage. My own siblings also treated me badly so I understand how deeply that can HURT. I've been meeting with a professional counselor to help me deal with my anger and family estrangement in healthy ways. Take care of yourself!

you need to take care of yourself now. You’ve gone above and beyond for your family. Live your life, have fun and letting go of anger and resentment is necessary to heal your heart and soul. Hugs💜

These feelings are only hurting you, the others don't care. I did too much for my mother, she never appreciated it, still doesn't. I stopped told my brother it was his turn, he stepped up saying "Your Right" sorry I didn't realize this before.

So he handles the day to day, I assist him behind the scenes, if I do not want to do something, I don't, just say no.

My brother, to my mother, is the Golden Boy, I was the scapegoat, no more, brother is now the "Golden Goat"!

Let it go, no more caretaking for you, just say no, I am done!

Take care of you!

Perhaps you might consider relocating with the goal of getting some therapy to release the anger and resentment; hanging on to them could trigger cancer.

Perhaps you've vacationed somewhere and would love to live there? Joining community programs would instantly throw you into the heartbeat of the location. Do yourself a favor and don't volunteer for a solid year as part of your therapy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Block your ungrateful siblings for the first year, too, another anger and resentment release. "Detach with love."

What kind of relationship do you expect from people who didn't pitch in or appreciate your work? Even if they did shower you with gratitude, what do you expect next?

Yes, it’s hopeless. Quit dwelling on the family you don’t have. You can’t MAKE people appreciate you. If they don’t, move on. Yes, it’s hard, but in the long run you don’t want to be with people who do not value you. Cut your losses.

Get on other your own life. Leave the ungrateful ones to themselves. Keep your distance. If your caregiving days are over (it wasn’t clear in your post), keep your friends or make friends. Work. Volunteer for things that are meaningful to you.

if you are still caregiver, then consider stepping aside to either let another family member step up or have the person you’ve been caring for put in a home/hospice/assisted living/ whatever. You’ve done your share.

You are only human and you have completed your task to the best of your abilities.

You call it estrangement and indifferent. Others would say, save yourself now.

CDN,
Being selfless and taking selfless actions on another's behalf is a reward in and of itself, without recognition, rewards, or acknowledgements. Yes, often criticisms and judgements from others.

You are not the kind of person who in their mind sets out to do something for those reasons or rewards. You do it because it needed to be done, and because it is who you are.

That is why I keep repeating: "No good deed goes unpunished".

Try making new friends with people who are not narcissists, maybe that will help you feel accepted. Also, consider yourself retired as a caregiver, as you have more than done enough for others.

You are fully accepted and befriended here on this forum by members who know you.

You can allow the anger and resentment go when you are ready. There is hope for you, making the rest of your life the best of your life.

dear OP,
:)

you have good reasons to be angry with your siblings. as you said:
"My sisters don't show me any respect, care, or consideration."

Point 1
i would suggest:
cut them out of your life. people like that will only make you feel bad; your self-esteem will get lower and lower BECAUSE of them.

here's a quote i like, which i've repeated many times:
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *ssholes."

surround yourself with KIND, LOVING people ----- orrrrrrr, be alone.
"Better alone, than badly accompanied."

enjoy your own company :).
meanwhile: you'll find nice people, and they'll find you, too.

Point 2
you wrote:
"I tried so hard to be selfless and it has meant nothing."

don't despair, dear OP.
it meant something. it meant a great deal to all those you lovingly helped.
and it means something to the universe, too: a human being who was/is kind, loving.

Point 3
it's clear you're kind.
NOW rise up, and work on all your other qualities --- for example, your dreams/ambitions in life. it is never too late. hug!!!! fill your life with things you love.

in my case, very unfortunately for me, i looooove cookies, chocolate -- basically everything that is bad. so of course, don't be like me.

fill your life with wonderful things, wonderful people, OP. :)

I am sorry, it is hard to give so much and not have the support you deserve.

I moved my parents down to VA just shy of three years ago, sold the home which was a hoarding situation and got them settled in assisted living. Like anyone who has siblings I was sure three of the four would be actively involved and of course I knew I was main caregiver.

One sister came every two to three months with longer periods in between. They are retired and have kids and travel. I was and am so grateful for the support because sometimes it is nice to sit in jammies until noon. I was going to my parents every day to make sure Dad ate and my bedridden Mom had company. I have taken a beating, at one point both parents were in Hospice.

The other sibling had every excuse in the book. She was busy, she has a daughter (21) she cant afford dog walkers, she cant find them.

a couple of weeks ago I tried to do FT with her. No answer which is fine, she was probably out and about. When my other sister came to visit she asked if I had heard from the other sister. I texted and said I tried to contact you and you didn't contact me back.

she told me her notifications weren't working and when she called she said she was busy. (Retired) I unfortunately said busy doing what? She was busy helping her friend.

that was the moment I realized she is never going to be there for me and I had to let that expectation go. Of course she is the victim and called me and my sister a B and guess what? She is coming to see my Mother in the middle of July to prove me wrong.

I realize my mental health is important and she was not helping that so I blocked her on social media because I want to move forward and stop expecting something that she is not willing to give.

it is hard to deal with this but in order to make your life better you sometimes have to accept what you can’t change.

you can’t change this behavior but you can change how you deal with it. I have had a really rough couple
of weeks trying to deal with this but I know not having the drama in my life is ultimately better for me and for the person I care for.

take care of yourself

People are people. We all make mistakes. We all can only deal with what our minds allow us to deal with. We are all different, yet in many ways the same.

Your confidence in yourself needs some assistance. After giving and giving and giving all these years, you may have forgotten how to be a receiver of help, especially if it comes in an unexpected way or direction. However, I don't want you to be a victim of fraud or abuse, just because you are searching for a way out of the whirlpool.

It is not too late. There are many cities where the single females flourish. However, you need to be able to recognize and be accepting of changes. Are you willing to be part of a church? Are you willing to pick up a new hobby? Are you willing to volunteer? Could you go to vocational school or get a degree?

I would suggest that you find a therapist to help you navigate out of the whirlpool that your life has become. If you have a primary care physician, ask him/her for a reference. If your father's physician is still around, ask his office. I'm assuming you have some kind of medical insurance. If so, the insurance might have a list of providers that you can pick from.

Keep fighting that estrangement and indifference. It is not hopeless. You just might need to ask for assistance from an adventure guide (therapist).

cdnreader: Kind and compassionate individuals like you are often taken advantage of and used. I am sorry that your siblings treated you in such an incomprehensible way. You need not 'play their game,' but you don't have to accept being mistreated either. True story: I have befriended individuals in my 75 years on this earth who treated me poorly/used me. It didn't mean that I have to be this or that person's bff, but it also didn't mean that I subjected myself to being someone's doormat. You are such a wonderful individual and a longtime AC poster. Big hugs and love sent.

You made the decision to be that caregiver. Your siblings did not obviously. You can't harbor resentment towards people, when it was you who made the decisions to take care of your family.

Move on. Just like you, they were not obligated to help. You decided to. Your siblings may not show you respect because you're not showing respect for yourself and it sounds like you enjoy the martyrdom.

You tried hard to be selfless, but for whose benefit? Sounds like you wanted to play a role of being a selfless person, but then expected something in return. That's not a selfless person. That's a person who decided to do something, expecting something in return, when no one asked you to.

I'd recommend therapy. Your siblings may be selfish, self-centered and/or uncaring about your family members, but maybe they had a different experience with them than you.

Your bitterness towards them is holding you back.

I feel the same as you do. I have much the same situation. My siblings said they would help one day a week. I have seen NOTHING. I have a full-time job, too, and they do not. They have not only not helped, but caused trouble, criticized, called me names, called me crazy, threatened to report me, blah blah blah. I really expected a family to be different in this situation, but they have made my life hell. So I understand the feeling you have of betrayal, and hurt. I understand how difficult it is to choose to help and have to do it all alone when you'd hoped there would be some support and aid offered.

From your words, I can tell you did this for the same reason I did: to help; because you thought it was the right thing to do. And you know what? You SHOULD be acknowledged for this. I'm sure you didn't enjoy giving up your wants, your life, anymore than I do, but you felt like it was the right thing to do for the people you cared about. Kudos.

As far as your siblings, I DO go to a therapist. I go because my husband died from a mental illness and I also see a therapist who specializes in grief. They both agreed with me when I said I want nothing to do with my siblings after this. It's very painful to give up the HOPE of having a loving family, but they've never been there for me; why should I think that they would be in the future? I'd get more response from putting a head of cabbage on the countertop and asking for love and affection and support from it. At least the cabbage wouldn't spit back at me and tell me I like being a victim, am co-dependent, am borderline, am whatever they look up in the next google search, it's all my fault and whatever else they need to say to make themselves feel better about doing NOTHING.

I wish that going forward, you will find more self-love (I also wish this for myself) and that you can find more caring and supportive people in your life who will appreciate you for your kind and giving heart. Give yourself a big pat on the back for being a kind and caring person; I'm also giving you one. You can if this is over now, or when it is over, go out into the world with a clean conscience. You can go out into the world and be free to create whatever life you want and surround yourself with people who will appreciate you instead of abuse and use you. <3

cdnreader, There's a famous scene in an old Star Wars movie where Yoda tells Luke Skywalker, "There is no try. Only do."
I used to say things to myself like your replies written here to suggestions with, "I'll try," or "I know I need to..."
All my life I was a very submissive person and found it difficult to stand up for myself (as if everyone else had a right to be in front of me). Then I changed my language from submissive/passive to the active/affirmative.
Listen now what that sounds like: not "I'll try", but "I will do it." Not "I know I need to" (which always gives yourself permission to never do it) but change it to "I start Monday" to do this or that.
This is not a criticism of you. I recognized myself in your answers to recommendations people have given you. To begin a change in your life, change how you speak to yourself and how you respond to others. Say "YES!" not "I know I should..." and you'll feel stronger and more empowered. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for!

Cdnreader,

I understand perfectly how you feel. I didn't have as much as a time as you did since I only looked out for my mom. But my siblings didn't help much thats for sure. I was always looking out for my mom from the time my dad died when I was four and throughout my mom's life.

For instance when my older brother defaulted on a loan my mom had cosigned for him. This was when I was about 18 yrs. old. I found my mom crying in her room one day cause she had to pay his loan and had no money for groceries or bill payments that mth. I had four older siblings at the time. I told my mom no problem, I'd give her the money. No one else stepped up to offer and one sister even gave me grief cause I slept in the day my mom went to the bank. Mom got the money no problem but my one sister still glared at me cause I'd slept in that day. Even when she could have helped out but didn't.

Fast forward to my mom's declining years. Same thing. I did most everything but got criticized on how I did it from sibs. The gall when you think about it. Standing on the sidelines watching someone knock themselves out and criticize instead of pitching in. Or visiting mom, seeing that things look bad and instead of stepping up, phoning me to do something and then tell me how I didn't do it right afterward. When my mom died we wouldn't have even had a ceremony to say good bye if I had not arranged it. It was like herding cattle, but harder.

I've never been respected by my sibs. I know I never will. I've learned to not expect it. Once you learn to have no expectations from your sibs you'll learn not to care anymore. One other thing changed along the way. I lost all respect for them too. I don't look up to them, don't care what they think of me anymore and that's that.

Forget about them. Instead be proud of yourself and all you've done.

Sorry this happened, cdnreader. I didn't wake up to my sibling's selfish & greedy behavior until he broke his promise of helping to take care of our elderly parents. He was always like this. I ignored the red flags in the past.

It takes time to get over your justified anger. I found a therapist to help me heal from it.

I decided on no contact forever. This sibling has no conscience & I don't/won't trust someone like that. That's helped a lot to move on from it.

Best of luck to you!

It is important to realize that you made these choices. Key is when you say "Told to take care of younger siblings." Who told you and now these internalized messages are somewhat water under the bridge. OF COURSE, you'd be angry and frustrated with 'no help.' While it is painful to say/write this, considering all you have done, it appears that you did not / have not / do not know how to set boundaries for yourself to take care of YOU. When you set yourself up to 'do' everything needed, others learn to expect or anticipate that this is what you will do. HOW DO YOU CHANGE ? The key is that you need to feel good about yourself and do for others based on what feels good to you. If you 'do' based on ongoing resentments of "no one is taking any responsibility but me,' then you will feel like the scapegoat, irritated, frustrated, angry.
1. If you consider that feelings for others (your sisters) only hurts YOU, you will change how you internalize these feelings. I learned that FORGIVENESS is for the person forgiving; it is a process of healing by letting go. It matters little what the other (sisters) say / respond.
2. While you learn to heal yourself, you equally need to do some deep inner work on yourself: learn how to set boundaries, love yourself, and tell others how you feel. If you continue to do, do, do, nothing will change.
3. I would suggest that after you do some inner healing on / for yourself, that you consider a 'family meeting' and tell your sisters how you feel, giving "I" messages. I feel xxx since I took on xxx (responsibility) and xxx (i.e., no one stepped up in the family to help with these needs). It is important to NOT address your feelings with YOU YOU YOU (did / didn't) as this will set up a defensive communication / exchange and they will shut down.
4a. I believe key for you is to learn how you want respect and except nothing less. If someone (anyone) communicates with you in a way that doesn't feel respectful, bring it up soon after (consider what happened/process your feelings, then discuss when you are not activated (emotional).

'WE TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT US" (notwithstanding dementia / mental illness in others).

4b. I'd say that the objective of sharing how you feel 'now' (or when you might have this family meeting) is to share how you feel and not blame. What happened in the past is done; what remains is your resentment about it and how you let it go, and learn self-love, self-respect and what that means to you and how you interact / communicate with others, including your sisters.

I hope some of this makes sense. It isn't easy or quick as this is changing how you likely have felt about yourself for your entire life. You want to feel inner peace. Letting go through a healing process will help. This doesn't mean you accept as "okay" their behavior / past decisions / not helping. Self healing is so you will feel better about you. If the sisters do not provide you the respect you feel you deserve / want, then it is up to you to change accordingly. This might result in you realizing / letting go of the relationships as they have been 'all your life.' You want people in your life who respect you, family or not. Gena.

Touchmatters, no offense but your post makes it sound that Cdnreader somehow is responsible for how her sibs treat her cause she doesn't set boundaries and feels bad about herself. I think a lot of what you said is a load of psycho babble.

Maybe her sibs are the ones with the problems cause they need to feel superior so they made Cdnreader a scapegoat. Maybe they should examine themselves.

Theres no excuse for treating someone bad whether she chose to take on the responsibility or not.
Its never acceptable behavior. Whether someone has self esteem problems or not.

"Choices"
Some people have never been in the presence of a narcissist.

Lighten up posters. Don't make CDN sorry that she came here for support.

Could it be that her comments have made some who are siblings uncomfortable?

None of us need to be taking sides on which sibling did what to whom.

Hi CDN! i just read your question and the many replies. Thought I’d share my advice on this topic as well seeing I am my mother's primary caregiver moving into year three. I have two older sisters that do minimal if anything and only at their convenience. They do not ever want their lives disrupted in any way. I, like you, felt used and unappreciated. But instead of dwelling on the anger, resentment and hurt I was feeling I decided to focus on my mother. See, it isn’t about my sisters. It’s never been about them. I chose to be my moms caregiver and have done a pretty darn good job of it all while raising three children, teaching full time and living between her home and mine. I’m proud of myself! And you should be proud of yourself! What you did for your family members is priceless. Most people CAN’T handle it. So focus on the good you’ve done! It will lift your spirits believe me! I have realized & learned many things in the past 2 1/2 years but most importantly I learned to let that resentment go. Yes it only hurts you, not them we all know this but like most things we know are to be true or right well it is… continued