There's so much going on I don't know where to start. My Dad has been bedbound for over 5 years and he can be difficult. He's in and out of hospitals with pneumonia and infections. He's supposed to come home soon after a procedure but mom is hesitant. She's tired from taking care of him, she took care of him until recently (this past year she had major surgery for an aneurysm). So she's stopped everything. Doesn't even make a sandwich and walks with a walker, never goes out. Shes declined cognitively and wants me there all the time. Meanwhile my Dad wants to come home and not get the procedure done. He doesn't care if he dies at home he just wants to go home. He also has some dementia but COPD is what's getting him now. My mom doesn't want to make decisions and can't make her up her mind about having him come home. She loves the quiet but feels guilty cause he almost died in a nursing home. Mind you we have been blessed with a live in caregiver recently but thats been a long road. We finally got approved through the agency on Aging. It took alot of work on my part to get it plus my sister started the ball rolling years ago. So he has help but he still calls for mom at night. We don't want him to be put away because nursing homes can be very bad if you are not on top of things constantly. Plus he almost died with Sepsis. Long story on that too. My other sisters don't do half of what I do for both of them but are put on a pedestal by my mother. She wants me to make all the hard decisions, stay over, cook, shop, the list never ends and yet I get no appreciation from anyone. I've gone above and beyond for my family but no one is never happy and regardless of my dad having live in help its still hard because he's in pain or wants mom. When he was on hospice we had alot of support but then when he got sick mom wanted to save him and bring him to hospital. It's been a shitshow this past year ever since mom got sick and the responsibilities keep piling up with them. If I take a day off my younger sister dictates by asking when I'm coming over. Granted she has had surgery and can't help as much and befire that worked full time. There's always an excuse from my mom. Yet with me it's expected. I've lost work. My life with my husband is on a day to day basis. I can't commit to anything because any day can be a crisis with my family. Yet my sister has taken 2 trips during this time. I decided to work for the caregiver company so I can make some money while doing things but lately I can't take it. My mom wants only me to do things abd stay over mind you she has someone mon through Fri who helps her 4 hours per day plus my hours and it's never enough. I asked the caregiver if she would mind switching to work a Sunday and I'd take Friday and my mom got pissed. She wants what she wants but I feel tremendous guilt when I yell and argue with her. She's become completely different with me. Mean and manipulative. Yet with other sister she does no wrong. I almost has a breakdown several times. I want my life back and am at the point where I'll give my hours up just to have my life. I told her I'm not coming anymore because she never appreciates me but then I cave out of guilt because she did alot for us when we were younger. I don't want to do this anymore. I miss the other mother that she was but the more I do the more she expects. It's so exhausting and depressing. On top of it I live in fear of losing them and how and when they will pass. Yes,I have a therapist but it's just not helping anymore. I feel like I'm going to crack up. I need to distance myself but get sucked into something one way or another and if I don't do it I'm told I'm looking for a way out. I'm resentful, fearful, overwhelmed, depressed, and tired. Keep in mind between driving back and forth, running errands, shopping and doing stuff I'm there 15-20 hrs or more yet my family finds things to guilt me about.
More hired help needs to be brought in the home and you get to be home with your family more .
I suggest you take a big step back and take respite time off . You go away with your husband somewhere . Don’t ask your family . Tell them you are going away AFTER you’ve already booked the trip so they can’t talk you out of it .
And you can quit caregiving all together if you need/want .
Taking care of needy old people is much worse than what your Mom did for her kids . A parent is obligated to care for their children .
You are now an adult , stop letting other people guilt trip you . You did not make your parents old . They will have to accept help from others besides you .
Now down to brass tacks. You will continue doing this or not.
Back in October you got suggestions.
I myself said then that this isn't sustainable.
Yet here you are. Still attempting to sustain it.
Sorry to shake you up. Not too long ago a fellow responder on AC wrote me a private message accusing me of being like the abuser husband who pops the wife one in the jaw for her own good. She hit a real nerve, and every time now I level with people in what seems even to me, a brutal manner, I think of what that other AC member suggested. Yet, I see here how far a therapist got you by not telling you guilt. Long ago he/she should have suggested you are suffering grief. Grief at what you life has become as you do the slow burn on your parent's funeral pyres.
I am so sorry. YOU are my concern. I want a life for YOU. Your PARENTS have had their lives. They have their limitations. YOU have a right to your OWN life, but you are going to have to claim that. If I could wrap it up in a pretty box with a huge bow I would. But I can't.
Your dad doesn't get to dictate to you, or to your mom. Your mom doesn't get to dictate to you. Your sister doesn't get to dictate to you. Just say no.
Your dad needs to go somewhere to be medically cared for. Whether that's at home with paid caregivers or to a facility is something for him and your mom and the discharge planner where he is now to work out. Who handles the hour-by-hour care schedule for him if he does come home is for your mom and the live-in caregiver to work out between themselves. If you stop letting her force you to make the decisions, she'll have to make them herself.
Your sisters don't get to dictate what you do, but they have the right idea about not destroying their own lives for your parents. So follow their lead. Instead of resenting and being envious of their trips, go on trips yourself, with your husband. Reinstate your marriage and relationship as a priority. Have some fun. Rest. Get back the life and happiness you deserve. Switch therapists to one who is actually helpful for you. (Not necessarily a criticism of your current one, just that sometimes you need a different approach.)
Put yourself first. Heal and get healthy, emotionally and physically, with NO GUILT. Easier said than done, I know. But you need and deserve so much better than this.