My parents were 60 (mom) and 59 (dad) when they moved in with me in 2020. I am the youngest of 6 adult children. I have a husband (we married at the beginning of 2020-4 months before the move) and we share an 8-year-old daughter. They are still able to do things for themselves so I have not assumed the role of caretaker (yet), but their declining health makes it so neither of them can hold a full-time job. My mom works part-time on minimum wage, and my dad works as a handyman taking odd jobs but has been out of commission for months due to needed surgery on his hands. We pay all the household bills so they are able to handle their needs and 1 or 2 bills they have. But my concern is I don't see them ever achieving financial independence again, and I am trying to wrap my mind around how long we are going to be sharing space and eventually probably provide for them financially too (they have no wealth or retirement savings left). They're good tenants and help out a lot around the house but they come with challenges you can expect of cohabitation (privacy, overstepping, using too much space, etc). None of my siblings have enough room for them except my 2 brothers. 1 wouldn't due to the size of his family, and 1 would due to him being an empty nester-but he lives on the other side of the country and my mom won't move away from her 13 grandchildren. I don't know why I'm posting this other than to get tips and advice for how to create a future plan that doesn't involve so much sacrifice on my family's part (I wish that didn't sound so selfish, but it's not just me who's affected by this-it's my husband and daughter too)... Some context, my dad was never a good provider growing up, he was flaky with jobs, and we were evicted a lot and had to move around a lot (4 elementary schools, 3 middle schools). My mom always gave 110% of anything she had for her kids and sacrificed/turned down a lot of opportunities to be there for her family or follow her husband on his next endeavor. Anything we do for my mom has to inherently include my dad. My mom is a joy to live with and be around, my dad can be very challenging to live with, which is why none of us stayed living at home after the age of 19, and none of us have ever relied on either of them financially after that.
Part of me knows it's their fault they're in this situation (both of them, him for not securing their future, and her for constantly choosing to submit and follow him); and the other part of me feels an obligation and duty to say so what? And take care of them forever... I could come up with so many excuses for their situation, products of poverty (both) and immigration to U.S. at 17 (mom) made it hard for them to get ahead, and culture made them neglect their health until it was too late. But all I'm left with is it's not fair. It's not fair that my siblings (oldest is 10 years older then me) have all gotten more time to make their own lives and still have it. It's not fair that my parents have not only not given us a headstart in life where we wouldn't be reliant on debt and painstaking grit to get ahead, but now they've become a burden at a very young age. It's not fair that my husband has had to give up a lot of his space in his own home to make room for their stuff. It's not fair, but... I know in my heart it's the right thing to do and I have to fight against these feelings... I just know that I also need to start planning for the future where they inevitably depend on me more, not less...
Has anyone else experienced this at a young age or maybe even younger? Thanks for any non-judgmental tips or advice for me to make my peace with this new reality.
-I don't have enough space on my property to build an in-law suite nor will my HOA allow it. We converted our great room downstairs into a room for them, which has plenty of room for their stuff-they also have a storage unit. They come upstairs to use the shower and laundry room. We also share the kitchen. A sticking point for me is my dad uses a lot of the garage space for his 'tools' because I didn't agree to give them that space when they came. It's not out of the question for us to sell our home and buy a home that has an in-law suite in the future (long future when my parents are actually old)
-The main motivation for moving them down was because of their health. A few have asked why my mom won't work more... They are both very sick-arthritis in the legs, diabetes, neuropathy, etc. My mom is exhausted and in pain after her part-time job every day and sometimes needs a cane to walk. My dad made a big announcement 2 years before the move that they would be moving back down here, but no progress was ever made. I feared that they didn't have much time left, especially after their covid bout, if they stayed up there alone as we witnessed their daily decline. What also worries me is their memory problems and lack of technical understanding, because it's an early sign of cognitive issues and risks of scamming. My mom asked so I made the leap out of faith because I thought it was more important to have them down here close to family than for me to be uncomfortable for a little while. My husband agreed. My daughter was elated.
-Yes, my dad does not submit to women well, he's gone behind me to my husband when he thinks he can get a better answer from him. He likes to recommend useless (in my opinion) improvements to our house and I'm mostly against them. And he can be manipulative to get what he wants. My husband and I always say we need to talk to each other about it first before agreeing to anything.
-A few of my siblings have helped my parents (mostly mom) in the past, but never for this long. It drove my sister to a very dark place the last time she did it because she was caught in between a bad time in their marriage and was single with no kids at the time so my dad asserted even more 'authority.'
-My parents can be very helpful, my dad is a skilled handyman and self-taught mechanic but has always had a problem giving his services away for free... especially to family. I find him working more to help my siblings with things than actually working to save them money. He tries that with us, but I want them to know that we mostly don't need the help.
-We really don't need their income to help with household bills. The only thing that has cost us more with them here is monthly utilities. I really don't like accepting money from anyone for anything but work, especially from family. So my biggest offer of help for them was to let them keep their money to save up. But my dad goes long stretches without working and he has a spending problem (an old habit). He buys things that aren't necessary but he swears he needs for 'work' or 'the house.'
-Hubby doesn't really mind them being here. He says he'd do it for his own parents if they needed it (they probably never will need it). His only issue is if he feels disrespected. It bothers me more because it brings up repressed memories.
My biggest takeaways from all your amazing tips:
-My immediate family will continue to come first.
-I am part of the problem and the solution.
-There are many resources available for my parents to become independent again, I will do the legwork to find those and get them connected.
-Get them on every low-income housing waitlist out there.
-1: Stand up to my parents, tell them this wasn't my plan for my young family.
-2: Stand up to my siblings, tell them the burden will be easier shared.
29 is pretty young to take on this responsibility of having your parents live with you. It can work, but you might do better with setting boundaries? Not easy but doable.
https://www.hhs.gov/answers/programs-for-families-and-children/what-services-are-available-to-the-disabled-elderly/index.html
Answer: "YES!!!"
Get them out of your house STAT!
Even so it is not a child's job to make up for a parents poor planning and short comings. Just because a parent does it for a child, it is their duty as a parent to do that, same is not true for children.
I can feel from your words that you are really trying to help, and I salute you especially for trying to do that as there is no inheritance.
But in trying to do this, at your age, you might forego life goals. such as for yourself, having a baby between the two of you. Maybe even your marriage, and especially so if your 8-yo is your biological child that you share with an ex. Careers too can be like this--often the best opportunities do occur before one is 40.
I strongly recommend that you tell your parents that going forward, they are to pay you rent at 30 percent of what they now make. If they can't pay for their personals or their cell phone or whatever, then they will have to up their hours to pay for it.
Caring for an adult is significantly different than a child so it is not accurate to use the old, "they cared for me" card. If your parents didn't plan financially, that is not your fault and you shouldn't have to destroy (or at least impact) your own financial future because of them. I know I wouldn't want to put my own kids in that position.
With that said, I don't think the answer is to kick them out on the street. You need a plan with all of your siblings where everyone contributes. Maybe you could all contribute financially so they could live somewhere independently or they spend some time at each sibling's house. There is also government housing and benefits that could help them provide for themselves if they can't work.
Most importantly, do something now. Don't wait until they need more hands-on care as it will be even more difficult to get your siblings to help.
I will add I am not a millennial. I am a life-loving, grateful for everything I have, parent, wife, and daughter who has had to balance (having) providing my kids with the best possible future and caring for an increasing (and now totally) dependent mother for 23 years.
You are not responsible for your parents. Let me repeat that.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PARENTS.!
You are starting a life of your own.
Make better choices than they did.
Support yourselves, save for your future and your children. Make plans for your future. Learn a lesson from your parents. SAVE for the "what if's" in your life.
You can help your parents by finding resources that will help them help themselves. If you support them now it will not stop!