My parents were 60 (mom) and 59 (dad) when they moved in with me in 2020. I am the youngest of 6 adult children. I have a husband (we married at the beginning of 2020-4 months before the move) and we share an 8-year-old daughter. They are still able to do things for themselves so I have not assumed the role of caretaker (yet), but their declining health makes it so neither of them can hold a full-time job. My mom works part-time on minimum wage, and my dad works as a handyman taking odd jobs but has been out of commission for months due to needed surgery on his hands. We pay all the household bills so they are able to handle their needs and 1 or 2 bills they have. But my concern is I don't see them ever achieving financial independence again, and I am trying to wrap my mind around how long we are going to be sharing space and eventually probably provide for them financially too (they have no wealth or retirement savings left). They're good tenants and help out a lot around the house but they come with challenges you can expect of cohabitation (privacy, overstepping, using too much space, etc). None of my siblings have enough room for them except my 2 brothers. 1 wouldn't due to the size of his family, and 1 would due to him being an empty nester-but he lives on the other side of the country and my mom won't move away from her 13 grandchildren. I don't know why I'm posting this other than to get tips and advice for how to create a future plan that doesn't involve so much sacrifice on my family's part (I wish that didn't sound so selfish, but it's not just me who's affected by this-it's my husband and daughter too)... Some context, my dad was never a good provider growing up, he was flaky with jobs, and we were evicted a lot and had to move around a lot (4 elementary schools, 3 middle schools). My mom always gave 110% of anything she had for her kids and sacrificed/turned down a lot of opportunities to be there for her family or follow her husband on his next endeavor. Anything we do for my mom has to inherently include my dad. My mom is a joy to live with and be around, my dad can be very challenging to live with, which is why none of us stayed living at home after the age of 19, and none of us have ever relied on either of them financially after that.
Part of me knows it's their fault they're in this situation (both of them, him for not securing their future, and her for constantly choosing to submit and follow him); and the other part of me feels an obligation and duty to say so what? And take care of them forever... I could come up with so many excuses for their situation, products of poverty (both) and immigration to U.S. at 17 (mom) made it hard for them to get ahead, and culture made them neglect their health until it was too late. But all I'm left with is it's not fair. It's not fair that my siblings (oldest is 10 years older then me) have all gotten more time to make their own lives and still have it. It's not fair that my parents have not only not given us a headstart in life where we wouldn't be reliant on debt and painstaking grit to get ahead, but now they've become a burden at a very young age. It's not fair that my husband has had to give up a lot of his space in his own home to make room for their stuff. It's not fair, but... I know in my heart it's the right thing to do and I have to fight against these feelings... I just know that I also need to start planning for the future where they inevitably depend on me more, not less...
Has anyone else experienced this at a young age or maybe even younger? Thanks for any non-judgmental tips or advice for me to make my peace with this new reality.
Dad, at age 59, is completely capable of making decisions about his life and he should still be working FT and taking care of himself. Mom can also work and the two incomes should provide plenty for them to live on. I am sitting here shaking my head b/c I KNOW quite a few people who have PLANNED to simply move in with relatives when they get tired of working.
Your dad's inability to hold down a job is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It's also setting a really unhealthy example to your daughter of co-dependency and that is not good.
I'd help my folks find low income housing, I'd help them MOVE, I wouldn't cut them out of my life, but I'd sure as heck make sure they weren't leaning on ME for support.
Doesn't sound like you're happy and OK with the dynamic you find yourself in.
Time for a brutal talk with them. Don't make them feel 'kicked out' but rather 'independently re-assigned'.
Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Make sure they know that if they mess up again (change jobs, whatever) the option to come back to your place is off the table.
- your marriage and immediate family are top priority.
- you are not responsible for your parents' happiness.
- your parents being broke is the retirement they planned for, so let them have it.
- your father is not going to suddenly become a better version of himself.
- the definition of "enabling" is: doing things for someone that they are perfectly. capable of doing for themselves. Everyone has been enabling your dad. Stop.
- if you are the only solution then your parents/siblings won't seek any other solutions.
- your very wonderful husband agreed to let them move in because he had no real idea what he has agreed to in the long-term.
Right now it seems easy-ish and mutually beneficial. That may not last long once their health and cognition start to decline. Seniors have been known to ask the same question continuously no matter how many times you give the answer. They eventually lose control of their filters and bladders. They forget things like pots on the gas burner and how to get home from the grocery store. They give out their ssn to scammers who call or email them. They watch tv at the highest volume because hearing aids are not covered by insurance and cost $3K. They forget that you have a life, a husband and a child that need your attention -- or their dementia causes them to not care. All of this may happen or only some of it may happen. Your parents are only in their early 60's -- you could conceivably be caring for them for decades.
In my own "old world" Italian-American family I have 2 Aunts that helped my mom raise me (an only child). We all lived together for 20 years. They never got married nor had kids so I am it. They are now 99.5 and 102.5 years old. Fifteen years ago when they started needing more and more help, I, as their DPoA, was thinking that transitioning them into AL near me would be a good idea but my many other cousins were appalled and panicked at this idea. They were angry. I live 1800 miles away in another state, had a husband, 3 kids, worked full-time in my family business and had my own aging mom to keep tabs on. I was honest with my cousins that there was no way I could give them my own hands-on caregiving so what did they have in mind? My cousins then stepped in to help and are still helping them stay in their home. This is what I mean about you being the only solution: if you tell your parents and siblings that you are happy to help up until XX date, then after that you help your parents find Section 8 housing and get assistance from other programs then do not back down. Don't wait for your parents to comply. Fill out the forms for them and pack their bags for them if that's what it takes (this is the only type of enabling that is valid). If your siblings cause an uproar then invite them to be the solution. I guarantee your parents won't like it but they won't be the ones drained physically, emotionally and financially in the end. You AND your family will be. Does your husband have parents here? What's the plan for them?
Please go the Care Topics page on this website and read some of the posts under Burnout. You are being politely warned by responders that you are headed off a cliff. Many of them have been there, done that. You are not going to be an exception. Please heed their warnings born from actual experience.
(1) Do your folks qualify for low-income housing?
(2) Can you provide them with a move-out date while you help them find a place they can afford?
(3) Would you consider remodeling your existing home to add an in-law suite?
(4) Could you help them purchase a mobile home and place it on your property?
(5) Can you afford a new home purchase with separate living quarters (or a duplex)
(6) Since your siblings cannot accommodate the folks, would they be willing to help finance a place for your parents?
Do your homework to get an understanding of the government and community resources that may be available to help your parents – both now and in the future. I suspect you’re going to have to do the legwork to find options for low-income housing, food, medical care, and assistance with utilities. In North Carolina, they can apply for Medicaid at age 65: https://www.benefits.gov/benefit/1390#:~:text=Be%2065%20years%20of%20age%20or%20older. And they’ll qualify for full Social Security benefits at age 67.
You and your husband are loving and generous people. Plan for the future so that your parents do not become a financial burden.
I'm with AlvaDeer in that I wouldn't ever take in elders to live with my husband and I. I would definitely help them get housed elsewhere and not abandon them, but I would not sacrifice my life for theirs, especially not at 59 and 60 years old when they could be alive for another 40 YEARS. Their care & management will only worsen with time, it will certainly not 'improve', nor will your duties as their caregiver, trust me on that.
NOW is the time to create a plan to get them out of your home and into their own place with autonomy and a life of their own. I think every elder deserves that, as every young person deserves a life of their own. You're already resentful of the situation and that will only get worse with time, which will translate over to your husband and child. I grew up with a grandmother living in my home and a very resentful mother who did NOT want her there, so my childhood was ruined in the process of them fighting all day. The best thing my mother could have done would've been to get grandma OUT of our house and into a place of her own, subsidized by the government or into managed care of some kind, paid for by Medicaid. That's what happened eventually, but a day late and a dollar short, to say the least.
It's okay to think about your immediate family FIRST, that's how things should be in life. That's not to say you should abandon your parents, but it's not to say you 'owe' them room and board in your home for life either. Strike a balance here, is my point. Find them housing elsewhere and visit them on a regular basis, offering your love & emotional support on a regular basis.
Best of luck.
So there is that. I always knew my limitations. That is one of them.
I was a nurse. I loved the job and it paid very well and I had 3 shifts per week. I loved my patients. I also knew I was completely incapable of 24/7 care even for the most saintly and independent person in the world.
I think basically what I am saying is that my vote goes to your siblings. I would wish them the best in making their decisions and get one with making my own for my own life.
You believe you are doing the right thing. Do understand, however, that when you make decisions that impact your own immediate family, that is very unfair to THEM.
Ultimately, as to fairness, it is a not a part of life, and it never was. Ask the Ukrainians today fleeing for their lives.
There are many people who are aging in our own and in any other country without children to put themselves on as a burden. They are cared for and access care as any other couple or individual without children. And given your parents DO have a child who wishes to help, you could help them access that care, were you to wish to do so.
I am 80. I have saved for my care. I have made it clear that my children are not to sacrifice their lives, which now, in their 50s and 60s is some of the best quality time they have in their lives, when they are retiring, free to travel and enjoy themselves. They understand this and we have discussed it thoughout our lives.
Only we can make decisions for our own lives. I wish you the very best in making your own decisions for your own life; it's the only life you will have, so it's important you have autonomy in making decisions for it.
Do they have medical insurance/Medicaid?
Will they be eligible for SS and Medicare?
You need to make sure that they are taking advantage of every single social service program avaliable to them.
Mom's application for Medicaid has been pending for a while. Waiting for a response.
I try to get them in touch with the resources they need but my dad drags his feet a lot and wants to be in control of the situation and I don't like arguing with him.
But you're right, I need to step up my game in finding every resource available to them. Right now I'm giving what I can which is my house, I can't at this time afford to house them outside of my own house.