He has his own side of the house but is constantly staying in our living room. I recently told him 50 percent of his time can be with us, 50 percent in his own living space. we offered to take him to senior center, he doesn't want to go there. he has no interests or hobbies nor any friends and never has. I am sick of his listening to all my conversations, intruding when friends come over and watching me when I do the house work. I bought him little projects to work on. He wants my husband and I to do it with him and makes no effort to try. He is used to being waited on and could do things himself but expects us to do everything for him. I am about at the end of my rope. He has done this off and on for 2 years.
This arrangement didn't suit my mom at all. She pitched some ugly fits to disrupt our lives. It was scary for my kids to see this old lady acting like a two year old. I couldn't go to the bathroom without mom screaming fo me because she thought I had left. It got worse & worse until we all dreaded coming into the house.
I always say that if you are lucky to live in the Walton's house with all generations doing swell beside one another, good for you. The rest of us have to figure out what else we can do with our babies and grannies here in the real world.
I've compared caregiving to being caught in a whirlpool, sucked in, going round and round, with no seeming way out, little perspective on how important our own needs are, and struggling just to survive let alone get ahead. I've felt that way many times and still do.
It's difficult when in that situation to see a way out though, and perspective is hard to find, but the first step is recognizing the importance of one's self and the facts that:
a. We can only do limited things for our loved ones.
b. Some things just aren't going to get done, but that's been a part of life forever. It seems more pressing for older folks because they're sliding into the ends of their lives, but it's also a time to prioritize and decide which are the most important things to address, like health, safety, nutrition, etc.
c. Caregiving causes a loss of perspective of our own needs, and the fact that if we don't address them, we can't successfully address our loved one's needs.
d. There can be a lot of manipulation and domination by needy old folks, and even though we feel sucked in, we have to take a stand even if it means someone's feelings are going to be hurt.
RoHo, this man is manipulating you and your husband, getting away with it and likely enjoying himself. You had no idea when you established this 50/50 arrangement that he would abuse it, but he has.
It will probably be hard, but put your foot down and stop this by making him stay on his side of the house. If you do have him over, say for meals, advise him afterward that your family has private plans and even though you're glad of his company for dinner, it's time for the family to be alone. Then get up and escort him back to his side of the house.
I would suggest taking him to a senior center (I don't think he needs day care) but I suspect he'll throw a fit.
Maybe the best thing you could do is put locks on your doors so he can't come over.
And make sure your family is on board and doesn't undercut you by thinking you're being too harsh. You've been too kind for long enough.
Good luck; I hope you can find the strength to do this as I know it isn't easy.
My mom is in a senior housing community where they have a long list of activities all day, every day. If she doesn't go, it's not my problem. Others have also mentioned day centers.
It is really unhealthy for someone to sit and vegetate in front of the TV all day long. You have to take the bull by the horns and setup some kind of arrangement for FIL to be occupied during the day time. He might not like the idea or be willing, but too bad. I wouldn't present it as an option. I also wouldn't cave if any tantrums happen. Sometimes the change in schedule or day is a little upsetting, but in time it becomes the new routine and is fine.